Its hard to hear that there will be better days when there never is any. My Drs say unless stemcell research becomes a legal medical option, I will continue to get worse and I will lose mobility and eventually be in a wheelchair. I have been thru all the tests and all the pain relieving methods with literally zero relief. My pain meds only make life a little more tolerable.
Yesterday I noticed a bit more pain than usual. I realized I was 5 hrs over due on my meds. I got up late due to a sleepless night so I lost track of time and my med schedule. I am on the strongest meds my Dr will give. Methadone 10mg 2x a day. There is no activity or sleeping position that I can get any type of relief. My only solace is the fine knife edge of being distracted in such a manner that I almost forget I am hurting. Almost... my mind is distracted on work but as soon as I stop to sit back or catch my breath and remember to breathe(which I do more and more). Other than that, pain is front and center.
Me and my wife pretty much have lost interest in each other. She is tired of trying and so am I. She is the type that gets out and goes camping and fishing and likes to go out of town for different events, and me, I sit home alone. I dont know if she has left me emotionally or not. I think she has but she still surprised me from time to time. However she makes more plans to be away from home lately.
The thing is, I dont really care about anything except for the impossible... getting rid of the pain. I dont care about helping myself if there still will be pain in the end. I dont care about saving my marriage if pain is gonna still be around, the pain destroyed my marriage. I dont care if my mind gets more and more negative because if there is pain even after I try to fix the stuff that my pain broke, then whats the use? Whats the gain? Nothing because the common denominator is pain. pain tore my life apart. Pain is the reason I am overweight and gaining more weight it seems, pain is the reason I am at home. Pain is the reason I cant take a vacation...because I cant leave my pain at home. It is the beast that lives in my body, constantly eating away at my life. Consuming all that I enjoy and leaving me only with isolation to be one on one, face to face with only pain.