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chronic pain and relationships

ninjinninji Posts: 2
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:56 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am really struggling with chronic pain and the idea of a relationship, and am hoping maybe your experiences can help me out.
I feel like I can't start a relationship because it wouldn't be fair to the other person. If I found a person I truly loved then I wouldn't want to subject them to all the pain and misery.

I had surgery about 9 months ago and while I am healing up from that fairly well I am still in pain, and will probably be in some degree of pain for the rest of my life. Also my doctor says that in 10-20 years there is a strong possibility of problems developing above the fusion, or of having arthritis.
I don't feel like it is fair to put anyone else through that, or to stick them with the possibility of having to take care of me.

I would want to do things together like travel, explore, backpack, camp, ski... and so I would want to find someone who would love to do them with me. But if I can't do those thing because of the pain then I wouldn't want to keep them from doing what they love either.

I read in forums about how hard chronic pain is on relationships and marriages and I feel that any relationship I were to have would be doomed before it even started.

Some days it feels like the pain takes everything from me, and I don't see how anyone could love whatever is left behind.



  • and you can't put your life on hold for ever .if you find a decent person they will understand your situation ..some people are born carers and some just can't do with ill people ..my first wife ..as nice as she was /is she was unable to live with a sick person .but my second and last wife is a nurse and knew i was ill prior to us getting married ..i too though with all my problems i would never find someone but there is someone out there for everyone .if they don't stick around when the going get hard work ..well they aren't worth being with you in the first place
    1997 laminectomy
    2007 repeat laminectomy and discectomy L4/L5
    2011 ALIF {L4/L5/S1}
    2012 ? bowel problems .still under investigation
    2014 bladder operation may 19th 2014
  • Everyone has problems, some mental some physical and some that tie the two together. Part of having a relationship is about understanding and helping each other through life. No one is perfect.

    Maybe you will find another spiney? Or find someone else with some other sort of problem.

    Don't worry about what is going to happen 10-20 years down the road. I know it is hard. But tomorrow you could be killed in an accident, or find out you have a terminal illness. Not to be morbid, but we never know how or when we are going to become incapacitated or die.
    ACDF C4-5 June 23rd, 2011

    Another surgery in the near future. I am 26 years old.

    Current Meds- Norco 7.5/325, Cymbalta 60mg, Gabapentin, Adderall 20mg
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  • You need to live in the hear and now, not what might or not happen in 20 years from now. Relationships are a mutual agreement, and if they truly care about you they will accept you for whom you are, not who they want you to be. So you have to give life a chance and let it happen. Don't put blinders up so you don't see the sunrise and sunsets, it is to short to miss all of it's happenings.
  • Yes love has no boundry. This is as good as time as any to start a relationship. If a person is understanding they will undrstand your issues and yes they might have some issue that they need you to understand. There are many ways to enjoy each others company even if its not in ways that other people imagine life should be.

    Many people have brought this up here in spine health who are single and afraid to get in a relationship do to there spine issues.. I still think most should try to make connection even here in spine health only because having similar spine issues and being already aware of each others limitations.

    Kind of like match. Com but it will be matchmypain.com. Lol. Just think how romantic it can be going to er together and sharing pain medication while watching a movie.

    But seriously life is never perfect and there is no perfect time to start a relationship. Perfect time is when it comes along and you cant let it pass you by because you worry about the other person if its fear to them or not. It can even be healthy mentaly and posibly make it easier to deal with.

    Good luck. Hope this helps. Spine health needs to make a romance room next to the fun room for the singles.
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • Tony- Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I am glad you were able to find your someone

    Donnabe- I agree that everyone has their own issues or problems. But most issues that I see my peers dealing with seem to have various means of escape. I guess I just see pain as something that effects every aspect of my life and is something that I can not take a vacation from or put aside for a day or an hour.

    as for finding another spiney, I can barely handle being in pain and I don't think I could stand watching someone I love suffer the same way I do. But I also can see how amazing it would be to have someone understand what I am going through.

    tamtam- Thanks, I have been struggling about how to see past the pain, and until I figure out how I am trying to rely on my friends and what they see.

    Alex- I loved the part about watching a movie and sharing pain meds, and matchmypain.com, lol.
    I think I have always hoped that someday my back would be magically fixed and then I could start my life. But I know that will not happen. I think that you are right about how having a relationship with someone who truly understands could help me deal with life/pain and be mentally beneficial.

    Thanks for listening and responding. I was having a tough day and it truly meant/means a great deal to me
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  • Ya know even us spineys like to have romance . Gimpy sex can be fun so give it a try. Just means more breaks .imagine the circus balance acts you can do with a cane ? Anyone worth your heart in gold will be willing to play along so don't be afraid. Like the others said someone will love you for who you are as long as you also love them back. My husband and I got married after I got hurt and so have been playing this game our whole marriage but still have our good times . It does make dealing with the pain easier knowing you have someone who's got your back, whether lovers, friends , friends with benefits ..... ;) whatever. Go for it !!!! Alex , if we created a game show for the dating game I vote you to be the host and I'll be your stylist ready with butterfly collar suits in 70's colors. And I can be your gimpy Vanna white! Hee hee
  • Vanna White is wheel of fortune! If the dating game turns out where the 2 get married and it dont work out then it would become the Wheel of misfortune.

    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • Oops.... sorry bro. I knew that phrase that" everyone gets a turn" with Vanna came from somewhere. hee. hee. I just wanna wear the pretty dresses and heels ( yeah right) and be arm candy slinging lots of cold hard cash from all my game show fabulousness!!!!!
  • I vote you TWO in no matter the game! Go Michelle and Alex!

    Sweet Ninji, I can tell you are.

    Pain can last a lifetime........emotionally and physically.
    Happiness can last forever and a day.

    It is just important to live your life as it is given. I know, we all have trying times and such. That is why it is so important to have someone you love on your side.

    You have a knight in shining armor out there somewhere sweetie! He is looking for you.

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