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Ready to leave my husband...



  • FrancineSFFFrancineSF Posts: 318
    edited 04/14/2013 - 8:33 AM
    ...is that you are willing to be honest and express your frustration - frustration that comes from years of dealing with that. Some are silent about their frustration or that inconvenience is short term and there is a beginning, middle and an end to it.

    Just because it's 'in sickness and in health' doesn't mean that there aren't frustrating moments and feelings that go along with all of that. That's usually someone in denial and completely oblivious to the other person and what they are going through being the caretaker that makes a comment like that.
    10/26/2012 ACDF C3/4 C4/5 surgery
    No pain; no pain meds - thank goodness!
    04/01/2013 - 5 months + 1 week - FUSED
    Doing some physical therapy for even better range of motion
  • 4life44life Posts: 36
    edited 04/15/2013 - 9:21 AM
    no its not comments of someone oblivious to the other peoples feelings that are involved in the situation. statements like "im ready to leave my husband" are unacceptable to some. I think anyone that undergoes surgery completely understands the stress' and strains it puts on the other person both mentally and physically but the thought of turning your back in your partners time of need is beyond me. lets hope neither of your parnters ever suffer with something more serious or longer lasting.
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  • FrancineSFFFrancineSF Posts: 318
    edited 04/15/2013 - 10:55 AM
    ...I don't see anyone turning their back on anyone. It was a feeling expressed in a moment of what appeared to be complete exasperation. I didn't see anyone abandoning anyone, especially seeing that they have been married for 41 years! Holy moly. That's a testament to a putting up with a lot of "in sickness and in health".

    If it's the subject of the email that caused you to respond that way - I guess it required reading more. To suggest married people don't FEEL that way from time to time (and usually don't act on it) would be, well, silly.

    I hear married friends say it from time to time when they are exasperated, but fortunately know that they aren't throwing in the towel and that their level of support doesn't diminish. It is, however, very challenging to be with someone when they are giving up. So, someone expresses a feeling. Lordy.

    I see no one turning their back on anyone.
    I do see it being incredibly healthy to feel more autonomy if one is feeling stuck- without throwing in the towel, but cultivating their own strengths.

    What a ridiculous statement you once again make about "let's hope neither of your partners ever suffer with something more serious or longer lasting." You really don't get it, but thankfully none of that matters in the real world. I will go with the person who has been by her husband's side for 41 years and has a moment of frustration to someone who makes mean-spirit comments based on, well, absolutely nothing.

    Enough said on this, especially since you have no real information, especially about me! haha

    Enjoy your day.
    10/26/2012 ACDF C3/4 C4/5 surgery
    No pain; no pain meds - thank goodness!
    04/01/2013 - 5 months + 1 week - FUSED
    Doing some physical therapy for even better range of motion
  • maybe instead of trying so hard to defend the post of someone else you should read the start of the post. like I said. a statement of "im ready to leave my husband" would suggest turning their back. so I guess if people post opening statements with headings like that they kind of open themselves up to comments from other users currently going through rehab. Im sure if your as intelligent as you like to make out then youll realise that you do not need to defend other users on this site. Im not surprised what side of the fence you fall on with the nature of your response. good luck to you and those in your life
  • ..mine are all well taken care of and supported well beyond what one would consider fair and reasonable, I suspect. :)

    And really, I usually don't defend others in this forum, except yours was such a sweeping condemnation that it warranted a response, because I usually expect people of intelligence to read and read more clearly. That is my mistake - and an assumption on my part, apparently. :)

    Thankfully, we both seem to be quite happy with those in our lives and they are happy with us. That's really all that matters, now isn't it? :)

    Good luck to you!
    10/26/2012 ACDF C3/4 C4/5 surgery
    No pain; no pain meds - thank goodness!
    04/01/2013 - 5 months + 1 week - FUSED
    Doing some physical therapy for even better range of motion
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  • MaraisMMarais Posts: 11
    edited 04/15/2013 - 1:55 PM
    OMG, the last thing I wanted to do was create discord on this board. Everyone who responded to my initial post has said something that has helped me...or made me take a good look at myself. 4life, I think you are correct - I chose the wrong title for my post. It should have been "Need to get away" or "At the end of my rope."

    My husband knows me so well after 41 years, knows that I love him...knows that when I am extremely stressed, I say things I don't really mean...and yes, I believe sometimes he needs to know that I am at that point. Please remember, my husband is not in a lot of pain, needs no pain meds - his problem is a weakness in one of his quad muscles that led to knee osteoarthritis. His doctor would not even sign for a handicapped parking permit. He has been told by his doctors to count his blessings and "go out and live your life." After a year and a half, that's what I want him to do.

    Please, please, know that posting here has really helped me and I wish every one of you well. Thank you!

  • HesterHHester Posts: 90
    edited 04/15/2013 - 2:21 PM
    is people get testy and there are those that take a few printed words as they are the sum of that person. I look at blog posts as what people feel on that day or that moment. Any post that is "negative" is in some way a cry for help. Otherwise, the person would not have bothered to post it. I totally saw your statement as a loving, caring partner who is at the end of their rope. I wish I could have told you to take a vacation. You do need it as does my husband more than likely. It is a shame we all cannot get a nice long break from pain, surgery and ill health or overworked caregivers.
    Age 55
    Herniated L4-5 1992
    DDD diagnosed
    Hysterectomy 2005
    Steven Johnsons Syndrome 2008-09
    Gastroparesis 2009-10
    Right ankle and toe reconstruction 2012
    ACDF C6-7 surgery March 2013
    Stroke? Cancer? MS? Who knows! in inferior cerebellum 2013
  • ...the difference between a frustrating moment and a real action. I suspect if you were really looking to leave your husband or were truly not supportive and "there" for him, you would have just left and certainly not come on here to talk about it. :)

    I didn't take anything that was said personally, and I was chuckling through most of the back and forth. I certainly wasn't spending energy being upset.

    I got what you meant by thoroughly reading your post. Glad you clarified/spelled out your intent. :)

    Keep up the drivers license test studying!! hahaha

    10/26/2012 ACDF C3/4 C4/5 surgery
    No pain; no pain meds - thank goodness!
    04/01/2013 - 5 months + 1 week - FUSED
    Doing some physical therapy for even better range of motion
  • Marais, If I may add my two cents in, the simple fact that you came here looking for advice tells me that you are a caring person and love your husband. I think that if you didn't, you wouldn't have bothered to come here at all. I know this has been said, but some people seemed to stop reading after looking at your title, which is sad in of itself, but no matter. I'm glad you came here to express your feelings, keeping them inside will do no one any good. So please remember that we're here for you and feel free to vent for any reason. Take care.
  • I am 61 and my wife is 45 we were married 22 years ago, we have a 20 year old daughter, one year after we were married I hurt my back. Long story short 9 spinal surgeries, 10 spinal procedures and 2 cancer surgeries we are still happy and very much in love. It has not been easy on any of us and I thank God for my wife and our daughter every day. Depression is very common with chronic pain or when surgery has left us less than we were. I'm not sure about your reluctance to antidepressants, they can help, find the right one, even an aspirin can have side effects. Also make sure that you both communicate with each other it's not always easy, but the only way to resolve issues is to let your feelings be known and listen to one another.
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