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I honestly think I am starting to go mad - when I was 23 I fell down a flight of stairs and causes a LOT of damage to my spine from my neck to my hips. Its left me semi paralazed and unable to walk on my own - the fall set off a genetic condition I didnt know I had which is causing further deteriation of my spine and I have oestoarthritis, chronic pain, fybromylgia and a whole host of other problems. I will eventually need a total spinal fusion - they want to put a metal rod from my neck to my hips, and believe me when I say that I have explored EVERY other possible surgery and I have had experts from the UK, EU and America all look at me - my back is a mess. They dont know how I can still even take a couple of steps on crutches but while I can, they dont want to put me through the op as it wont help the pain, just make it worse - every disc in my spine has collasped and all my vetebrea are out of line and thats just the start of the damage.
Anyway, im 26 now and my chronic pain levels are to the point I am off my tree on morphine drugs 24/7 to keep the pain to a level of 6/7, I get 2 hours sleep a day if I am lucky and I take in total, 42 tablets a day to manage everything that is going on. I have been through several pain management programmes all over the country - each one has taught me more about dealing with the pain etc but I find myself having episodes more and more in the last two months. None of my meds have changed. the only way I can describe them is outbursts of hysterical crying and screaming (to the point the neighbours get worried) I feel so angry and I have this rage building up in me, I feel like I want to pull the skin off my body and pull my hair out....and then it stops, I calm down, and wonder what the hell just happened!! I have spoken to councilers and phyciatrists etc who deal with chronic pain and coping and ive spoken to general ones - but im worried, if I tell them about whats happening, they are going to put me in a white jacket and lock me up, say im not coping with it and give me more pills to take or label me again.
the only major thing that is different or changing in my life at the moment is that we are waiting for a date to move into a disabled access bungalow as I can no longer get around my house, I live in the sitting room, moving will mean I will be able to get around the bungalow in my wheelchair and have more freedom - but im happy about that so I dont understand what is happening to me - has anyone else had any 'episodes' like this?