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AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:21 AM in Depression and Coping
Hey folks,

Surgery number 1 - A failed laminectomy 15 yrs ago, Kindly left a part of the disc there that slipped to the spinal column and caused major problems.
Number 2 - 10 mths later - Successful removal of remnants left.
Major problems with adhesions and nerve damage caused by botched up surgery's. Went on extended Pain Management courses whilst having Claudia Block epidurals monthly whilst waiting for number 3 due to snapping off a part of the calcified adhesion.
Number 3 - Successful removal of parts 10 yrs ago.

More problems due to nerve damage, evolved into DDD.
Has progressively got worse, spending more and more time bed-ridden.
Have been in bed for over 5 mths now, awaiting ramp but during the last month the spasm and cramps I am having I cant cope with them any longer.
I am a strong willed person who does not like taking medication and have found relaxation and breathing exercises worked best for pain. However even Morphine doe not help severe spasm. Only countless Diazapam eventually relax it.
Ive tried and done everything and Im at rock bottom.
I cant be not mentally on top of this as with a defeated attitude - you surely will give up.
I have to think of something positive when I wake up every morning.
In the last 3-4 weeks the spasm has became unbearable and I find myself in unknown territory.
I cant do this anymore, I have no fight left and cannot mentally cope.
The only thing that stops me from giving up is I cannot have my 15 yr old daughter find me.
Even thinking along these lines makes me feel worse.
I cannot beleive that Its not even leaving her mother less but rather messing up her life forever by finding me.

Again unknown territory - I dont know what to do.

xx Husky xx


  • You have had your pain for a long time and we are not designed for this duration and endure of pain, you have done well taking limited medication where the common trend may be have to have taken more and acknowledge the effort required on a daily basis to continue to strive and endure.

    You are right to acknowledge the wider implication and this for us all is a grounding level, we all have high expectation of ourselves and work hard to achieve them. Your strategy up to now has been effective for you and we should feel no guilt in accepting and embracing change, I have three children and they need me, whatever my inner thoughts.

    We are not automatons and cannot perform as such, each period is highlighted be new and refreshing ideas and the older ones become less effective, that in itself is progress. You had done well to ascertain your own need at that time to review and evaluate, that don’t know what to do is why we are here and why we support each other, we have had the same thoughts you are having and collectively worked through them, this is not a platitude and takes hard work and determination you have proven history that you can do both and all that feeling are inherent within managing pain better.

    Nobody here likes taking medication and it is not a career move for the benefit of you all a more effective plan for you specifically would help and through trial and error and some pain we continue to try and work through this. It does at times take all your effort, at our residential PM one chap had been bedridden for some time and he was helped to help himself over time with care support and consideration.

    You are needed by others and we wish you well in that role for the near future ,identifying that you need help is the first stage and you positive tenacity vital in achieving this.

    Take care and be kind to yourself and others.


  • :) i see this is your first post and i wanted to welcome you to the forum! we are here to offer you support and answer what questions we can. to be so low is truly heartbreaking. if nothing else i hope you can draw some comfort from being around others who suffer as you do. if nothing else this pain is the common denominator between us all. you may be in a vicious cycle of not moving and then having the body just freeze up. why aren't you doing some type of pt? i know that may not be what you want to hear. i am bed-ridden part of each day as well but still manage some stretching and walking. i hope your situation turns around soon and your pain levels start to go down. good luck! Jenny :)
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  • Thank you so much for your kind word of encouragement.

    My failed 3 op's have left me in constant pain but I honestly can say I have never, ever been that down in my life,
    I have 3 beautiful children whom I love dearly, 2 amazing grandsons who Id gladly give my life for.

    Believe it or not I am not the type of person who works well with the softly softly approach, I much prefer the
    "Get off your ass and fight" so much more useful.
    Ive fought this for over 15 yrs now, and you are correct its not easy. But life doesnt come with a manual does it? That would make it too boring.

    Had a major break through this afternoon, my Physio visited and got screamed into leaving me to wallow in my depression, my OT called and got told "Dont call me I'll call you. To top it off I had some Locum GP as my own GP was busy, he told me I was taking too much diazapam,
    Trigger point I guess as I LOST IT!!
    Told him lots of things that he probably was not and I most definetly should not have which ended up with me telling him to F off and hanging up,

    Cry me a river? understatement! Cry me an Atlantic was more like it, All cried out.
    Screamed at everything and anyone who even attempted to look my direction - And I honestly swear that is so not me... Well the good news was I did call back after the sea parted and I could communicate again, and apologised saying that I was in severe pain but it was totally uncalled for (made matters worse by apologising back to me)

    Then the dreaded inevitable call from my own GP who's a legend and tolerates a lot from me and I guess Ive taught him a thing or two or three about neurology cr@p.

    I ended up breaking down again and telling him exactly what I told a complete bunch of strangers on a forum as a way of an introduction... Christ it's not easy being me!!

    That in itself was a major break through for me, We are going to have a chat on Monday as I wasnt ready to see him today, I apologised for probably scaring his poor new locum - Landed myself right in as he didnt know ,,,,lol
    That'll teach me.
    Im considering going back for a top up with the pain management physcology course. Maybe forgot something (I Hope so anyways) Its going downhill so fast now that I know that something drastic will have to happen - but there is a bright side -
    Its not today and hey I may win the lottery tomorrow.

    Ive noticed how youve all mentioned your medical diagnosis. How come they havent given me one? Probably a sueable condition. pmsl

    I know it will sound crazy but by just typing out how I felt helped me, knew no-one was listening but at least I said - I cant cope anymore. Well maybe I can for a little longer huh,

    Thank you so very much for tolerating my moment of madness

    xx Husky xx
  • :) well then just type away if that seems to clear the brain fog. i see you gave it hell harry to just about everyone in your path. but did that get you up and moving any? you don't say and it seems you are avoiding that issue. everyone wants you up and about and until you decide you want that to you may be in bed another 5 months! so come around and see the light. noone wants to argue and fight and you seem to be a wildcat right now. calm down and come to turns with your condition. acceptance is key to any recovery. good luck my feisty friend! Jenny :)
  • Thanks for your message Jenny,

    Your right I think when we are in serious pain, we lash out at who is closest, that tends to be family.

    Ive had 3 op's now and Ive was told 10 yrs ago - your going in a chair. I fought it girlfriend,but its now time to rest up with the fighting as its going nowhere anylonger, i know this theres always some idiot asking "What are you doing in a wheelchair" grrrr

    I do fight, every day is a fight but thank jesus Im fighting because when i posted that id given up, i just wanted to explain how i felt beforehand, I know i didnt say such but that was it rock bottom. Theres only one route after that, top yourself or pick yourself up and go for round 199.
    Thank god I gathered the strength to fight again as I honestly didnt think I would.

    Im really needing avisit to the neuro ward, the sight of babies in pain such as ours, with disabilities worse than we can imagine has such a humbling effect, I leave feeling positively healthy, Believe it or not I give help to others on other forums, but I cant talk to them can I?

    Thankyou hun as your post meant a lot.

    take care

    Love from Bonnie Scotland xx
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  • I'm glad you got your fight back. You sound like quite an interesting and educated man who has just had ENOUGH. To think that you've been in such pain for 15 years is out of this world. I've only had a year and a half of it and I know I was pretty much ready to give up even after my last surgery in June before I started recovering. I remember telling my husband and the nurses that I just couldnt do it anymore.
    Dont let yourself ever get down to that level where you were when you wrote your first post again. Come in here and vent again to your hearts content. There's always someone here that'll be happy to listen or talk to you. When I got that low I thought of how much my mother would still like to be alive today and how hard she fought until cancer took her life when she was 54. I couldnt throw my life away no matter how bad I thought it was when she fought so hard to keep hers.
    You're right, when you see others suffering who can't do anything to help themselves it humbles you.
    I hope you find something in the near furture that impacts your life in a positive way.

    God Bless,
    Christina :)
  • :) hi Bonnie, you post touched my heart with the talk of the babies. perhaps alot of them will get well and not even remember being ill. we can pray that is true! you sound so lifted up my friend. it is funny how day can turn into night and we can fight once more. i have had chronic pain since i was 10 and really know of no other way. but i am so tired, especially right now. it seems i am in a long detour out of life. i prefer the company of my family and my online friends to going out into the world much anymore. now i have told you things i don't normally tell. this is between you and i! :$ lol! please keep strong and if not, i am still with you all the way anyway. even in moments of doubt, you to can be lifted! Jenny :)
  • Thank you Lulu,

    I hope to god I dont visit Deepest Depression Street ever again. It's been the lowest Ive ever been. But my babies are my life and Id never do anything to hurt them anymore than I have already.
    I dont think people realise just how much it affects your kids too. My daughter who is 15 yrs old tends to almost all of my needs and thats a guilt trip on its own.
    Thank you for your kind words, I will keep visiting here, as I said I give advice on Child Protection and Legal issues and that kind of helps keep my mind occupied because I truly beleive that it is mind over matter and If you give in mentally as I had - your knackered.
    Oh yes and Im a mother not a father.

    Keep the faith hun, the darkness will stop as surely as it started.

    Love :H
  • Ive got another wee problem.
    Im having pains from my shoulders down, my fingers especially, can hardly clench them anymore. Ive had weird feeling of there should be huge bruises on different parts of my arms, but no bruises, just pain, and "pins and needles" feelings in patches for some considerable time.
    Main pain is in my fingers and knuckles, they feel so badly swollen yet my rings sre ok, still the same size, just feel swollen. Am having spasm midway down my back too, just doesnt hurt that bad, funny how your pain tolerance grows huh?

    We in the UK have huge waiting lists to see a neurosurgeon, and my GP is sending my back to see him as he thinks its coming from a disc at the very top of my neck as I have had problems there recently. Then the dreaded MRI..

    Any ideas?
    Its getting to the stage where I cant ardly wait to see what delights hold in store again for me.

    Many thanks

    xx Husky xx
  • that's thoracic outlet syndrome get it checked out my friend
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