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My Depression is crushing me !!!

asignor908aasignor908 Posts: 339
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:54 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Hi all

I also wanted to bring up my continued battle with very severe depression. I feel horrible mentally so much I don't live I exsist. I have searched for answers and tried remedies with my doctor. As some of you know I am a disabled vet with long running PTSD, anxiety, and majoe depressive disorder.

I suspect my pain pills are the culpret, but I haven't had the guts or the strength to quit them due to pain and I feel worse very rapidly. I just don't know what to do as I am not living anymore, I am exsisting. I isolate from loved ones and don't want to do anything at all or maybe I should say I can't do anything.

Lately I truly feel like giving up as I see know point as to having a life that revolves around pills and dwelling on past memories, some good and some not. I have been treated for so long I just feel there's nothing left to try or do and I think my wife would be better off. I do want to take myself out due to religous and family considerations and I just really hate myself and what I have become.

I'm not sure why I am posting this as while I am writing it it sounds pathetic. Many of you have been such great friends and so unselfish and I thank you. I know no one has a magic answer for this, I guess I'm just saying what I feel. The docs don't like to switch my anti depressants because I can be mentally sensitive to meds so the are hesitant due to past failures.

I don't blame God or anyone except myself for the way things have turned out, I could have done better somehow. Hope things get better for all you guys. thanks for listening,



  • Why do you blame yourself? There are so many factors that go into each decision and each action, that no one person or thing is the sole source of blame.

    I totally understand the pit of despair, but there's gotta be a rope or ladder somewhere that someone can toss down to you.

    Do your docs know how bad this all is effecting you?

    You're right, there is no magic answer, but there is an answer somewhere, you just have to keep searching until you find it.

    Wishing you well.

  • Thanks for responding. Yes they know I feel bad, but I do know want to go to the VA psych ward of all places. I am wondering if anyone has had definate, severe depression related to pain meds? I read some articles that say it gives you a mental boost, but many thing have gotten worse since I have taken pain meds steadily since 2007.

    I just don't know how to recapture my life any more and I don't have the will to try most of the time. I have been searching for a rope, a vine or anything to try to get out of this. It seems very hopeless and really useless. I consider trying to ditch the pain meds, but not sure if I can or should. What a mess...
    AL S
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  • So sorry you are feeling so bad. I became only moderately depressed last summer as I was dealing with continued pain following my fusion and the death of my mom (only 55, breast cancer). So I know how out of control of it all you can feel and I was only a bit depressed.

    I did a lot of reading at the time trying to work out if the continued pain was caused by my state of mind or vice versa. It seems that the two feed each other - pain causes depression and depression makes pain worse. I am afraid that my depression only lifted once I found out that my back pain was actually caused by an infection and so I wasn't doing it to my self.

    I also don't know if the pain meds make it worse. I was never given anything stronger than tramadol.

    Are your painkillers actually working? In as much as are they killing the pain?

    I agree with haglandc. I know it is hard but speak to your doc. There are some anti depressants that help with chronic pain. Also, maybe talking about it will help?

    I hope that you get some relief soon. Take care. x
  • I know the pain meds help with the pain, but there are of course side affects like being tired and so forth. Maybe the pain and frustration are causing the depression to worsen, I just don't know any more. My view on everything is worse and negative for the most part. I have tried some med changes and augments which just served to frustrate me more and make me feel physically ill.
    AL S
  • Al,

    Greetings my friend! *HUG* Still here for you darlin! Question? Does your wife know your feelings (as you posted on here?) I know we tend to try and hide or protect our loved ones, but things like you describe - she needs to know about, as does your doctor, but you stated your doctor is aware.

    If your doctor is aware, why aren't they being more pro-active with you? That is worrisome to me. Thinking of you darlin.

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
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  • Is good to hear from you as always. I am feeling a little better right now. I have an up day or two and back down. I haven't told my doctor that I am in desperation oe she would want me to check in to the VA psych ward which I'm not up for and there are numerous reasons for that.

    I did tell my wife and she can see it anyway, I feel sorry for her having a mate who is like this. I don't understand why I have to be like this and on some levels as I mentioned I am sure some of my meds have something to do with it. The pain meds are most suspect I suppose since things seem to have gotten worse since I have been on them over time and I don't seem to have a drive for anything.

    I do get a VA pension and pay the bills so I am worth while that way, but I don't see my value in many other areas. I know how that sounds, but just putting it on the line.

    Hearing from you perked me up some, so thanks *HUG*.

    I just don't know what to think and I'm still looking for the right move. Thanks for thinking of me.

    AL S
  • I can understand where you are coming from, as I have battled pain for a long time and continue to do so. My son is what continues to drive me, he is everything! I have been separated for over 18 months, so I enjoy my son--thankfully his mom and I are friends though. I would never consider harming myself, and I hope you won't either. I know people have done so because of pain, but don't give up.........*BRO HUG*

  • I read pretty much all your posts. Some threads I don't post in mainly because you are getting great advice and support, and I can't really add more than what other members are/had told you.

    I know for me when I take narcotics, I get sleepy, moody sometimes, draggy etc. If you are already 'down', I would guess they could add to it. You might want to see about addressing the generalized depression though, even if with a private (civilian) psychiatrist. Avoiding the problem (the VA psych ward) is a disservice to yourself, your wife, family and friends.

    I will continue keeping you in my thoughts and sending positive thoughts and energy your way. I'm also going to wish for you to have more "up" days than "down" days. *HUGZ*

    PCTF C4 - T2, Laminectomies C5, C6 & C7. Severe Palsy left arm/hand.
  • Thanks for your thoughts, I may seek out civilian help as far as something more directed to this situation. A group or something of people dealing with this type of issue. The facet injections seem to be helping today but still too soon for me to say it worked with confidence and of course for how long.

    I also agree and know that the pain meds are affecting my moods as well as the pain. That's my big dilema the pain or the meds. I know it doesn't have to be an all or nothing, but I just feel so emotionally dead right now with no real desires, no excitement etc., I just have to find a balance that will work.

    Thanks for being there,
    your friend,
    AL S
  • I didn't mean to sound so bad, it just hurts so bad at times, mentally. I would never want to hurt my family like that and hopefully will never get that desperate. The hole seems dark at times but I cling to my faith and I am looking for solutions.

    Thanks man,

    AL S
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