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Now How Do I Handle Being A Mommy?!?

WandtmacWWandtmac Posts: 122
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:56 AM in Chronic Pain
Being a new mommy at 40 was a challenge to begin with...People questioning why now? Was the 2ND most asked question. The 1st most asked...Why in your condition did you do it at 40?

Anyone knowing the briefest details of our lives know we wanted kids from the beginning of our marriage in 1992. Due to having Ovarian Cancer in 1996 the chances became very slim. I opted just to have the one ovary removed knowing quarterly exams/blood work would be required. Several unsuccessful pregnancies later and over $50k in procedures my OBGYN suggested I stop. Along with Cancer 2 spinal surgeries and 10 other surgeries had strained my body to the point of Chronic Fatigue & Chronic Pain.

Something always told me I'd be a mother at 40. Well, I wasn't wrong. Miss Mia was born to a family member that didn't want the "trouble or hassle" of raising a baby. Five days after her birth...10 days after my cervical fusion Miss Mia was in my home and neither "parent" came back for her.

Mia will be 2 yrs old next month and I admit this would've been so much easier 20 yrs ago but I would never ever regret her being here.

Here's the two major problems that have arose:

1- Constantly being criticized for taking on such a "hardship" (NOT MY WORDS) knowing my health is in such a terrible state.
2- How on Earth do you make a 2 yr old understand that her curling up beside me or on top of me hurts momma? She loves me greatly and wants my head leaned against hers so she can comb her fingers through my hair or my head laying on her chest so she can caress my face (I've got to hold my head up some not to put too much weight on her).
I do believe she knows something is wrong w/momma because she doesn't love on anyone the same as I.

I know this email is long & I'm sorry but some details were needed & I wanted to make sure I had all points covered.


Thank You...

Traci McEachern


  • I am in the same boat with my own daughter and we have our second and last on the way next Friday. My back totally crapped out on me three and a half years ago and my daughter is 4, so it was after the fact with our first.

    My daughter has given me great pleasure having her around and has been a blessing in spite of my chronic pain. I have lower back and leg issues and I am very limited in what I am able to do and spend a good part of every day in bed due to pain. My daughter has had to learn of my limitations and knows she has to be careful with me, on the very rare occasions I pick her up or get on the floor to play with her, she gets very excited and talks about me doing something out of the norm. Even with all of this, I wouldnt change anything for the world, she has been such a great joy and distraction during the time of pain and and sadness of my condition.

    Now we have our second and last daughter coming next week and it was a choice my wife and I made and decided that my chronic pain wasnt going to take everything from us and that we didnt want it to stop us having a family we had wanted. I am nervous about how much extra work this will put on my wife, but she has signed up for it and we are going to have extra family support to help out.

    Obviously this is something close to my heart right now and have been putting a lot of thought into it. As far as the child goes, love and their basic needs is all they need. My 4 year old's favorite spot is snuggling with me in bed and we watch cartoon and play constantly. My wife fills the role of physically playing with her and I am the comforter and because I'm around a lot I end up spending a lot of low key time with her.

    You just have to do what you can and try to emotionally be as connected as possible, but they will be fine with your physical condition.

  • With roles reversed!

    I was so mad at the world, family, friends & God 2 yrs ago when I lost all function of my left arm. I was throwing things, scream & hit a level of hate for the world I'd never felt before. I didn't know WHY ME AGAIN!? I was looking at my 13th surgery & a great chance of never using my arm again.

    10 days later Mia was born. I was there helping with all the labor. Her mother didn't even feel the need to cuddle her when she was 1st born. The dr handed her to me...then I knew...THis precious little 5lb girl is why me!

    She's at that adorably cute but testing age. She knows momma is sick and she wants to cuddle me all the time!

    Mitch, I hope next Friday everything goes perfect & you'll have another little joy to help brighten your days. I know she has sure healed me more than I've helped her!

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  • Honestly, I am trying to figure this out myself. I am only 29 years old, but I have a lot of health problems ranging from multiple thoracic disc herniations to questionable ankylosing spondylitis to a cardiac condition to thyroid disorder etc. I have a 10-year old, a 3-year old, and an 18-month old.

    It's definitely not easy, but thankfully I have a lot of help. To tell you the truth, I'm very nervous about my oldest returning to school on Monday, because he's a major help to me many days.

    I am sorry I don't have much advice to give you. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. My little ones like to climb on me as well, but I try to encourage them to sit next to me rather than on me. Unfortunately I'm still nursing my 18-month old, so the climbing is inevitable.
  • I know there isn't a true answer to my question...my hubby helps as much as possible. He has a very physical job & when he's home he has no choice but to help. I hate that for him!

    I've got some sort of inflammatory disorder... what they've not figured out. Numerous drs & 2 university later and I'm 41 raising a toddler trying to hide this from her. I was hospitalized last Nov because I became so tired I didn't feel like eating. I was straving myself w/out knowing it. Honestly I would go to work during breaks would walk to relax & wouldn't eat. Come home clean climb into bed & not eat.

    I still don't eat right & I chase her all day. I had a choice between working or her. Really no choice. I'm a stay at home mom, always wanted to be, and still can't seem to find away to keep going. She's so precious & deserves so much more than I can give.

    Every Friday I spend the day laying around & rest. My hubby works 4 days a week so Friday is my day off. Mia loves rolling around & almost 2 she really helps me clean house. So adorable!

    Oh here's the kicker...her mother is pregant AGAIN!

    God help that baby!
  • Oh no! I totally get what you mean about the not eating. When it comes between eating and resting, I typically choose to rest. Also, half the time I just don't have an appetite because of the pain or the meds or the fatigue or a combination of factors.

    I'm glad you chose to stay home and take care of yourself. I just went back to work after being out for 9.5 months, however, I am now working a desk job as a telephone triage nurse, so the work is much lighter. I'll be working two 12-hour shifts on the weekends and one 8-hour shift during the week, so it's definitely manageable.

    It's great to hear your hubby is so helpful. Mine is the same way, but I can tell it's wearing on him. He doesn't deal with stress very well and loses his patience very quickly. I try to do little things around the house that I know won't aggravate my pain too much, but if he sees me doing any type of housework, he'll tell me to go sit down and that he'll do it. But then later on he'll complain how overwhelmed and frustrated he feels. So I kind of feel caught between a rock and a hard spot in that respect.

    Ugh, I can't believe the mother is pregnant again. Does she realize there's this great thing called birth control? Sorry, I don't mean to be so sarcastic, but it annoys me when someone has been pregnant before and couldn't take care of the baby, only to get pregnant again soon after. I have a friend that had an abortion because her boyfriend at the time talked her into it. Well, about a year and a half later she found out she is pregnant again, with the same guy who cheated on her and had a baby with someone else since the abortion. When I found out she was pregnant again, I was so annoyed because she's a smart woman and she can't say she doesn't know how babies are made. Alright, I won't go off on that tangent, since it's irrelevant to why we're here.

    Anyway, welcome to Spine Health! I've been coming here since May, and it's a great source of knowledge and support.

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  • My dear hubby has aged so much in the last 10 yrs. As I get worse & he has to do my part & his he has found out its hard to be me.

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