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Who do you miss the most

Over any one's life span, there is going to be the loss of a loved one.  That doesnt always have to apply to humans only.  

While it may be hard to talk about those losses, I have found that by posting information like that here can be therapeutic.  Especially when its in an environment that you know is safe.  Why do I say Say Safe?  Thats because I look at the member community here is a being one large family.  We all are here for one spinal problem or another so that we can understand pain and discomfort.  No one here judges another one.

-------------------------

I know for myself , the loss of my father was very hard.  He passed away in 2000.  Up until he was 60 he was a very active healthy man.  Then he started with some spinal problems, surgeries, strokes, congestive heart failure, diabetes, had a food peg installed.  He spent so many times in the hospital the last 10 years of his life.  My mother and father still lived on Long Island even though we tried to get them to move up to CT so they could be closer to us.  They didn't want to leave their home.  But after visiting our house in New Milford, CT, my father wanted to move immediately.  It was good, they moved walking distance from us.  He did say they he did not want to go to the hospital ever again.  When something happened, he wanted to remain in his house.  Which he did.  My wife took care of him daily being a nurse.  I was there as his son and to keep him company.  He developed some problems and we honored his wishes by allowing him to stay at home.   One day he said to my wife, I am tired, no more.   About a week later he passed away in his sleep.  It was great for him,  He was able to have all his grandchildren visit him, sit on his bed, etc.  It brought so much joy to him.  I do miss him, still do, just even writing this brings my to tears.  But there are always so many found memories.  And thats the beauty about memories, they can never be taken away from us. 


Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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Comments

  • Motor1MMotor1 Pittsburgh, PaPosts: 606
    Great topic, Ron!
    I lost my mother & my brother both within a year. 
    My mother passed away in her sleep. It was quite a shock for my family. She was 72, very active & volunteered at the Hospice company that I worked for. 
    One month later, my brother suffered a major anyerism. He survived the surgery after the anyerism,  but it left him paralyzed from the waist down. He suffered several heart attacks during his "recovery". He really suffered for months. 
    It was so hard to watch his pain & suffering for 9 months. 
    As hard as it was to have my mother pass so unexpectedly, it was also very hard to watch my brother suffer so much. 
    I took a leave of absence from my job to take care of him until he passed. We did place him in a nursing home for some therapy, but all he wanted to do was go home. He didn't want to die in a nursing home. Who can blame him? 
    I miss them both dearly. But like Ron said, I will always have their memories. 
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    edited 04/06/2016 - 8:57 AM
    Probably my dad as well, a long , mentally ill, drug addicted life with many regrets ultimately led my father to commit suicide.  I have no anger or resentment , just sadness at how much pain and loneliness he must have felt.  My entire life I have been more the father figure to him and somehow I always believed in day he would pull out of it.  When I became an adult he moved far away to protect us I believe from himself and knew he was struggling badly and was homeless.  Once I could get a good job with time off I felt I could save him by going to see him every chance I could and get him a place to live.  I deal with so much guilt all the time because I got hurt and wasn't able to do help him as I had to focus on myself and getting better while trying to continue manual labor job to support my ex and her sister in school and helping raise my godchild.  I just never got to do anything to save my dad as an adult, not like when I was kid where I couldn't really do anything and he died during my turmoil of getting hurt and regrouping.  And I live everyday feeling like my dad would still be here if I didn't get injured.  I miss him and he was an awesome guy when he was himself.  It would have been so cool to see the new Star Wars with him as we were big fans and selfishly I just really needed him especially when I felt so alone going through my diagnosis period with this new stuff.
    But I love him and will never forget the good times and I pushed the bad ones out years ago. I was luckier than most I saw my dad as two people always, one who was loving, and smart, caring and I thought was bigger than life, then their was this other person and he wasn't my dad so I don't have to ever think of my dad in bad ways or blame him because I know it wasn't him doing many of those things.  
    I am glad he isn't suffering anymore, but I really miss him.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
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  • Wow.  What a remarkable and rare gift you were able to give to your father--a "good" death that was overflowing with dignity, grace, and love!!! 

    My father died of cancer when I was 25, and at the time I was living in the south.  His oncologist had told the family in January of the year he passed that Dad wouldn't likely make it past October.  At that point, I was working numerous part-time jobs, so I wasn't in a place where an impetuous decision was going to cost me very much in the career department.  I decided to go back up north for a while to spend some time with my father and the family.
    I spent about two months back home, and in those two months, my father and I--ever the intrepid night owls--talked. 

    He told me what most scared him about death.  The dying part didn't faze him (I can still remember the timbre of his voice when he said quite matter-of-factly, "Either there's something there after you die, or there isn't.  Plain and simple.")  What did bother him was leaving my mother and the family.  It's not that he feared my mother or we kids wouldn't be able to take care of ourselves, but the idea of us mourning him was the one thought with which he struggled the most.  We listened to records (YES--the vinyl ones), I sang for him and with him, and in hindsight, I now know those two months we spent together were healing for both of us.

    I didn't know it at the time, but had I put off that visit, I would never have had that experience with him.  He didn't make it to October.  He died a few months after I returned to the south.  I feel that his death was a "good" death, too.  He passed away in his sleep without the indignities that typically come with one's last breath, cuddled up to my mother with his arm draped over her just like always...

    Thanks for opening up this very cathartic thread, Ron!! 
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • Max_LeeMax_Lee New York, United StatesPosts: 387
    I lost my grandfather when I was a senior in high school, three days after prom. He had suffered a heart attack when I was about nine or ten, and he had had dementia for the remainder of his life. Honestly, I knew him better after the heart attack than before. He was a WWII Navy pilot, and had some really incredible stories. Most of his memories after the '60s were hazy, but he always seemed to remember my face and lit right up whenever he saw me. I didn't see him for two years until the week before he died because my mother had forbidden it, and he was asleep the last time I saw him. He died peacefully and not at all unexpectedly. I prefer to remember him the way he was when I was a young teen: elderly, confused about his own wife and children and great-grandchildren's names; but still a very kind man who would ask the same question every ten minutes and have a heck of an awesome conversation. I lost my friend when I lost him. He was the one person in my family I was close to, my grandmother (his wife) is the second and she is aphasic with her dementia now, though I can see in her eyes that she does like to see me. I miss them very dearly.
    Kieran 
     "The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the
    brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do
    not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.''-Anonymous


    My Story: http://www.spine-health.com/forum/discussion/90688/pain/neck-pain-cervical/help#latest


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,284
    Interesting how so much is about our parents.
    I lost both of my at the same age, 83.  But as I said, my father death was after a long long chronic illness.  My mother did not go that way.  She was a fit women, never sick a day in her life, never needed any medications.  She loved to tinker in her garden daily..   My wife set up a procedure where I would call over to her house at 10:00 each day just to check up on her or she would call me at the same time. 

    One Sunday, we were out and the phone calls didnt happen.  I went out to get dinner, and for some reason, I stopped over my mothers house just to check in on her.  I had the key to the house, I went in, everything was so quiet.  I called her name, no answer, I went over to her bedroom and before i got in, I could see her feet on the floor.  She must have been getting ready for bed, sat down on the bed and had a massive heart attack and fell back into bed.   So, I was the one that found her dead.

    One parent died after years of suffering, that was hard, but hard on him.  My other parent died in a flash, easier on her , harder on the survivors.
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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  • gfishggfish Pittsburgh PAPosts: 236
    Its hard not to say your parents. Both of mine are gone and of course miss them dearly.  But my father in-law and I have gotten really close. He divorced and got remarried and we started doing so much together.  Was nice to just say something and not have to watch what you said,... We said what was ever on our mind.  Two chairs in his garage and a beer.  Or at night just sitting on the porch.   He helped me in so many ways I don't think he ever knew.  From fishing, working on cars to investing money that man seemed to know it all and was always there for advice.  But after he broke his hip, he went down hill and passed away. It was like losing my 2nd Dad. When you share your life issues, problems and a friendship with someone and they know you very deeply. Makes it that much harder when they are gone. The memories are not forgotten.   
    Greg fisher
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