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Lifted the baby now my back hurts



  • Mindfulness and meditation aren't really tools in my box. I'm a navy deep sea diver. I've prided my self on my ability to preserveir and over come challenges. Most that came were physical or fear based. Mind over matter-if I didn't mind it didn't matter.  Having myself stripped of the things that made who I was is very damaging. I have coping mechanisms for being sedentary, I can literally watch Sci fi, and action movies from sun up til sun down, and watch the same movies with out getting bored. I've tried to explain to my wife that I just need to be able to do what I need to do til I start physical therapy, and start working out and get back to work, but she won't. She knows these things will help me cope, but because she doesn't like them, and because she thinks I need to look at the baby all day she turns it into a "you don't care about us and we're leaving" situation.. It's really pushed me into a corner where I don't want her to leave, but at the same time if she did, I could just do what need to do til I can get back to business as usual. I gave up my daughter to make things easier on us(I say "us", but I really mean my wife. Which now with nothing to do but think and dwell on her absence it makes it all that much worse. I just don't know what to do. I know I'm not myself, but it feels like it's because she's trying to make me be what I'm not.

    I know where you are coming from, I have similar background, and a lot of people think they can brush past mental health issues, but they can be very real and damaging even for the strongest of people. I only took up mindfulness precisely because of increasing emotional problems, and did it through a book initially. It sounds like you enjoy solving problems and challenges, and when your world narrows with an injury like this, that can turn into a hugely exhausting mental process where your brain thinks about situations, analyses, thinks again and overanalyses until you can't think straight anymore. Remember that your thoughts are not you, they are your brain trying to make sense of everything in the only way it knows how. It sounds to me like you need some time and peace to be able to see the situation clearly enough to know what step you need to take next.
  • Unfortunately peace for me was in middle of 4-5 miles, or pulling 425lbs off the floor, feeling the pulse of all my blood rushing into muscle from my feet to my face, the scream leave my lungs to push me just that much further to lift it just that much higher to full extension , to run just that much farther..finding the energy to finish the last 1/4 mile of that last mile that's all up hill. Music screaming in my ears so loud it's probably doing damage...or the exact opposite..walking on the bottom of the ocean with nothing but bubbles of your exhale as you slowly dance across the bottom. Those places, those times are where I'm at most peaceful. Now I don't have them, and may never again. When I couldn't get by a problem I just "lifted" it so to speak..I was told I'm like a whole different  person in those places. But at home a teddy bear. Now I can't be one with out the other.
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