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Lifted the baby now my back hurts

2

Comments

  • brokendiverbrokendiver Posts: 33
    edited 05/10/2016 - 3:31 AM
    she is seeing a therapist, but I know the therapist isn't getting the actual version of how things are, and I suspect(I'm actual fairly positive) that their sessions talk about how me and my daughter(who went to live with bio-mom, part for her to be closer to family(I'm navy) and part to appease my wife) are the problem and not her judging from what she says about the sessions when she gets home, and her reaction when I suggested I see the same therapist. Things have bery much passed a point of no return. Nothing's filed but we're getting a divorce. She complains about how "I do nothing" as she has been, despite me only being 3 weeks post op. But yeah, it's very much over. She is challenging my love for my children, I have my 20mo girl a kiss goodnight(I was going to bed, I couldn't fight anymore) and she said "stop pretending to like her". I told her to shut her [edit]mouth, don't ever say I don't love my kids, pack her [edit]and get out of my house as soon as possible.
  • brokendiverbrokendiver Posts: 33
    edited 05/10/2016 - 4:34 AM


    she is seeing a therapist, but I know the therapist isn't getting the actual version of how things are, and I suspect(I'm actual fairly positive) that their sessions talk about how me and my daughter(who went to live with bio-mom, part for her to be closer to family(I'm navy) and part to appease my wife) are the problem and not her judging from what she says about the sessions when she gets home, and her reaction when I suggested I see the same therapist. Things have bery much passed a point of no return. Nothing's filed but we're getting a divorce. She complains about how "I do nothing" as she has been, despite me only being 3 weeks post op. But yeah, it's very much over. She is challenging my love for my children, I have my 20mo girl a kiss goodnight(I was going to bed, I couldn't fight anymore) and she said "stop pretending to like her". I told her to shut her [edit] mouth, don't ever say I don't love my kids, pack her [edit] and get out of my house as soon as possible.

    I have been reading walking on eggshells, I feeling she is a definetly a candidate for BPD, but even more so narcicistic personality disorder. Neither of which am I going to learn cope with to enjoy "the good days".
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  • Education can be very empowering when you are coping with the effects of someone else's mental illness.  I'm glad to know you are finding that book helpful. 

    So you're definitely getting a divorce.  I'm sorry.  Even though I understand that the "coping with the junk to enjoy the good days" isn't going to be the answer for you, it's still hard to go through the whole divorce process.  I hope you can find a good attorney who will help you to preserve every right you have as a father!!

    I can't imagine the toll this is taking on you.  Trying to recover from back surgery with all of this other emotionally-draining stuff being stacked on top of it can't be easy.  Take it easy on yourself, and I'm hoping that you can find some peace soon.
     
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • And what's still mind blowing is that her major complaint is that she "is doing everything herself, cleaning taking care of the baby..". I have to keep telling her I her I had a major surgery a few weeks ago that I'm still recovering from..yet she maintains that im
    the selfish one of you can believe it. luckily I think that her desire for divorce too is going to make it easy. As for the baby, she isn't a bad mom, and I'm an active duty navy diver, so primary residence of the baby maybe is best to be with her and she has stated no will to keep the baby from me in anyway. I think we'll be able to work this out with out lawyers between us. We'll have 50/50 custody but the primary residence of the baby at least for now is best with her.
  • Very sorry to hear that. I can empathise, I did the same thing through sheer forgetfulness and paid the price for it for a week. Thought I had caused major damage but it settled.

    As for what you are going through, it's a real tough one. I felt a bit emotional after surgery and reacted badly to small things. At the same time, I felt / feel like it is seen as an annoyance, and if I ask for something to be picked up etc. I tend to get "why can't you do it!". My SO also went on a week holiday with friends the week after my surgery, and I just felt a bit put out by it, especially when I have helped when the situation has been reversed.

    It is tricky for the other person in a relationship, but I do think it also tells you a lot about the other person when you see how they react to you when you aren't fully able anymore. There's a definite feeling that they are disappointed by all the things you can't do anymore. I don't know.
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  • Since my first surgery in February my wife made is very evident that she couldn't handle the house with out lashing out at me about it, so as soon as I was able(despite constant pain from the surgery being a failure and impending fusion coming in a few weeks) I did anything and everything to lighten the load, cooked, cleaned, said yes to every request to purchase anything and everything she wanted(we redecorated the entire house), we have two kids a 7yo(my daughter from a previous marriage, and our 20 mo) the 7 year old was a bit of a hand full with ADHD, and being prone to tantrums. But with my wife's struggle during my healing from the first surgery and the stress added from my 7 yo, I gave over to the idea of letting my 7yo go live with her mother. Well, since she's gone I've not been the same. I'm a mess. I cry all the time. I miss her like I've never felt anything before. I think my wife was expecting us to have a honeymoon stage with one less child in the house. But I've just fallen apart, my marriage is all but over, and my wife continues her assault that I'm selfish and a shit father and don't do anything(I'm about a month post op). I can't help but pine for my daughter. My wife says she's better off and I'm a this and a that. But I can't help it. My daughter being gone, combined with the depression of being sedintary from surgery has left me a mess. I'd give anything to have her back in the house, tantrums and all. I've been sleeping in her room since my discharge, and often cry. My wife says I never did anything with her while she was here, and I didn't "parent her" because I liked to do things for her despite her being deserving of not. She doesn't understand. I'm actually willing to let her leave with our 20mo, though missing the baby will also hurt, the prospect of having my 7 yo back and it being just the 2 of us sounds amazing and refreshing. I'm so torn. I don't know where I'm going with this rant. I miss my child. I get scolded by my wife for talking to her multiple times a day, but I seemingly neglect my wife and child that our actually here with me. I could just lay in bed all day and look at pictures of my daughter and cry because I won't be picking her up from school. My life seems to be crumbling and I almost welcome the solitude of my wife and other child leaving. It's almost as though if I can't have them all my heart won't let me fight to keep whose still here with me. That I'd rather them all just leave me alone. I'm seeing a counselor Thursday. My wife had suggested that I let my oldest go to bio moms family many times prior to either surgeries and I'd sworn that I'd never let her go. But in the end I did.. Now the guilt of not having her to tuck in and kiss at night has put such a hole in me that I don't know that it will ever be filled. I am lost.
  • The sedentary nature of being post-op makes you feel very isolated, vulnerable and emotional. These are normal feelings and you should be compassionate with yourself. You are not in an easy situation. Being sedentary also means that you spend a lot of time thinking and over analysing things. When I get like that, I try mindfulness and meditation. It really helps for me, and I suffered from anxiety and depression for a long time. It won't solve your problems, but it can calm and ease the emotional stress. Good luck and I hope things improve soon.
  • Mindfulness and meditation aren't really tools in my box. I'm a navy deep sea diver. I've prided my self on my ability to preserveir and over come challenges. Most that came were physical or fear based. Mind over matter-if I didn't mind it didn't matter.  Having myself stripped of the things that made who I was is very damaging. I have coping mechanisms for being sedentary, I can literally watch Sci fi, and action movies from sun up til sun down, and watch the same movies with out getting bored. I've tried to explain to my wife that I just need to be able to do what I need to do til I start physical therapy, and start working out and get back to work, but she won't. She knows these things will help me cope, but because she doesn't like them, and because she thinks I need to look at the baby all day she turns it into a "you don't care about us and we're leaving" situation.. It's really pushed me into a corner where I don't want her to leave, but at the same time if she did, I could just do what need to do til I can get back to business as usual. I gave up my daughter to make things easier on us(I say "us", but I really mean my wife. Which now with nothing to do but think and dwell on her absence it makes it all that much worse. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm not myself, but it feels like it's because she's trying to make me be what I'm not.
  • I know it's probably not much comfort to you right now,  but it's very evident from your actions that you have your daughter's best interests at heart!   
    Sometimes as parents,  we have to make gut wrenching choices about what is best for our children,  regardless of how much anguish we know we will feel because of it.  The decision to have your child move in with her bio mom took some real soul searching,  but from what you have said about the environment with your current wife combined with your job/current physical limitations,  providing her with a stable and less conflict-ridden atmosphere will NO DOUBT do more for her in the long run than you may ever come to realize! I say this from the personal perspective of being a birthmother that I can understand your deep sense of loss and feeling lost,  but she WILL be the better for it.   So will you,  but it will take time, patience,  and gentleness with yourself for you to come to that place deep within your heart where you KNOW you made the right choice for all the right reasons. She is still going to be"daddy's girl"always, even if she isn't under the same roof as of right now.   Keep on doing what you can to recover well,  see and talk to your daughter as much as possible,  and keep in mind that you're doing the best you can! 
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • It's just so hard. I slept in bed with her the last night she stayed here, and she told me "I don't know if I want to move", and it broke my heart. She had moved with her family (us) before, but she was moving all by herself now and it was this big unknown, yeah she was going to live with her mom, but she hadn't lived with or seen her mom in person since she was about to be 5(she's about 7 1/2 now), and watching her get into her grandfathers car and drive away, it's like a peice of me went with her, then with the surgeries even more of me. After the first operation she would always come and hug me before and after school(I was stuck in a recliner for a few weeks). We had our moments, like I said she was a handful, and my wife says now I want her because I don't think about the hard times with her while she was here and basically makes me feel like I was a terrible father(and tells me I was and am). I see her on FaceTime everyday and she looks happy and laughs and is her bouncy self it seems, so I guess she's doing well there, but I have this hole still. Her little sister calls her name up the stairs(all the time)like she thinks she's here and I have to tell her sissy isn't there. We go for walks and I see her friends playing, or for a half a second I think one of them is her. I know she's just a few hours away, but it feels like a world away, and that I'm never going to hug her again, and my chest is filled with regret, that I could've done more for her, been a better father, held her more, just been more. I feel guilty because I feel like I pushed her away sometimes or did things differently because I was trying to keep my wife happy. I did what my wife was telling me to do instead of what my instinct told me to do, because happy wife happy life right? Now I'm stuck with this mangled mess of a back, my wife hates me, and the only person who loved me unconditionally, that wanted a hug and kiss at the end of every day no matter what I sent away. Now I play the tip toe game or the fight all day for days game, with no hug, no kiss ever, much less good night. My wife always insisted that there was something wrong with her. That she wasn't just a rambunctious kid, which some of her behavior I agreed with. im going to let her finish this school
    year with her mom, spend part of the summer there, but when I go to get her I'm keeping her. She belongs with me. If my wife doesn't like it, she can leave(she has said our marriage can't handle her, yet she married me when I was a single dad?) I haven't signed any papers. she's is technically on an extended visit. I'm willing to change custody orders, but she needs to live with me. Or am I just being selfish? My wife says we needed her to go so we could fix our marriage, she was here before we were married. If our marriage won't work with my child, then is it going to work at all? I'm rambling now.
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