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Moment of Truth

Moment of Truth
I am having a vent moment, so bear with me here for a minute.
My current situation is this: Have suffered with pain for several years now. I went back to work five years ago with a company I started at the bottom with. A year ago I made the sales team and work at my desk 99% of the time. It's great because it has kept me from taking so many chances to have my pain levels rise to a non-functional level. Until last Wednesday I woke up at 6am went to the gym and did an hour of cardio, went home got ready for work and felt some discomfort but that is normal for me. An hour into my day my pain level was rising with no end in sight. Long story short I ended up in the ER. Was lucky enough to get an MRI. Of course I was expecting to hear them say I needed to go see a surgeon. So here I am taking the rest of Wednesday of because my pain level was a solid 10. Thursday and Friday too. Saw a ortho doc early Friday and did not receive any good news. I have some real damage in my lower back but he said it was not operable. L4 disc herniated into the vertabrae under it and caused it to fracture. Along with two other discs above that were bulging bad, along with degeneration. None of which I wanted to hear because he said he could not fix it. I really feel the clock ticking the whole time because I am not working and scared for my future. So I rushed my films over to a neurosurgeon who is going to look them over tomorrow and let me know if he can help. So I really need to go into the office tomorrow and see if I can SIT in my office and do my job. Visit with my bosses and see if they will stand by me while I work on getting fixed. Crossing my fingers and praying to God. Because I do want to continue working and will need what ever time is needed to get my back situated to where I can function. Mainly for some very basic reasons. To stay productive earning a living. Be able to do the chores around my house. To be able to just take care of myself is what I am trying to say here. I am really worried about it all. Amazing how your life can change just like that.
1. When my boss does his T list on me will my list of assets outweigh my liabilities?
2. Can the doctors get me fixed up enough to function?
3. Will my 2nd opinion be better than the first?
What happens to me if the first two of my chief concerns don't go my way? I am only 36 and I cannot be taken out of the game! Keep me in the game God. I will not go back to being stuck in a house. I did that for two years from 2005 to 2007. I have never been to jail but feel as though I have a good idea what it is like to be there. Couldn't work, do chores, get out and exercise. And the list goes on. It was not living at all. I get sick just thinking about the what if's. I do know this, I will not go back to that way of existence ever.
So the pre game check list for tomorrow has already begun. Take just enough medicine in the morning to survive the pain but not to much to where I am not productive. Get the ice bags out and ready. Tube of icy hot and turn my frown upside down!
So I need good news from my employer and great news from my surgeon. So if you pray add me to yours tonight please.


  • edited 07/16/2012 - 6:53 PM
    Hey man, just read this post and your other one, howd the nuero app go?? I know what your going through, I used to live an incredibly active life working out, skateboarding, running, hiking, climbing everyday. I was severely injured and now I can only hike, nothing upper body related, and im only 22.. Its terrible but it doesnt mean its the end, I still have my one hobby and Ive been also studying alot to compensate for the lack of physical progress I can at least have mental progress, and theres always friends. I felt the same way as you when the reality of lifelong pain and disability was settling on my mind, I figured death would be better, Ive been there and it fucking sucks, I feel for ya. But thats the selfish option. Anyway you may still have hope to dodge a bullet but if not, Theres always alternatives, you just have to be creative and appreciate the little things and with time you learn to accept things and appreciate life again. Hope your stickin in there, let us know about your appointment
  • I'm not on here every day, so I got this a few days late. But, please know I have prayed for you and will continue to pray! Please keep us informed!

    God bless!
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  • Bigshawn1234567BBigshawn1234567 Posts: 45
    edited 07/18/2012 - 12:42 PM
    Neuro aid I was not a candidate for surgery. Which is fine if there is an alternative solution. I have been in PM for a couple of years now. I am on strong meds and have done the injections, core training, etc.. Last week something happened where I couldnt walk the pain was so bad. Venting to you guys has helped a lot. Am now thinking of a SCS. But I have been skimming over some other posts regarding this subject and I am not sure it's for me. Most (90%) of my pain is in my back and butt! I really need a few days of pain freedom to make some good decisions. The other day I was ready to make them do the surgery but heard from a few of you guys who advised against it. I barely made it through the work day and I am not functioning well. Thanks for the support. Really appreciate it..
  • Shawn,
    I have been having a similar pain episode over the last couple weeks where most of my pain is in the lower back, and buttocks with radiculopathy down each leg, sometimes at the same time! It became so awful I couldn't walk! I went to the ER where they gave me a shot of Decadron and some Dilaudid because I just couldn't stop crying. My lower spine area around S1-L5 and L5-L4 was swollen like edema; you could push in on it like bread dough and it would stay. Since then my pain management doc put me on a stronger muscle relaxant and doubled my pain meds to get through this "flare," as she called it. I've been icing and heating alternately and it IS getting to the point where I don't want to kill someone anymore... I'm not a surgical candidate either.

    Hang in there... Look for something positive to do for someone else each day and it will help you feel like you contributed to the world, even if that positive is to be online helping others so they don't feel so alone in their pain.

    God bless you! :)
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