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I need help.

I am currently still recovering from a spinal fusion at l5 s1. It has been over a year since my surgery. I have an over growth of scar tissue at the l5 s1 and at the si joint. I have had cortisone shots. Sometimes they work for a little while. I am now just startiing to realize the extent of my injury and that I will never be the same again. I am 30. Idk wtf to do. I always tried to stay upbeat and know I would heal I know now that I probably willnever recover from this condition. I am so sad and I can't stop crying. I want to get off the meds but can't. Idk what to do. I'm pissed and I'm sad and idk what to do.
Sarah D


  • You had a huge surgery and it can take forever to heal. I know, I am in the same boat as you. I dont have an answer for you...or any advice that will be a cure all. I can only tell you that there are many of us in the same boat as you. No end in sight for pain and meds or anger and frustration. What I have found that works for me is being part of this forum where maybe my experience, words or attitude (be it positive on that particular day) might help someone else. I dont think its time to give up yet. I personally am facing SI joint injections and ne fusion coming up and I try everyday to enjoy the little things. Oh I am angry...but I cant let the anger win over my life. to I have 2 little kids and they deserve a happy mom...hell, I deserve to be happy. So we trudge through and figure out what best gets us through each day. Ice saves me....do you ice or heat? I will be going back to PT to try and strengthen things up a bit and am looking into some deep tissue massage as I have heard it works wonders for some; I am a 3 level but like you I am one of the luck ones that came out with a ton of scar tissue at L5-S1 and a blown SI joint just for good measure! So hang in there....reach out and things will start to make a little more sense. Peace, Ellen. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more in depth.
    3 level fusion L3-S1 July 23, 2012
  • I turned 33 today. I agree that most people think spinal issues will only happen much later in life, but surprise! Hang in there, and just know we are going to be some tough old women!!!!
    33yo mom of two. My surgical history...preadolescence scoliosis, kyphosis, and a hot mess.... 5 spine surgeries and lots of items added I wasn't born with (titanium, peek, surgical steel). Guess cremation is out. TSA loves me.
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  • William GarzaWilliam Garza TexasPosts: 3,792
    edited 02/19/2013 - 5:13 PM
    it may seem like it wont, but it does.
    time doesnt heal all, it just gives you enough scar tissue to be able to handle the strain
    keeping a positive attitude does help, will help, and will take a toll on you, and you wont always be "good" just even"
    your outlook will determine the results.
    this is the hard part
    accepting that your foever changed from who you were. to who you are.
    funny thing though, there is no difference, your still the essential "you"
    and thats the problem

    here is where frustration lives and breaths
    here is where the hard part is
    re adjusting to what is
    right here
    right now

    take your time, a change like this demands it and you will find your way to that inner peace
    your body now runs you, not the other way, and even though you know how to walk...
    you have to do it over, in a manner of speaking.

    your gonna be fine, you will get through this and many other trials.
    you can and will do it, to stop beating your head against that wall
    hang in there ok? its gonna be ok, and your story will be an inspiration to someone, somewhere, and someday...
    find the Heal in you first
    you know how
    you know it takes time
    so try and be gentle with yourself, as my good Spiney friend John would say
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Thank you so much. I just didn't accept the change until now. Knowing I wont be able to carry another child or ride or run or dance. So many things I love that I probably will never be able to do. My heart is broken and I feel like my spirit is too. I'm just bumming so bad. My meds help slighty for the pain but not enough. I have a two year old son that I can't pick up. I can barely load the dishwasher. I am divorcing my husband for stealing my pain pills. I have to fight workers comp for my full benefits . I am just at the end of my rope. It's good to know that I am not alone though. You guys are the best.....
    Sarah D
  • there is more to you than what you have become, a little slower, a little more painful, depressed, angry, sad and mad...all rolled up into one grear big ball of hurt.
    taking on all the issues at the same time is something only a superwoman would take on,
    its easyer to catagorize and prioritize the problems, in order of importance, or hurt
    never ever give up, at least easily,insanity by popular definision is doing the same thing over and over and getting thesame results.
    so come at the issues from a different angle, try new and novel approaches, its ok to try to figure things out non linearly

    Your Heart will break
    again and again, it is the way of Spiney
    you will find yourself broken again and again
    it is the way of Spiney

    you will learn bend
    you will learn to flow
    you will learn to accept
    you will find a measure of peace

    but you have to actively search
    behind, under and in every problem there is a solution
    you have to work
    hard for it sometimes
    but there is wisdom in the journey, and the destination

    Your going to be ok
    There will be good days too
    find solutions, dont let the Beast get ya down,
    if it does, there will be someone right here, on Spine Health, waiting to throw that shoulder under yours to help you along the way.

    Never forget your value
    your dignity and inherent human worth

    Never forget or feel alone
    because your not
    You have Joined this bent and broken family,
    Wondrous in its beauty
    Fierce in its passion to live, Love and yes, Laugh again

    your going to have to weather some storms
    figth your inner demons
    doubt and depression
    You will never ever be alone...even in the darkest of hours, call and someone will reach back
    your hand will never be found wanting for another filling it
    your soul
    will never be bereft of succor and comfort and tired as it may be, will find a willing companion for the journey

    welcome to our little Village on the web
    where youwill always have friends
    who understand you perfectly
    and one day...
    you will be their angel..

    Be gentle
    Have a wondrous new day!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

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  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 12,807
    and much more.

    Spinal problems and Spinal Surgery along with Chronic Pain never discriminate when it comes to age. We can never be too young or too old to experience this. I was 15 when I first started with back problems, 26 for my first myelogram. and 28 for my first lumbar surgery. I am now 62, after 7 Spinal Surgeries, 2 Total Shoulder replacement, 1 Total Hip replacement, with the other one due this year, then throw in cataract surgery as a result of the Spinal and Joint steroid injections I've had.

    I have a pretty good idea what spinal surgery and chronic pain can do to potentially upset one's life. I say potential, because we have so many options.
    I think the most important message that everyone on this site should pick up , is that
    Once you have had spinal problems, especially surgery, you always need to be aware of that

    Before I continue, let me just imbed something that I've called The Beast for so many years;

    Over the years, I have never figured out the beast, but I am getting better and better in shutting down the beast.
    (For those that are new and dont know what the beast is, read some of my earlier threads. This is the definition:


    The wild animal that lurks within our bodies once we have spinal issues. The beast was never invited, but is is with us and at times it comes out as an Ugly Beast causing Flare-ups and Pain. The beast is very hard to get rid of. So often, we don't know what caused the beast to start causing pain for us. It may come out anytime, when we are feeling good, when we think we are doing everything right. Some times, there is no rhyme or reason to this beast.

    However, once it is active, we need to take some actions to battle it, make sure it doesn't overtake us and finally beat down the beast and make it go away, even just for now.

    It is very important for us to understand and realize the beast is there. The beast is real, don't try to fool yourself. If you ignore it, you might open yourself for various problems, discomfort and pain.

    Just understand that the beast is never[/u] friendly, [u]never[/u] offering help, [u]never making you feel better and most of the time, it is an un-welcomed guest. The beast is a cold, harsh unfeeling thing that we all need to understand and hate and tame it .

    I've always believe that once we have accepted that we have some restrictions and limitations, the better off we will be.
    Please, if anything, dont do what I did. Once I started to feel good, I figured all bets were off and I could go back to
    doing anything I wanted to do. How much did this come into play after my first surgery, I will never be sure of, but
    my doctors really believe that ignoring what I should do created the situation/environment for my follow on surgeries

    I was married back in 1972, have a great wife and son (38) and daughter (34). From the time they were little, they recognized my limitations, without saying a word. They stepped in and helped out back then and to this day they still
    help with the "chores" that I can no longer do.

    I was very active in sports, played just about all of them, then after 30, started to settle down into a >30 year old softball league. I excelled for years. But when I turned 40, I just couldn't do it anymore. I went from being a valued player to an extra. Thats when I stopped.

    But that also played a key role in my outlook. I started to recognize my spinal and joint problems and started to work with that. I gave up thinking What was, if Only, etc I poured all my efforts into what I could still do. Once I did that, I
    realized there was SO much I could still do and ENJOY every minute of that.

    Maintaining a Positive attitude and outlook is key to enjoying your life. Each day you wake up, be thankful that you can
    still wake up......

    This is a small set of lyrics from one of my favorite songs (The Moody Blues)
    That there's none so blind
    As those who will not see
    And to those who lack the courage
    And say it's dangerous to try

    We all what it takes to make the best of life. Recognize the courage and never fail to try

    Sarah, as the others have said here, You have folks here that understand what you are going through and they care.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • ellencalieellencali Posts: 162
    edited 02/20/2013 - 6:29 AM
    I wanted to share part of it with you!

    I am destined for greatness....be it Spine Health greatness ;P but I am destined to come out on the other side better and better equipped to help the next spiney on their journey. That is what I hope everyone reading this post gets from this. This is a place we get to be everything we ever wanted to be..the strong person if we are not...the positive person if we are not...the person that needs to be sad and down and so unsure. I am all of those people here and it is so freaking liberating! I am what I am. I am spine patient who hurts and suffers....and it sucks. But more than that, I am a spine person that has become part of something bigger than my spine issues. So if anyone out there is reading this and is new to Spine Health and wonders if this place can make a difference.....wonder no more. This is a place that knows you, we know your pain, and suffering...we know your joy at the little things that make your days more bearable....we know the darkness the BEAST casts upon you. But more than anything we know the difference that an online community can make in our lives. I have read almost every post on this site. I have read things I agree with and disagree with, but what is most important is I have HEARD the message that I am not alone. Someone has walked before me and survived. I will survive and I will be the best person I can be as I walk or crawl my journey. I am having a hard time typing as I am crying like a baby. I dont know what I would do without Ron and this site. I feel so blessed to be a part of this group. I honestly am not sure I would have made it this far without this site and the encouragement from the people that are part of it. There is never a right way to do this....but I have made a right decision by immersing myself in this site and listening. I am proud of myself for that. Whether it be Alex and Git er done and all his craziness or Ms Jellyhall and her oh so ever kind words ALL of the time....the people that are here have saved my arse so many times. I am so very grateful.

    Please know that if there is anyone here that needs an ear or an email contact i am here for you. Its one of those pay it forward things...I believe that is how we survive this crapola!

    Again, Ron..thank you, I love you too and thank you for breaking it down in the simplest of terms. I will keep everyone posted as i trudge. This is not an easy road but damn its mine and I love it!

    Peace my friend,
    3 level fusion L3-S1 July 23, 2012
  • Thank you all. Just this one post has helped me so much. I am still bumming but I know there isn't much I can do now except continue my pain management and hopefully get some where with it. I am fairly sure I will win back my full benefits so I am trying not to stress too much. I have a date tomorrow and that helps too Lol!
    Sarah D
  • This is why i love this site.When i first came on 3 wks ago ,i was very frightend and after reading and listening to these nice people, im now more relaxed and waiting for ALIF lumbar surgery March 13th.My Dr sent me on this site and im glad i did. It is helping prepare me for that day.Thanks to all who are struggling and fighting on!!!Stay strong everyone!!!!
    Kathy B
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