I had a CT scan last week, and have an appointment on Monday to go over the results with my surgeon, who wouldn't give them out on the phone. I was in the area and stopped by my hospital medical records department to get a copy.
A part of me was like, "Wait! Don't! It's a beautiful Friday before a fun-filled weekend, don't spoil it with potentially crappy news -- and it can't be that crappy after all, I mostly feel ok, but wait till Monday!"
Of course I didn't.
My back has gotten so much worse in the 18 months sine my last MRI. I thought I was just dealing with DDD, stenosis, a pinched nerve and spondy at L5/S1 ("just" -- ha ha, like I'm just dealing with a hangnail or a cold), and instead, I have moderate to several stenosis at L4/L5 and L5/SI, moderate stenosis at L3/L4, and a bunch of other stuff that sounds terrible. Sorry for being so imprecise, but you get what I'm saying.
The thing that baffles me is that I'm not in any pain -- I get a little discomfort from my SI joint problems, but on a bad day, that's maybe a 2 or a 3.
My only symptoms are slight weakness and a minor loss of reflex in my foot/ankle area (which is devastating enough, because I love running).
I guess my freakout is premature; I am sure my doctor will offer me a perspective and solutions on Monday.
I'm trying to stay upbeat, and count my blessings -- and I have so many! But right now, I am caught in that self-pitying spiral: Why me, God? Haven't I had enough misery and pain in my lifetime? How can this happen to me after I've taken such good care of myself? What's going to happen to me?
I don't want to feel crappy. I am generally good about staying upbeat and on an even keel with stuff like meditation, mantras, doing a gratitude journal, and doing stuff that brings me pleasure. But these feelings are so big and so real, I feel like I would do myself a disservice if I just kept going on, like "LA LA LA LA LA."
So yeah, that's where I am right now. I wish I had waited till Monday.
Sorry for rambling.