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Symptom relief, depression rebound

I'm sure I'm not the only one who experiences this but I seem to be more depressed now that I've had some symptom relief. For example, the other day, I felt really good. The best I've felt in over 2 years.I think it lasted for about 36 hours. But then once my symptoms came back, I became more depressed, I think because I got a taste of what my life was like without this horrifying spinal/spinal cord issue. I observe other people going about their lives, making plans for the future and my life is on hold until I heal, assuming that I eventually heal. I'm getting impatient. I'm tired of wondering if this will be as good as it gets, a few good days here and there but still generally debilitated. It's harder and harder to be happy for other people. I'm tired of my contrived optimism, constantly telling myself that other people out there are suffering more than me. And there are. But most people seem to at last know WHY they are suffering, something I lacked for 2 years until a few weeks ago, when I finally received a diagnosis. The symptoms were too systemic and downright scary to face day after day, especially without knowing why. Especially without a way to relieve or treat it. It was cruel. I am utterly changed because of this. I'm sure that if I move through this and heal I'll have something beneficial to share with the world about my experience. But right now, still being in it, I feel lousy on every level of being. Depression is a black hole that swallows all of my hope. That said, I'm still very much curious about life and the world and this horrifying experience has given me something to push against. ((Sigh)) just sharing my thoughts, in case anyone else can relate....
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1

Comments

  • Ellen625EEllen625 New Jersey, USPosts: 757
    edited 06/29/2016 - 2:05 AM
    Marie,
    I can totally relate. I was ok for a day or 2 after surgery but then the water works came on. You would have thought the world was coming to an end. I cried for 3 straight days. I called the doctor and see decided to stop the valium. that helped some. I still get depressed for no reason but seem to be improving. Check your meds too. The combination might be bad for you.
    Best wishes and lots of hugs!
  • Thanks so much for the kind thoughts, Ellen and for taking the time to respond. Good advice about the meds, Im actually not taking anything more than NSAIDs rights now. I had a real scare with Gabapentin, it really messed with my brain chemicals. Depression like I've never felt. It didn't help much anyway. So I decided to stop taking prescription meds for that reason and the fact that we really didn't even know what we were treating. Glad I stopped. I suffer in pain/discomfort either way : / I had a couple of good cries the last few days. Hopefully that helps all of these feelings and frustrations move through. Sending positive thoughts to you!!!
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  • Ellen625EEllen625 New Jersey, USPosts: 757
    Thanks, you too! I am hoping that the weather will improve enough to spend some time outside. That always makes me happy!
  • Ellen625EEllen625 New Jersey, USPosts: 757
    Hi Marie
    Just a thought. I am starting to feel that the more I  do physically, the better I feel mentally. Hope you are feeling better!
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    Hi Marie....
    Depression often accompanies chronic pain...but not to be accepted as normal.
    Please let your doctor know how you are feeling, along with your other symptoms.

    Two years is a long time for you to be in pain.

    With my chronic pain, I referred myself to psychiatric help. It doesn't have to be a forever thing, but to help with transitioning with life with the pain or in my case accepting the pain to be chronic..with treatments taking the edge off, but pain remains ever present.

    Often times some antidepressants are used for pain relief also, so..win-win.
    I did some talk therapy and when I found therapist who specialized in depression with chronic pain...my world spun around into the light and has remain there!

    Although I have stopped the talk therapy, but still use tools I came away with....I still choose to continue to see psychiatrist for medication management. I feel stable and I feel able to handle what comes my way.

    For me it was a good decision.



    Sue
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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  • Ellen625EEllen625 New Jersey, USPosts: 757
    Hi Marie,
    Doing any better? I still have my moments but improving every day. Hope you are doing better!
  • Hi Savage, thank you so much for responding. In general, I agree that there are times that antidepressants are warranted, at least temporarily in order to gain mental stability and clarity as well as the ability to function. I actually have a family history of depression and I'd experienced a bout of depression about 9 years ago or so. (Before any injuries) I took it upon mysel to try an antidepressant just to get through a particularly difficult time. My body doesn't respond well to ANY medications and the antidepressants caused severe symptoms thst I never adjusted to. I had to stop it. Last summer, I took Neurontin (aka Gabapentin) for migraines/pain and it caused severe mood changes/suicidal thoughts. Within a couple of days of stopping it, I felt 'normal' again. Since my injury, I deal with depression on and off but usually it's transient. Like I feel bad for myself once a day and I cry and then get on with things. The difference between how I feel now and how I felt 9 years ago is that I WANT to get out of bed, live my life  and do things. I'm very frustrated but also feel very motivated. I know myself enough to know that this version of depression I feel can be managed and I am to an extent able to choose to be 'happy' or at least ok. If I feel I can no longer manage it or it gets worse, I'll seek help. Talk therapy would be great actually, regardless, just someone to listen without overburdening family/friends but I can't afford it. My health coverage doesn't even cover my chiropractic care. 
  • Hi Ellen,
    thanks so much for checking in!! : ) I'm doing better in general. The weather has been beautiful and my husband is home more.  I feel more positive. My depression is transient, so it seems. No chronic or clinical. I think I just have to let myself feel bad a little every day, cry or whatever-- and then I'm ok, I move on. In the past I'd deal with depression or emotional stuff through exercise--yoga, running, walking etc...and  Meditation, breath work, mindfulness.... Most of those things are off limits to me due to my spine. Yoga is completely a no-go. Even basic poses make me dizzy ; ( I lost my desire to meditate because breathing into pain/discomfort became kind of masochistic after a while.  I will check in with how I'm feel and do a body scan and notice it but  I find 'distraction' is much more beneficial to me right now. Breath work can be great but sometimes it even hurts to breathe. (I had costochondritis last year and still feel it from time to time) all of my favorite coping strategies were taken  away from me it was very very hard to deal with. (I was, actually, a former yoga instructor.) waking is *usually* ok but even that can aggravate me sometimes. I found new ways to cope. I.e. Recommitting to regular journaling. I taught myself to play the guitar. Even Netflix lol! I don't put pressure on myself to be 'productive' anymore and that helps quite a bit. I'm exploring what gives my life meaning beyond the things that I thought gave my life meaning. I feel pretty solid the last couple of days ; ) I do have a fear that I may have something underlying that made me predisposed to these injuries, like Ehlers-Danslos or something but time will tell. Right now I just need to focus on fixing my spine before I go in the searching for a further explanation of what I'm feeling. One thing at a time....otherwise the deoression and overwhelm set back in. I'm so glad to hear that you are doing better and hope you continue to do well!!!! : ) 
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    Hi Marie!
    It so good you have learned to be so self aware. I think that is huge!
    I may have missed it .....but..did you have any kind of surgery?
    Or you have undiagnosised pain for over two years?

    Curious what kind of doctor are you working with? Pain management?
    Would you feel comfortable to say what kind of treatments you have had for pain relief? ..and if anything effective?

    I have never been a candidate for surgery and it took couple years for my primary doctor to realize I needed more help and she referred me to pain management. That was good for me.
    PM took edge off pain and has kept me out of the ER. That huge for me!

    It seems with your system you need to be careful with medications and their effects. That can be exhausting!

    Sue
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • Ellen625EEllen625 New Jersey, USPosts: 757
    Hi Marie
    Glad you seem to be feeling better. I've  gone a whole day without crying for no reason! Woohoo! It comes and goes but I feel better each day. Hope you do too!
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