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Episodes of madness

beccygbbeccyg Posts: 2
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:53 AM in Depression and Coping
I honestly think I am starting to go mad - when I was 23 I fell down a flight of stairs and causes a LOT of damage to my spine from my neck to my hips. Its left me semi paralazed and unable to walk on my own - the fall set off a genetic condition I didnt know I had which is causing further deteriation of my spine and I have oestoarthritis, chronic pain, fybromylgia and a whole host of other problems. I will eventually need a total spinal fusion - they want to put a metal rod from my neck to my hips, and believe me when I say that I have explored EVERY other possible surgery and I have had experts from the UK, EU and America all look at me - my back is a mess. They dont know how I can still even take a couple of steps on crutches but while I can, they dont want to put me through the op as it wont help the pain, just make it worse - every disc in my spine has collasped and all my vetebrea are out of line and thats just the start of the damage.
Anyway, im 26 now and my chronic pain levels are to the point I am off my tree on morphine drugs 24/7 to keep the pain to a level of 6/7, I get 2 hours sleep a day if I am lucky and I take in total, 42 tablets a day to manage everything that is going on. I have been through several pain management programmes all over the country - each one has taught me more about dealing with the pain etc but I find myself having episodes more and more in the last two months. None of my meds have changed. the only way I can describe them is outbursts of hysterical crying and screaming (to the point the neighbours get worried) I feel so angry and I have this rage building up in me, I feel like I want to pull the skin off my body and pull my hair out....and then it stops, I calm down, and wonder what the hell just happened!! I have spoken to councilers and phyciatrists etc who deal with chronic pain and coping and ive spoken to general ones - but im worried, if I tell them about whats happening, they are going to put me in a white jacket and lock me up, say im not coping with it and give me more pills to take or label me again.
the only major thing that is different or changing in my life at the moment is that we are waiting for a date to move into a disabled access bungalow as I can no longer get around my house, I live in the sitting room, moving will mean I will be able to get around the bungalow in my wheelchair and have more freedom - but im happy about that so I dont understand what is happening to me - has anyone else had any 'episodes' like this?
Beccy xxxx


  • I of course can't say deffinitively in your case but I finally realized why I was doing the same thing; It's like my mind is still young but my body is that of an old man. I get so frustrated, 'why? I worked hard all my life, I'm too young to be screwed up like this' and I break down & bawl like a child. Then I'm fine. It's like once I get the emotional bit out of my system, I can get back to the 'norm', whatever that is.. lol.

    I don't know if this helps you. It's nice knowing what the cause is but that doesn't help much in avoiding it. We as humans 'do things' that we don't always understand. If the mind & body decide that it's time for an emotional dump, believe me, it's better to do that then to ball it all up inside. If the latter is the case, it's not pretty when we 'pop'.

    It is my most sincere desire that you find some sort of peace. Some sort of Zen place that your mind & body can be in, either real or imaginary.. they both work.

  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    It is maddening with chronic pain and the accompaning issues.
    To me it's confusing and frustration. First..I am to try to have a positive attitude. When I try... I only
    then I tend to isolate during most painful periods as near impossible to look positive.

    Then it's suggested to me to share with loved ones about what I'm going through..like that "Letter to Normals" I think it's called.No response from that at all..then I'm told not to complain..people don't want to hear it and they don't understand.

    Even my docs are a little like that. I give them follow up re' meds or whatever and they say I am trying to have too much control over my situation if I have a question or don't understand what he's talking about. I don't even know what that means. Now I try to bring a friend along to help me listen to doc.Also, doc said I cry too easily. But I think I am only letting them know how I'm doing..as they asked.

    If I don't say anything, they think I'm actively depressed and minimizing.

    Seriously maddening and often times feel I have no where to go. Here of course and I'm grateful for the site. But we're in quite an unique situation.

    For me it's difficult to find consistent balance.
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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  • Never seen that way of spelling Becky before..neat! Sorry I missed your post. Based on what you're stating, is "scoliosis" the hereditary issue you inherited by chance? I ask that because of the rods from neck to hips - that's what comes to mind. I had scoliosis (double) due to crashing a helicopter at 21 years old, but my Neurologist (also trained in Chiropractor) was able to straighten me out.

    He told me I messed myself up (crashing) from my neck to my tail bone, but the specific levels he listed in his report were as I have in my signature (plus T8 - which is fine to this day). I so hope you are looking for other specialists in the spine, and too surgeons, and NOT giving up. 23 is a weeeee too young to give up. I have pain throughout my spine, so I have a taste of what you've described, not not the level you described. I would keep after doctors to find out what they can do. Please don't give up looking, okay? Please let us know how it goes. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • i understand the madness.
  • I also understand the madness. Be sure the brilliant 'doctors' do not, you are correct in just more pills, labels or a jacket.

    They are incompetent charlatans, I'd suggest giving each one a few weeks spell with a broken spine in an effort to generate some compassion and humanity and sense of fragility and shared vulnerability, but the memory of the pain and exposure would quickly fade for most.

    Btw it is called grief and it is normal... intense grief and rage, like few will understand.
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