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Lifted the baby now my back hurts

2 weeks post op today, and long story short I had to pick up our 20(about 25lbs)month old because unsupportive wife...now my back hurts..do I need to call my doctor?
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  • 2 weeks post op today, and long story short I had to pick up our 20(about 25lbs)month old because unsupportive wife...now my back hurts..do I need to call my doctor? I can point to the exact spot where the pain is now originating. At my post op yesterday the dr said everything's going great, I'm healing fantastic, and more specific that I needn't worry about the hardware, because it's secure and I'm not gonna break it or anything, but is straining the bone and tissue around the hardware a worry that I should have? Or is this pain just from doing a movement I shouldn't have and is going to pass? Or should I just call my doctor?

  • You know the old saying, "It's better to be safe than sorry."  That's what your doctor is there for--to address any and all of your concerns about your back!! 
    Perhaps if your doctor were to give you a print out of exactly what your physical restrictions are, you would have it right there in black and white so that your wife would understand why you ARE NOT supposed to be engaging in certain activities??  I'm still on restrictions, and it's been over four months (fusion from L4-S1).  I seriously doubt "Go ahead and lift your 25lb kid" is on that list...
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
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  • brokendiverbrokendiver Posts: 33
    edited 04/27/2016 - 11:35 AM
    She knows exactly what I'm not supposed to be doing, and I'm going to call my dr regarding the pain. but at that moment i was asking her to take the baby down stairs so I could keep an eye on her so te wife could shower(which she had asked me to do). I asked her several times, she just stared at me...finally out of frustration I picked up the baby. Which she took from me after I picked her up...am I wrong in blaming my wife the pain I'm currently in?(which thanks to ice and my dear friend oxycodone is subsiding)
  • Oh my goodness....anyone who's in a relationship has at one time or another pushed their significant other's "hot" buttons!!  The difference for you and your situation is that you are recovering from spinal surgery, so perhaps your response (picking up the baby) to her lack of response to your repeated requests to pick up the baby is where the change might need to go down? 
    Challenging your physical boundaries in this way could turn out to be a real disaster for you if your frustration "wins out" over your common sense.  Let's think about this hypothetically for one moment.  What would've happened had you not picked up the baby, and just went downstairs?  Yeah, your wife probably would've been ticked off, but common sense (and a modicum of good parenting) would state that she would not have left the baby unattended upstairs while she showered, right?  You may have traded the physical pain you're in now for some heated words, but it seems to me like you've been down this road with each other before, and it would've blown over in time. 
    I do understand that it is hard not to react when your limits are being tested--I really, really do.  Please do not compromise your recovery over split-second, reactive, emotional decision-making.  You might put yourself back to square one with your recovery, or even worse, back on the operating table. 
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • Yeah, a little common sense and clear thinking on my part woulda saved me some pain, I wasn't thinking clearly though, I had literally just opened my eyes from my Valium induced sleep. I've been kicking myself all day over bone headedness
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  • We're human...and therefore prone to boneheaded behavior every so often.   I'd be one big bruise if I kicked myself for every boneheaded move I ever made LOL.   Go easy on yourself,  bud.   You're only a couple weeks in,  after all!!
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    I agree with Kimmy, above.
    And I'd like to add that it sounds somewhat abusive relationship..verbally and somewhat physical ..as you stated she took the baby out of your arms ...seemingly while still in anger.

    Everyones safety needs to be number one.
    Your baby needs to have consistent and constant, calming care...not literally in the middle of push pull with mommy and daddy.
    If that requires bringing mom back to the home to help out your wife...then that may help during your recovery and relationship crisis occurring at this time.

    Or to have someone else come to your home to help...or to hire child care.
    I don't know your financial situation, but you can't afford not to get your baby out of the middle of your chaos.

    Your health and recovery is also high priority. You can't risk the good work of surgery, your future spinal health.
    You went through a lot to get to surgery..recovery is just as hard of work.

    You asked if you're wrong in blaming your wife.
    It doesn't even matter at this stage. It seems priority for you to put a stop to the back and forth crazy making behaviors.

    You can still make decisions.

    Besides child care...maybe call a friend to help care for you and your post op needs around the house...
    a friend of yours, your friends wife for meals..or friends to drive to Doctor appointments, etc...
    since your wife seems unable to handle the extra pressure of the extra care and needs of the household.
    Maybe doctor and or hospital could recommend some help while at home...and drive to doctor appointments.

    After you are on the mend and more independent, you may want to go to counseling for you to learn how to manage with your wife's moods....and also, to be sure she is healthy..not post pardom depression..or other..
    Sadly, you all need assistance at the same time...but help is out there.
    Sue
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • There have been many red flags in regards to my wife and the likely hood she may be suffering(you could say I've been the one suffering from them though) from borderline personality as well as narcissistic personality disorder. I had been seeing a counselor(who suggested divorce a while ago actually, as it seemed to be the only way to stop the emotional/verbal/psychological abuse) to try and find ways to help me handle her. Let's just say that since the first surgery(and even before) things have been "bumpy", but the way things have been going I'd rather struggle to take care of myself than have her help, while she has her moments that are great, when she swings the other way it's hell. It's very taxing to have the person who is supposed to be helping you(not to mention your "soul mate") remind you hourly how hard it has been on them and how stressful it is for them etc, , as much as help is appreciated, I'd rather not have it than be reminded of it at every turn...Its a constant tight rope of when and what to say or do to try and maintain the good mood when she's in one, regardless of what I do the good always turns bad though. I've tried to get her to see a therapist many times, but have since given up and now just say as little as possible(it's like walking on eggshells all day everyday), which has actually been a successful tactic, since now(tomorrow actually) she is seeing a therapist(since she can't talk to me, she's gonna talk to someone(FINALLY). In any case my injuries and subsequent surgeries have very clearly shown that this marriage isn't going to last and as soon as I'm independent enough for us to do so we're divorcing. There's not enough space in this comment box to tell the whole story, but I have tried and tried to salvage our marriage(she'd say the opposite). To put it plainly my physical disability have shown her mental/emotional ones, and it's going to be better for everyone, including the little one for us not to be together. I know this isn't the forum for this, but talking(or typing) about it helps. I appreciate all the advice from everyone, and rest assured I'll be posting more updates on my recovery and progress. People say call your doctor with questions, but sometimes the answers you seek are from someone whose had the experience not performed the surgery. Oh, and as for the pain from lifting the baby, it has passed, and I'm right as rain now, It's just been told to me to NOT do that again(DUH lol) and keep an eye on my pain, and progress and make sure they keep going in the right direction. That..was a really long comment lol.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    It is very good to hear that you are okay and you did not injure yourself!

    Im very sorry for all you are going through.
    Many of us are aware of the difficulties of chronic pain putting a strain on....or ending..our relationships.
    Many of us have experienced the pain...and the disbelief ....of finding that a loved one is just not there when we need them.
    It can be overwhelming.

    Its good to hear your wife decided to see a therapist.
    No matter the future of your marriage, it seems good for all involved to be as healthy as possible...emotionally and physically.



    Sue
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • I, too, am sorry to hear that the support that you need is not the support you are getting.  That's a tough position to be in without the added issue of recovery.
    I mentioned in another post that I have had personal experience witnessing what can happen when you have someone in your life with Borderline Personality Disorder.  Good for you for seeking your own help in coping with the effects of this awful illness.  Did you read the book, Walking on Eggshells?  If you haven't, it's a pretty good read for people in your position.  Also, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me is another good book on the subject.
    I'm not going to get into the particulars of my experience with BPD, but I will say this.  Please make sure you have everything "in order" before you even mention divorce.  As ugly as it's gotten while you've been together, it's likely going to get much, much worse after you initiate divorce proceedings.  When you are making the BPD sufferer's worst fear (abandonment) come true, there is no telling what kind of things are going to be used against you--even fabricated against you (think false allegations of abuse to her OR your child!!)--to "punish" you for leaving.   There is no such thing as overprotecting yourself!! 
    I apologize if I sound like an alarmist.  I have seen so many lives destroyed by BPD that I just wanted to urge you to tread delicately and keep the divorce issue quiet.  It's not about dishonesty--it's about self-preservation and protecting your child. 
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
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