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My dad/Family doesn't understand, and it is making me sad.

ButterflyPainBButterflyPain Posts: 290
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Depression and Coping
I have depression and anxiety from my cervical spine problems. I thought I had it handle with the meds, but lately since the pain has been worse, I dont feel so ready to go out and conquer the world sorta speak.
I'm 26 and trying to finish up college. Right now I have insurance through my school , and my dad flips out if I have to miss a day of school. Monday was my first time missing since the semester started a month ago. He flipped out, called me lazy, thinks whoever told me I have a herniated disc is wrong, and a bunch of other things. He's like they said they couldn't find anything, which isn't true. (Below is a list of my neuro's findings). I understand his position, but he seems to want to deny my problems due to money issues. It wasn't too long ago where school was super hard and I missed a ton of it that semester, but stayed in for insurance.

Basically we've all been dealing with this for almost a year, the last 9 months have been really hard.

My dad is pretty dramatic about a lot of things lately...And all I want is support and understanding. This isn't something I asked for, and I would much rather be at school enjoying myself, than being at home with a really bad headache and neck pain.

Has anyone else have had family members or friends who couldn't comprehend your pain , and just brush it off like "You are too sensitive" "You are over exaggerating" etc? And how did you deal with this?

It doesn't feel good knowing my family is fustrated, and it doesn't make me feel any better, about what I am already feeling bad about not being able just to do...

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Comments

  • I don't think that people who haven't experienced it can understand. Would your family be open to reading this? It helped a couple people that I know understand a little better.

    http://www.spine-health.com/forum/matters-heart/how-do-you-explain
  • snookie said:
    I don't think that people who haven't experienced it can understand. Would your family be open to reading this? It helped a couple people that I know understand a little better.

    http://www.spine-health.com/forum/matters-heart/how-do-you-explain

    Thank you for that. The letter to normals made me cry, because even though my pain isn't as bad as others, it described it in away that I feel. I have copied it, and will share it at the appropriate time with my family.
    Thank you.
  • I'm sorry to hear about your family situation and can relate, like so many of us here.

    What I finally did was to include my husband in my doctor appointments. When I went to the PM doc for the first time he got a huge eye opener. The doc knew who I was because my neurologist showed him my MRI and he shook my hand and told me that he was so sorry that my cervical spine was so bad. He told my husband that he told my neuro that I would be in pain for the rest of my life. I don't think that my hubby knew until that moment that surgery wasn't the "fix" that he thought it was going to be. His attitude changed dramatically after that.

    Family can often be in denial, simply out of love and not wanting to see us hurting. Perhaps if you take your Dad along on an appointment you can show him that your pain is real and not something that you're "making up".

    Good luck to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, if you need to talk, whatever. It's hard enough to be hurting, never mind doing it alone.

    Griff

  • Hiya >:D<
    Check out my thread on family and understanding :? , it may be of some help to you. #:S



    Angie x
  • griff said:
    I'm sorry to hear about your family situation and can relate, like so many of us here.

    What I finally did was to include my husband in my doctor appointments. When I went to the PM doc for the first time he got a huge eye opener. The doc knew who I was because my neurologist showed him my MRI and he shook my hand and told me that he was so sorry that my cervical spine was so bad. He told my husband that he told my neuro that I would be in pain for the rest of my life. I don't think that my hubby knew until that moment that surgery wasn't the "fix" that he thought it was going to be. His attitude changed dramatically after that.

    Family can often be in denial, simply out of love and not wanting to see us hurting. Perhaps if you take your Dad along on an appointment you can show him that your pain is real and not something that you're "making up".

    Good luck to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, if you need to talk, whatever. It's hard enough to be hurting, never mind doing it alone.

    Griff

    Aww you're so sweet. Yeah, I do think he is in denial...He has been on several appointments, but not on the last two when he said what my mri stuff was. My mom was there, but she just doesn't think it's a big deal, so she just tells my dad yeah they didn't find anything wrong. I just think because you can't see it or it isn't a terminal disease , to them it isn't something to complain about. I don't know, I can't help how I react and how it feels. I mean I'm not on these meds because the docs think I'm fine or without pain.


  • Hey Butterfly, it's perfectly normal for 'normals' (I REALLY like that term, makes me feel even MORE special than I already am!) to shrug off unexperienced pain and put it down to lazyness on the part of the person who is in pain.

    It's called denial. I'm going to go out on a limb here (i've got a great imagination so here's the 'stretch') and suggest that if it's a family member who is in pain (like a son or daughter) than a reasonable 'possibility' on the part of a parents point of view/attitude 'could be' a sense of 'loss of pride'.

    Let me try to clarify that - maybe the parent is so prideful that they just can't believe that a child of theirs could possibly be in that kind of pain (or a drug addict or alcoholic or [insert your choice of bad situational behavior]).

    As I said, it's a stretch of my imagination and is not meant as any kind of insult, just a thought.

    When I was in my first whiplash car accident my father-in-law told me to my face (we were at his house at the time visiting) that he thought i was faking and that it was all in my mind. Well, i didn't beat the crap outta him as was my first inclination, I just got up, grabbed my wife (well, not 'grabbed' as such..;>) and walked out.

    He eventually realized I did have a real problem 'after' my various operation(s) (I showed him didn't I?) and we've had a great relationship for many years.

    I think you should have both your parents come here and post their concerns. I'm sure they'll get as many good responses as bad (more good hopefully) from their questions. At least i hope they'll get more understanding than what they have seemed to give you.

    Other than that, maybe you should just get in his face and start yelling that your the victim and to stop being treated like a criminal...? You don't have to be a 'stereotypical' old man/woman to have a bad back.

    Good luck,
    -Jim
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