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Just Hit Me

Kimmy72KKimmy72 Posts: 2,103
edited 04/26/2016 - 8:22 AM in Matters of the Heart
Ok--so our family is divided.  My sister monopolizes most of my mother's time with her kids and her problems.  My brother moved to where my mom's living for a job a while ago, and has increasingly become disgusted by it all.  It's one of those situations where it doesn't matter what you say--it falls on deaf ears.
Mom and I were talking this morning about a friend of hers who is ill from cancer due to smoking cigarettes.  Let's just say it's an understatement when I say I hate that habit with every cell in my body.  Mom told me to go to her friend's Facebook page, and show people in my life who smoke what it can do to you.  I set up an account, and took a peek.
My mom has a Facebook page, too, so I decided to check out what she had going on.  As I was scrolling through her timeline (?), I see a picture of her with my sister in a city that is 45 minutes away from me. 
My mother never said a word about it.  They were 45 minutes away, I was recovering from surgery and despite the crap with my sister, it really would've meant a whole lot to me if I'd meant enough to my self-absorbed sister to pop by on the way to their destination--which was visiting the friend I mentioned above who lives in my state, too.
I wouldn't have expected a long visit.  It doesn't take long to show people that you care.  I wasn't that far out of the way from their destination.  I feel like whatever excuse I would hear at this point wouldn't be enough to explain that away.  It wouldn't matter if I confronted my mother about it, either.  I'm really upset, and as horrible as it sounds, I don't even want to talk to mom for a bit.
I know it shouldn't be hittng me like it is, but I'm devastated.  I'm heartbroken.  I'm crying as I write this.  I've been an absolute emotional wreck at time because of all this spine crap.  I guess it just goes to show you how much my sister is in control of my mother.  
I also suppose that's what I get for lurking around on Facebook.  
Thanks for reading. 

Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
Firm believer in PMA!
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13

Comments

  • LizLiz Posts: 9,745
    Kimmy
    I can relate totally to that, it is heartbreaking. You're not to blame for the situation. I can see why you would want to distance yourself from your mum for a while it a natural reaction. Your mum would know you would find out with access to her fb page and should have explained herself....not that there is an acceptable explaination.
    I think I would rather know than be in the dark about their visit, but that is just me.
    Take care

    Liz, 

    Veritas-Health Forum Moderator

    Spinal stenosis since 1995
    Lumber decompression surgery S1 L5-L3[1996]
    Cervical stenosis, so far avoided surgery
  • As much as it does hurt to know,  I'm with you.   It's better that I DO know,  as it makes it quite clear just how much my mother is willing to give up by focusing all of her attention on ONE (of six remaining) children.   My sister is a user,  and my mother is blindly codependent.  Better I see it so I can work on my own way of protecting myself from future agony.   
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
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  • Kimmy72
    Hey you I am so sorry with all you have going on with your health and get hurt like that is cruel to say the least. I am going through some rough times right now so I have not been on here much, but do read and this touched my heart. I could tell stories of a sister that turned my Mom against me and in ways that tore my heart apart and now I don't even talk to my sister at all. I had to write her off and it is painful as hell right. You wonder how they can be like that my Mom took my sister's side every time sounds like what you are dealing with. I am not sure about what relationship you had with your sister do you think confronting her will make things worse for you? I mean it is hard to just let it ride I finally got so tired of the hurt I cut my sister off not that you should. Heck a person can only take so much right and it is always the loved ones that do it.  
    It doesn't matter how old we get our family can dig in deep and hurt us to the core. I am so sorry you are being treated this way you don't deserve it one bit. 
    I am not making sense I just hope you know i care and how sorry I am.
    Big Hug Sherri
  • Thank you,Sherri...
    I am sorry to hear YOU haven't been well! I truly appreciate he fact that you took the time to write to me.  
    I guess I just didn't realize how tight my sister's grasp on my Mom is...I don't know...maybe I didn't WANT to see it because I like to believe the best about people.   Confonting my sister would be liketalking to a wall--and because she is a "poor struggling single mom" (even though the reason she is single is because she got busted having affair on "business" trips) , my mother would run to her defense like a moth to a flame.  Mom refuses to believe my sister was screwing around. She is the victim--and like all pseudo-victims,  has to have someone in her life to keep on a tight leash to stroke her head and buy into the crap (OH, AND watch her kids while she parties, travels, starts new kid-free activities)--in this case, my mother. 
    It hurts,  and it stinks.   I somehow have to learn how to make it hurt LESS. 
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • My husband and I were talking about this whole mess when he came home from work today.  I am admittedly directionally-illiterate...he said, "Do you realize they had to PASS where we live on the way to their first stop?"
    :(
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
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  • That is awful. I am sorry. I don't know what I would do without my family.
    -Loz-
  • SooveritSooverit Finger Lakes region of NYPosts: 460
    This exact thing happened to me after I had my son two years ago and my pain was just starting to emerge. My mother kept putting off coming to visit to meet her new grandson...need to save money, prior travel arrangements with husband, etc. I open up Facebook to see her post that she's in Seattle "waiting for my beautiful daughter to arrive!" (I was in northern California). She and my golden child sister were taking a huge, multi state trip to the east coast to visit my grandmother and a friend of my mom's. My mother and I spoke or texted daily, but she never mentioned the trip with my sister.

    I was devastated! Felt like I got kicked in the stomach! It caused irreparable damage to my relationship with my sister, aND my mother and I are just starting to talk again after 2 years  (she still has not met my son).

    It IS a big deal, and you have every right to feel hurt and angry. I'm so sorry that happened. 

    I ended up confronting my mom...I did so as gently as I could...it was from a place of hurt (not anger- yet), and it blew up in my face. So, take time to think about how you want to handle it and what outcome you would hope for. You are very vulnerable right now, so any defensiveness or rejection of your feelings (from your mom and sister) could really compound the hurt.

    Sorry, again. Hope you heal well and find all the love and support you need!

    Take care :) 
  • Kimmy
    How are you doing today? I swear our sisters sound like they were made from the same mold. I don't think there is any secret to softening that kind of pain it is way more difficult than the physical pain we deal with.  
    All I know is each time I have those thoughts I remind myself of the fact that I did nothing to deserve their treatment. You are a kind and caring person which is clear from the support you give so many on here and shame on them for not appreciating you more.
    Wish I could help (I couldn't even kick her butt my legs won't go up that far Ha Ha). Sorry just trying to make you smile, cause there is nothing funny about it.
    Big Hug Sherri
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,518
    Kimmy, sorry, I haven't bee online that often in the past week or so. You know you can not change people.  Worst thing is that if you try to force people to behave in a better more civilized or caring way towards you, you only are going to resent that you had to force people and it wouldn't come natural.

    Some people are never going to see that..  In family environments, many times you will see that between a parent and one of their children.  Nothing steps in their way, its their way or no way and dont stand in front of them, you might get run over.

    Again, sorry
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 

  • busdriver73 said:my family is totally screwed up beyond belief, and believe me when i say that i would rather have strangers visit me than family, my family doesn't believe i am in as much pain as i am, and they don't have any sympathy for my situation, so i would rather not have anything to do with them. it hurts, but it's much better than being hurt every time i see them. good luck.

    i can relate to this.  five hours in a car might not seem like much, but as much pain as sitting/driving causes me, it's not been possible for me to make the trip.  i guess the roads are closed going the opposite direction? lol (a very snarky lol, for sure). 

    sooverit said:


    i was devastated! felt like i got kicked in the stomach! it caused irreparable damage to my relationship with my sister, and my mother and i are just starting to talk again after 2 years  (she still has not met my son).


    i felt the very same way.  my heart (and stomach) isn't made out of stone, although yesterday i sure wished it would've been.  i'm sorry you also had to find out the hard way.  i searched my soul a whole lot yesterday, and asked myself a lot of tough questions, too.  is this just jealousy of my sister that she gets the majority of my mother's time?  do i need to make more of an effort to visit them?  and of course, the classic:  am i overreacting?  after much consideration, i realized i could answer every one of those questions with a confident no. 

    hope3 said:
    wish i could help (i couldn't even kick her butt my legs won't go up that far ha ha). sorry just trying to make you smile, cause there is nothing funny about it.

    well, there's something funny about it, now!!  oh my goodness--i couldn't even do it, either!! hahahahaa...my hamstrings would lock up tighter than fort knox, and i'd be the one on the floor.  thank you for the giggle!!!!  i needed that so much!!

    dilauro said:

    some people are never going to see that..  in family environments, many times you will see that between a parent and one of their children.  nothing steps in their way, its their way or no way and dont stand in front of them, you might get run over.

    again, sorry

    the very, very sad thing about this is that my mother is putting all of her eggs in my sister's basket.  when the going gets tough (my mother is no spring chicken, but is doing well for her age!!), my sister will "drop it like it's hot".  she did it with her marriage (affair), she's doing it with her kids (my mom is basically their mother), and my mom, like you said, refuses to see it.  she'll certainly see "it" when she gets dropped, too.  i told my mother she would always have a place here with us, and i will stand by that, even with everything that's gone on.  for now, i know i need to concentrate on forgiveness, because forgetting this just ain't gonna happen.

    thank you everyone, from the depths of my heart.  you all have a unique understanding of what happens to a person when they experience emotional pain on top of the physical kind.  i appreciate you all letting me know that in your kinds words and personal stories.

     

    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
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