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How depressing!!! Is this what life has become???

SplendagrrlSSplendagrrl Posts: 107
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:53 AM in Chronic Pain
Feeling miserable today, feel like omg another daybto figure out what to do!! Part of me feels like I should plan and do something, and the other part of me is too depressed! I know I should be happy with what God has given me and find enjoyment in the little things but it is not easy.

Feeling pathetic! What has my life become but someone who only talks about her pain. I mean no one wants to hear it I know it but it's like you can't help it because it is your life everyday. Try to tell myself to shut up my husband and family does not want to talk about this everyday! Maybe I will try to get through the weekend without talking about it.

I feel like a loser. My day relives around searching for doctors, making appointments, reading articles on all my symptoms, and reading these boards about pain, surgery and depressing things. Every time my husband asks what I am reading it is the same thing! Medical articles or medical boards!!

Is this what the rest of my life will be like or will I come out of this misery, accept it and start having fun with life again? I also have surgery in my future and one part of me wants to hurry up and get it over with so I can move on, but the other part just wants to forget it so I don't have to be bed ridden on top of it all for a month or whatever.

I used to love to do Scrapbooking and crafts but nothing interests me anymore! I have no desire to do anything, except see my grand baby. :) I feel like if I would just try to do something it would help but I can't even take that step. I only do what's necessary like cooking dinner, laundry, grocery shopping etc...Then go to bed and wake up just to figure it out all over again. Ugggggghhhhhh

Oh well anyway guess I just had to write this down, maybe I will do something today.

Does anyone else go through this, I am guessing probably so. Some days I just feel miserable and like a total loser!!!!!!
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13

Comments

  • just reading your post .i can see my self in there ! talking about pain all the time etc..its so soul destroying ..but if you are in pain ALL THE TIME you would talk about it ..just as you would if you were very happy you would be smiling and laughing a lot .back pain is hell and unfortunately once you have it you are unlikely to get rid of it .i have a very good family doctor and he tells it how it is ..and when i asked him whats my prognosis he said very poor .you are no different to a cancer patient .you feel the same pain and are on just as many drugs as some of my cancer patients and you are unlikely to get better .back pain although not normally terminal just feel like it !.he was not making fun of any one what he was saying was just because i have back pain its just a serious as any other serious disease.and so bloody painful .i feel like i have been robbed of my life because for the last 5 years and 10 before 0pr that{but not to the same extent} all i have known is pain and sleep deprivation and missing out on nice things the only time i go out is to the chemist to collect my pain killers or to the doctors or hospital .i could not go out for a meal as i could not sit down long enough and even if i could i would feel so out of place now as i have no nice clothing and i have lost my self confidence to the extent that if i leave my home i feel a panic attack coming on .back pain ..dont you just love it !
    tony
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • I fully understand where you are at. I too have grandchildren and boy are they a life saver in more ways then one.

    Does your grandchild live close by? I was asking as I "use" my grandkids to get my but moving when I am down. I take them some where and do something with them, which always lifts my spirits :)

    I also know that feeling of wanting to want to want to do something but can't want lol ;)

    FORCE yourself to do something you know you can do and that you use to enjoy. I am amazed every time I make myself do something how much I enjoy it.
    Unfortunately I have to force myself almost every day as of the pain, BUT I never regret forcing myself and the out come is always good.
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
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  • i think many of us can echo what you are saying splendagrrl! the problem is we don't just have 'neck/back' pain, but pain that radiates to other portions of our bodies as well. which i think compounds things.

    i can relate to the research and the message boards. my hubby summed it up well though - "you need the support of those sites. it helps you understand, and on the boards, you are able to talk (type) with people who fully get it." truer words couldn't have been spoken. now the key is balance.

    i went through (and sometimes it sneaks back in) phases where i lost interest in things that interest me in the hobby department. i find that when that starts, i push me back into them, and then i am happy again. i just finished a 50,000+ #11 seed bead project for my great nephew. he is in the usmc, and i made this for him to display on his desk, or hang on a wall.

    https://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy118/aviatrix36440/my bead projects/beadedusmcwilly.jpg

    instead of looking to finish a craft project in one sitting, a day or a week, i just do what i can and let it go from there. some days i only did one or two rows, other days lots of rows! this keeps the project fun. plus if i know i am making something for someone, it kind of gives it more interest and priority to me - meaning.

    outdoor activities. i don't fit a lot of my clothes anymore, so when i go shopping i actually "shop online" first. this way i know exactly what i want, so i can go into the store, get what i want and get out. i still get to shop, but don't spend too much time walking/standing around and making the outing pure hell. just a bit of planning and you can do *some* things with minimal pain. i have found small things can make for a big and happy day - and yes, like most on here, i do wake at times not wanting to go anywhere, or even change out of my comfy sleep clothes! *hugz* we understand!! :)

    brenda
    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • If your finding yourself not wanting to do anything you need to see a doctor. First you should check with your family physician and have some blood work done to see if anything is out of line. For instance you could have some low vitamin levels or a thyroid issue. You also need to discuss with them the pain control. Having your pain under control is essential. You might also check in with some counseling.

    As far as activities you need to find something you can do for exercise even if it is just swimming. Find a group class and make a friend. If it is the right class for you, it will be others not able to get around well. Make a friend and work on the buddy system. But, having something other than day to day living is so important. But spend sometime looking around at what you could do, in place of all the time looking at medical information.

    I read a little bit of medical things, but not to much. I trust and have full faith in my doctors that they are doing all the can for me. So I leave the medical up to the experts. But I do control the things I can control, like working everyday on healthy eating, being sure I have accurate information on myself when I see my doctors. There are only two places I bring up my medical, which is here and at the doctors. So when I am with others my ears can be open to hear other things, and not just me or my pain. I do do a lot of living vicariously through others. Accepting I can't do somethings, but I enjoy seeing my friends and family do those things. It took a lot to become a spectator but it does still give me pleasure. But you need to find something you enjoy, and that gets you excited and gets you going in the day. Sometimes a little counseling will help with those rough patches and get you over the hump or explore all your alternatives. You might also look for a chronic pain support group at your local hospital to get involved in. I think it is key you have face to face contact with others and not just the internet.
  • Amen to that post tamtam!!

    I agree with MsHD too, in that if things get difficult we need to FORCE ourselves to do things. I always feel like I'm not going to be able, happy, energized, interested, etc.., in doing things because of my pain, yet every single time that I do (force myself) I am always glad that I did.

    It's like starting a new job or anything new that might cause stress or anxiety-it's always hard getting started and yes I might hurt more later, but I would rather live with pain than exist with it.
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  • I have to say... sometimes you just need to LISTEN to how you sound... and get past it. You're right, even our loved ones, or maybe especially our loved ones don't want to hear it one more time. Talking about it does nothing... it surely doesn't make me feel better... reading about it, well there are times when I need to take a day or month away from all this garbage. Reading about it... for what? I know what it feels like, I don't need to read about what someone else thinks it feels like, thinks it should feel like or anything else.

    As mentioned above, if it's so bad you're just not moving at all, maybe you need to talk to a doc about it. But sometimes you just need to get over yourself and get out there....

    Getting back to the part about talking about it over and over and over... I find that all that does it make me hyper sensitive... talking about it makes me think about it, thinking about it makes it hurt, it hurting makes me think about it more and then nothing helps. Get up, get out, and, get over it. That's what I tell myself every day... sometimes I have to listen to myself, mainly when I'm saying... oh shut UP to myself!

    I'm not trying to sound harsh, nor do I want to be mean, but knowing what all is going on at my house right now...if I even start to think about what's going on with me, it'd paralize my ability to do anything else.

    Good luck, I hope you find something that can give you the incentive to get moving, even if it just means from the chair to the table, or the couch to the porch or to the "stoop" if you're from my old hometown ;)

  • My grandson is not too far away, but far enough where I cannot just jump in the car everyday to go see him. It's about a 2 hour drive. I went to visit him yesterday and spent the whole day with him. I know I have to pay for it later, like last night could barely move or walk when I got home but it was worth it. He is definitely my happiness!!!! :) He is definitely what keeps me going! I still can do most things as long as I take my pain pills, but more strenuous things I will pay big time later but it is usually worth it. Like everyone else I have my good days and bad days.
  • Great job on your craft project, it looks great! Thanks for the shopping tip. I do most of my shopping online just for the reason is it is so painful to shop in the store. I have had to just walk out many times because I was in so much pain. That is a good idea if you do have to go to the store to look at things online first. Sometimes I go with a list but only get half way done before I just have to say forget it and leave.
  • I did actually rejoin the gym. I thought well I am in pain anyway I might as well work out so I could at least feel better mentally. So I forced myself to work out 3 or 4 days a week. I even had to pay my daughter to help out with the house work so I could exercise, because on those days would come home completely exhausted and in pain and would have to lay down the rest of the day. Mentally it made me feel better but physically it was killing me. I did it for about two months then about two weeks ago just gave up. Maybe I will go back I don't know.

    I do something every week usually on the weekends but the hard part is the everyday going through the motions. I can get out and do what ever I want as long as I keep the pain pills down every 4 hours, but anything too strenuous I pay for it later. It just gets depressing.

    As for seeing someone I don't know seems like a waste of time to me. I know what's wrong with me and why I feel this way. I also know what makes me feel better and I do not think it would help. I just need to find a way to mentally adjust and come out of this fog I seem to be in.

    I do have fun when I do things but just getting myself to feel like it to begin with is the hard part.
  • I know but that's the hard part sometimes is forcing yourself to do things. Maybe mentally you know you will pay for it later, or I am just at the point where I am at now it is just making me very unhappy. I know I just need to get past it and start living again. I like your statement of doing things and living with the pain instead of just existing, makes a lot of sense. :)
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