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I am losing the battle one day at a time.

armelindarmelind South TexasPosts: 130
Its hard to hear that there will be better days when there never is any. My Drs say unless stemcell research becomes a legal medical option, I will continue to get worse and I will lose mobility and eventually be in a wheelchair. I have been thru all the tests and all the pain relieving methods with literally zero relief. My pain meds only make life a little more tolerable.

Yesterday I noticed a bit more pain than usual. I realized I was 5 hrs over due on my meds. I got up late due to a sleepless night so I lost track of time and my med schedule. I am on the strongest meds my Dr will give. Methadone 10mg 2x a day. There is no activity or sleeping position that I can get any type of relief. My only solace is the fine knife edge of being distracted in such a manner that I almost forget I am hurting. Almost... my mind is distracted on work but as soon as I stop to sit back or catch my breath  and remember to breathe(which I do more and more). Other than that, pain is front and center. 

Me and my wife pretty much have lost interest in each other. She is tired of trying and so am I. She is the type that gets out and goes camping and fishing and likes to go out of town for different events, and me, I sit home alone. I dont know if she has left me emotionally or not. I think she has but she still surprised me from time to time. However she makes more plans to be away from home lately.

The thing is, I dont really care about anything except for the impossible... getting rid of the pain. I dont care about helping myself if there still will be pain in the end. I dont care about saving my marriage if pain is gonna still be around, the pain destroyed my marriage. I dont care if my mind gets more and more negative because if there is pain even after I try to fix the stuff that my pain broke, then whats the use? Whats the gain? Nothing because the common denominator is pain. pain tore my life apart. Pain is the reason I am overweight and gaining more weight it seems, pain is the reason I am at home. Pain is the reason I cant take a vacation...because I cant leave my pain at home. It is the beast that lives in my body, constantly eating away at my life. Consuming all that I enjoy and leaving me only with isolation to be one on one, face to face with only pain.


  • Oh hey,don't give up on the good that can come out of this!
    I'm truly,genuinely sorry for what pain has done to your life!
    In essence it's taken over my life somewhat also but I'll be dambed to giving up as long as I have a single breath in me!
    I have not only lumbar spine issues,I also have cervical spine issues too!
    Its excruciating to have a life,I know,I struggle with pain 24/7 
    I'm going to suggest you trying something that I was initially skeptic of but after trying it and seeing and feeling first hand great results,I'm a firm believer that there is something to this enzyme called Serrapeptase!
    It helps with inflammation and many other health problems! 
    Do a little bit of research on it,you'll be impressed I think!
    0 side effects  (if there was I'd have them)...I found in just a couple of days a bit of a difference and slowly seeing improvements!
    Its not a "cure all" but it sure makes things a bit easier! 
    Just be sure and research the best brands too!
    (What I found was Solaray and Drs.Best brands are the cleanest and most recommended!
    Good luck to you and please don't give up!
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,434
    living in chronic pain is a terrible fate. especially when everything has been tried and nothing works.  those of use living in that situation have to realize that pain is part of our daily lives.

    it can consume us, it  can take over our lives, it can be the master of our universe.   but that is if we allow it.

     i am not saying that we can do tings to eliminate our pain.  we can do things that can minimize the overall impact that it has.   there is so much more than just the physical pain.  the spine-health writers took a blog that i had written and published it.. chronic pain, beyond the physical impact dealing with chronic pain for much of my life, i've understood so much about it.

    there isnt an answer or a cure for it.  but its our  approach on how we handle it that can make all the difference. another thread i put together is one that i have found works and so many others have also the blend  its not an answer, not a cure for all , but a concept.  

    i've gone through a lot of surgeries, i've gone through my flare-ups that i want to remember, so much about dealing with chronic pain.    humor has played an important ingredient in my day to day living.   a day in the life of a person with chronic pain  i wrote that back in 2008, to illustrate what chronic pain is all about.

    chronic pain produces a lot of stress on relations.  can we deal with this?

    i dont think there is a person here that can say that their chronic pain has not impacted their personal and intimate lives.

    i dont have any answer that will make your pain go away, nor can i say anything to help in your relationship.  all i can do is speak from my heart about how chronic pain can impact a life.

    in the end, its really up to us.  deciding on how to deal with our life. its easy to give up, keep in taking all those narcotics, blank out the rest of the world,  but it is harder to work at things to make those trouble areas become not so much of a trouble.   positive thinking and a good outlook on life are not just words, they are something we can live by.

    here on spine-health, in many ways we are lucky.  we have a gifted member who has written post after post, or should i really say prose after prose.  he understand what we all deal with and he can find the words that can ease some of our pain and discomfort, and he comes free of charge!   if you haven't already, i strongly suggest reading discussions created by william garza.   
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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  • Armelind.
    Respectfully..very respectfully K?

    Your caught in a circular argument with yourself.
    Your defeating your own coping mechanisms.
    The same thoughts go round the same track all day.
    Your defeating yourself.
    There is never any end of trying.

    That is a cold hard fact.

    Ime not here to argue.

    I been around that block..many times
    You got to get off that thought trolly.

    I wont give you no pep talk
    This condition we live in IS never ending for some.
    This condition WILL be a part and parcel of many lives..for the rest of their lives.

    What we do as pain prisoners is bootstrap ourselves and do what we can, as we can, and how we can.

    The 5 stages of grief must be passed before moving on to live the best we can..I say we...
    No disrespect to you or your condition
    But this circular reasoning is killing your spirit.
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • armelindarmelind South TexasPosts: 130
    edited 02/18/2016 - 9:45 AM
    Thank you for the concern. Yes I am tired, yes I have tried everything, I have asked questions to see what can help. I have changed my lifestyle due to pain and trying to help relieve pain, nothing helps. I am usually in a good mood even though it doesn't show on here. I only come here when I am at my wits end.

    I don't see anyone who ever gets physically better on here. The people with my issues are either worse or no better than me. I said before, I live for my wife and kid. If it was me by myself, maybe not so much. 

    I have learnt humility, I have had to deal with many difficult things (just like everyone else) most of my life. Nothing comes easy in my life. I am just lucky that the family I have left is very loving. But I dont see them as much as they would like becuase I never feel well enough to go visit. I am always tired. I have trouble sleeping. I am shackled to my pharmacy. I never took medicine unless I absolutely needed it. Now I am a hillbilly heroin junkie. My meds are ruining my teeth. Before my last injury, I spent all my vacation time and thousands of dollars going to the dentist because I finally had insurance and for the first time in my life I had a healthy mouth. Now since 2008, I have had nothing but issues and my teeth are eaten away. I look like a junkie...but I don't get high. I don't have the money to get my teeth fixed. My insurance isn't that good anymore...I am sure most know why.

    I avoid the things I love to do because the "pain cost" is too high. Even the simplest of pleasures takes too much out of my day in recovery to start doing. I only do stuff now that needs to be done.

    You are right, my pain and thoughts are bad, but today I am not seeing what good can come out of being miserable every waking moment of my life.

    Oh yeah... and no I am not spiritual or religious. I don't believe in it and I have my reasons why. And no, that's not the reason I am "allowed" to suffer. I can already hear that argument plenty.
  • I am sorry you feel this way but I can understand. What is your issues? I assume your back.
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  • armelindarmelind South TexasPosts: 130
    Yes... lower back here is my history.

    Medical History 
    L4-5-S1, Lumbar Laminectomy, Discectomy, Cages, Bone Growth Stimulator, RF Nerve Ablation, Cortizone Shots, Surgery to remove hardware, Lidocaine Injections, Nerve Blocker Injections. End result - Epidural Fibrosis

    Nerve damage in my back. Actually scarring of nerves coming out of my spinal chord...and MRIs have shown the area of scarring is growing. Every few months, my pain levels increase to a new plateau and they dont ever come back down. After telling my doctor this, he says he hears that alot. I have been to other Drs and my current doctor has done the most for me. Tried harder, willing to take advice. He actually tells me he doesnt want to do any other invasive procedures on me because instead of good, they could be bad, even the last resort that he says might help. He says he wont try it until I am further into my problem. I respect him for that.

    Daily I feel my body slowing down. I feel myself straining to do things that were easy. It takes me 30 minutes to get out of bed and put on my clothes. Thats if I am in a hurry. I have to rest between articles of clothing. Especially socks and boots. I choose boots because the laces are up higher so they are easier to tie. Showers are exhausting.  They take so much time and it takes a while to recover from all the straining of taking a shower.

    I used to get pleasure from playing music. I still do up to a point but I am realizing there may be a time soon that I may need to give it up. I keep a stool nearby always... I try to sit when I can. My band mates are very supportive.

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,434
    Curious, what is the last resort?
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • armelindarmelind South TexasPosts: 130
    The neural stimulator pain thing.
  • I hope it makes a significant difference in your life. I am considering one too so it will help with the nerve pain. I've had a Medtronic pump for years since more surgery isn't an option for me. I found out I had permanent nerve damage and epidural fibrosis after my TLIF. Although I have chronic pain, the pump spared me completely bedridden. Hope always exists..never give up. 20 year marriage went bust but it turned out to be a blessing in the end. It was the best thing for me and I am happier because of it today. I truly hope you and your wife will reconnect with each other and stay together. Communication is so important. Anyway, take care and keep us posted on the SCS.
    Ol' Spiney..Micro-D L4-L5, TLIF L4-S1 -post op central HNP L4-S1,stenosis, retrolisthesis, EF, facet arthropathy, lumbar& cervical DDD. FBSS- Medtronic pain pump & SCS
  • TwylerTwyler sprinfield, MoPosts: 4
    I feel terrible for you armelind.
    I too have been at a giving up point before.
    My marriage is ruined because of my pain, we basically live as roommates.
    I have zero advice for you, I just needed to let you know that I feel you, and to show support.
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