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Acceptance - Refusing to Accept - Denial

dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 12,772
Each on of these mindsets play major roles in determining what road we will take in the future

This has to be most dangerous of all mindsets. The Spinal problem is with us, we may or may not have had surgery. But we have been told by our doctors what we should and should not do. There are clear actions that we should not do , if we ever have hopes in seeing better days. If we do not believe any of this, or we do not believe what they doctors have told us and we only believe we are ok , then we could be heading down a very dangerous path.

- Ignoring what the doctors told us
- Ignoring the limitations or restrictions
- Doing more than we should
- Forget about life styles when it comes to drink and food.
- Ignore everyone warnings or attempts to help
- "I am fine, there is nothing wrong with me"

I've seen this with so many different members walking different lifestyles. It may be someone who was an active sports person, was a dancer, was a fireman and much more. They were basically at the top of their game, feeling great and could do just about anything. Then for what ever reason, they developed a spinal situation that changes their immediate life style. This could require surgery or perhaps not, but there will be a new set of rules to live by. Changes are in order, adjustments must be made. Many feeling this way, can go over to the Denial side, but some stay stuck in this mode.
They refuse to accept their problems., they know they have them, they completely understand them, but they look in the mirror and say, this is real, there is nothing I can do.

Many of these folks go looking for that "Miracle cure" The one shot, one pill that will make them better. They might also go from doctor to doctor looking for one of them that will "Fix them", They come up with all sorts of various alignments (some real, some not so real) in attempts to justify or rationalize their condition.

One of the dangers in this mode, is that you may never move ahead, you may never get better and you may be
"Stuck" in this mode for a very long time if not longer.

We could a person of any background and activity. A Ice Hockey player, A avid skier, Skydiving, Horse Trainer, Computer Programmer, Nurse, Administrative Assistance, etc...
Just as with the two modes above, when the spinal problem hits it hits hard and we really have to look at everything.
Perhaps for a while we could be in the Denial, or Refusing to accept mode, but we quickly realize by doing that we are not helping ourselves and we in fact could be sentencing ourselves for something we would never want.

Ok, we have this spinal condition, minor, medium to very severe. Again, could be with or without any surgery.
But one common thing, is what our doctors have told us. Its the RR&L - Rules, Restrictions and Limitations.
We have a clear list of actions we should or should not be doing. So there is no guess work here. If we dont follow a path, then we will probably have a flare up. If we do follow a path, does that mean we will be painfree? No, we may never be painfrree.

But once we know what we have, we can start to learn the many ways in dealing and managing with it.
Each of us are individuals, so it would be impossible to list the different things we could do to accomplish that.
Use your imagination, think about what is so really important to you, think of a goal and then start putting a plan in place to reach that, climb over all the obstacles in getting there. But of course, while climbing, stay within the LL&R

Is this a guarantee to a better life? No, there are no guarantees in any of this. But by accepting our situations, we have put ourselves in a positive and can-do approach. With that as our weapons, there isnt much would should not be able to do.
Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 


  • Hey Ron,
    I love the use of red, and green very Holiday ish .
    Very well put. You should be a motivational speakers, really for people in general or with spine issues.

    Thanks was nice read
    oh And Happy Holidays to you and yours

    neck,bone spurs pain started 04, back issues and fusion l4,l5 06~hardware removed.
    good few yrs. 09 pain sharp, numbness feet,legs, diagnosed fibro, neurop. legs.lung issues.
    daily goal do good thing for someone.
  • ellencalieellencali Posts: 162
    edited 12/29/2012 - 5:11 PM
    You either take on the challenge of finding your diagnosis...and finding a diagnosis that is satisfactory to you or you accept your life where it is, what it is and how it is. For some of us that doesnt mean we lay down and die...it just mean we accept it! Sometimes staying in the problem to just have a problem, creates the problem. Again, this does not mean we dont hurt and there is not a problem...even a problem we do not have answers for. It just means we continue to live our lives, joyfully to the best of our abilities! My brother who is my ROCK...he takes care of me in EVERY way...has been there for me and my children like no business...he is suffering right now with no diagnosis! He cant feel his hands or his feet most days...has chest pains and muscle spasms that take his 6'4" frame down and he shows normal MRI's and CT's. He has the best of the best doctors...same ones that I was lucky enough to have consult on my case because they are his friends....I am rambling because this is so dear to my heart. This man, my brother, has no answers, has pain and suffering....and yet he sees his life as beautiful and sees himself as LUCKY because all of the horrible things have been proven wrong. He does not have Parkenson's or MS. His heart is healthy. Please put on a new pair of glasses...I know you are suffering, I know you struggle but life is still good even in the hard times, the times of no answers...How do you accept..you just do! Its not giving up, its becoming one with who you are. You don't stop searching, but you stop being consumed with finding an answer that fits with what works in your own mind. The american dream has nothing to do with our health and/or our body's revolt against us. We all want to be happy and finding our happiness can happen in any way, shape, or form. Even a body that hurts and denies us certain "human rights". That sounded heavy...and I guess I mean to sound heavy tonight. We are all in a good place if we are sitting on a computer typing our woes...you and me both. It doesn't take away from our pain, but we are not at the end of line here...we hurt, we suffer and we exist...therefore we are living. Glasses...put on a new pair of glasses and see your life differently. I type this knowing I must do the same..I didnt write my life like this, who would? This shit sucks! I still find joy and happiness in the little things and god-willing the big things as my life unfolds. No, you are not in control of your own destiny...why would you be...not one of us has that power...make money...easy...buy a house, easy...b e happy...now that is the trick question...my american dream has nothing to do with my body or my state of mind. Perplexing!
    3 level fusion L3-S1 July 23, 2012
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  • attheinletattheinlet Posts: 32
    edited 12/31/2012 - 2:12 PM
    I deleted my post. Thanks for reading it to those who had, but I wasn't clear if this was were I should have posted.
  • I've written you a personal message recommending some books that might help.

    Happiness is your chronic pain being less than it usually is...

    Migraines and so many herniated discs (the same ones over and over) that I have literally stopped counting
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 12,772
    edited 12/31/2012 - 7:18 AM
    Was to summarize how people can look at their spinal problem.

    I knew that if we want to enjoy our lives, families, friends and so much more, we need to have the positive attitude that goes along with accepting what we are.

    If we do not accept, it can be virtually impossible to take the next step. And that is how I see many people here on the forums as well in my personal life. I also believe that when we do not accept or deny we are basically sentencing ourselves to a life of misery , loneliness and perhaps much more.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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  • As Ron mentioned in another thread...sometimes you just stop! Attheinlet, please check your PM. I felt more comfortable introducing myself there. Peace to everyone! E
    3 level fusion L3-S1 July 23, 2012
  • Ron, I so understand what you are saying. I have felt myself being a negative nelly and after reatding your post and talking with friends like Ellen and especially my brother I realize that no matter my place in this journey of pain I have control over how I deal with it and feel about it.

    My brother is 62 yrs. young and has been disabled for 10 yrs. He has severe lumbar disc disease and was told by his surgeon that there was a 50/50 chance that he would be paralyzed if they did surgery. He made his peace and chose not to have surgery. Many thought he was selfish because he had an 8 yr. old and 2 yr. old at the time and would not try the surgery including myself. I thought that since I had successful lamenectomy in 1994 and had no problems 10 yrs. ago that he would be fine also. We had a discussion and he told me that he did not know the future and but wanted to live in the present and be there for his kids.

    Here we are 10 yrs down the road and his daughter has graduated and is in nursing school and son is playing sports and when he is able he is there for both of them. He takes strong opiates at this time but is not in a wheelchair like they said he would be.

    I feel much better since discussion and since deciding I may not be able to control what is going on with my body now, I can control how I treat my body and am going to start taking better care of it and especially my back. I may decide no more surgery or may not have a choice but there are things I can control and I am going to :) Thanks for opening Ron, just what I needed to hear tonight. I feel so enlightened ;)

  • kamgramkkamgram Posts: 483
    edited 01/02/2013 - 5:09 PM
    Anelson, you always talk about yourself in past tense. It is so sad. I dont just accept my spine problems and stop trying. I will continue to live my life but refuse to let my pain control my life. I am just taking one day at a time. Yes I will continue to find out what is going on as I have new issues with arthritis and knee surgery but wont dwell on it. I know that most of my issues with body are my own fault for not taking care of myself but I wont dwell on it just work on it and keep on keeping on :)

  • I don't know you or your case specifically but it makes me sad that you are being so weighed down by this. Yes, this is very hard. For me it's been going on now over 10 years and will continue into the future. Sure, I have days where I sit and cry and give into the pain, but to me those days cannot be the majority.

    For so long I felt totally alone in my pain, because I'm in my twenties and all my friends were healthy and active and I was losing my ability to keep up but didn't want to burden them. So for a long time I only dealt with my doctors and my mother's kind help. In 2012 two of my friends developed medical difficulties. One has TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) and had to have two ribs removed that were compressing her nerves. Another friend was diagnosed with ms, which is a heartbreaking disease I've watched my aunt suffer through for years. Both of these friends I was able to tell them the right doctors to go to, advise them on what to expect from certain tests, etc. this nightmare I suffer through alone was able to help guide them to getting the best care possible as soon as possible, when they were afraid and didn't know where to go.

    Both these friends have repeatedly told me wow, you're so strong! How do you do it? And I think wow, I've never thought of myself as strong. But when I sit back and see this awful journey, and look at the person I used to be compared to the person I am today, the difference is really astounding. I am smarter and I am stronger!

    So my point to you is, to start trying to look at the positive in this experience. Back stuff is horrible and no doubt I don't blame you for feeling so awful about it because it is, it really is awful. But, think about how you are surviving it. You are! And you can spend most of your days feeling down or you can spend most of your days fighting. This really is a fight and it strengthens us as people.

    Just wanted to share that with you, that in the pain there is a blessing: it makes you a better person, a stronger person.
  • thepretendertthepretender Posts: 36
    edited 01/03/2013 - 11:23 PM
    How hard it is being in pain without a diagnosis. For many months with a couple MRIs my doctors didn't understand my pain and I was starting to feel like I was nuts. Have you had a ct-myleogram? My surgeon finally believed something as wrong and agreed to exploratory surgery but ordered that just to see if it would show anything and it showed a fracture at the my artificial disc/fusion level that caused a lot of movement and as trapping my nerve. Perhaps it would show something for you.

    I do hope you get an answer. Is really frustrating going undiagnosed. We just have to try and keep our spirits up and keep on fighting to get some resolution. Wish you luck!
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