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sad & worthless

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Depression and Coping
Hi...I really never thought I'd be back on this forum. I had my 2 level ALIF surgery in March 2007. Although the recovery was horrific, I survived and was able to return back to "normal". Went back to work as a CNA, LOVED my job but 4 months later was injured at a patient's house. He was stepping into the shower and slipped and I caught him. Instantly felt a burning pain in my back. After a CT Scan, found out the disc under my fusion is bulging. I have severe sciatica pain down my leg to my toes. The back pain is intense. I've had SI Injections and Facet Joint Injections...nothing is helping.

I am so sad. I have 2 boys ages 14 and 11. It is a struggle to take care of their needs. I can barely drive them to school w/o crying from pain. I try to hide it but it is hard. Standing or sitting hurts which makes it hard to enjoy their hockey games. And I can't be drugged up like I need to be cuz I am driving. As for my husband, well I'm surprised he hasn't left me. I am always in pain and sad which has come between us. I think they would all have a better life without me around. I think they would be better off mourning me because they could get over it. Life would go on. But this is just dragging on. I am in bed as much as I can be...who needs a mom like that? And when I'm not in bed I am drugged up to the point I forget what I ask them and repeat myself alot. Everytime I take a pain pill I think about taking all of them. I think then how nice it would be not to be in pain all the time. How nice it would be to not be dragging everyone else down with me. How nice it would be not to be ruining their lives.

Can anyone else relate? =((
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Comments

  • I can certainly relate. I have no children so that part I commend you for doing the best you can. Sometimes chronic illness brings on depression which is a chemical imbalance and you may need an antidepressant but you'd have to go to your Doctor to see if that's what you need. I had many thoughts of that especially since i have no children to leave and wonder what keeps me going. Being isolated can also bring on feelings of sadness and I'm glad you're here to share with us. I don't even socialize because I don't want my family to see me in pain. Sometimes just seeing the small things in life bring us joy. Watching the sun set, thinking of your kids and taking an interest in their lives but even watching an old movie, a lovely bath. Take it one day at a time okay? Positive affirmations can help you see the real you and not just that you're a sick wife or Mother. Wishing you healing thoughts. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I think most of us can relate and have at one time or another felt just like you do. Have you talked to your doctor about options for the bulging disc? Another surgery? Or a 2nd opinion? After 2 fusions in 6 months I was pretty down on life also. As I got off the nasty painkillers I sent most of them to a friend, so I wouldn't be tempted. I have sought counseling and that has helped. I have been on and off of lexapro. You sound very brave to me for even attempting to watch your kids hockey games. Talk to your family. I know they need you.

    Jani

    14 surgeries including L4/5 laminectomy, L4/L5 fusion (360), L1-L5 fusion and awaiting results of MRI and CT scan for L5/S1 problems.
    L4/L5 laminectomy, L4/L5 360 fusion with instrumentation, L1 to L5 fusion, L5/S1 fusion w/ disc replacement, left and right SI joints fused.
  • It is so good to see you post again, but so sorry you are feeling so down. My former user name was CindyS, but after my last surgery I decided I needed a new name to go with my new neck.

    I'm so sorry you are sad, but please don't feel worthless. You mentioned that it would be easier for them to mourn and then move on. Children never get over the death of a parent, so please just keep doing what you can do and be there for your kids. I completely understand your frustrations and feelings. It is hard when life changes so drastically and our kids no longer have the kind of mom they once had. But at least they still have a mom. You may not be able to do all the things you want to with them, but I'd encourage you to make a list of things you can do. This should help you to see that you are still an important part of their lives. Here is the beginning of a list.

    1. Tell them you love them.
    2. Eat meals together, even if you don't cook them.
    3. Play a board game with them.
    4. Read to them.
    5. Mate their socks.
    6. Tell them you love them.
    7. Help them with their homework.
    8. Talk to them about their friends.
    9. Go to their hockey games
    10. Remind them to brush their teeth.
    11. Tell them you love them.
    12. Play the remember when game and tell stories of when they were babies.
    13. Teach them moral values
    14. Make them have a bath.
    15. Go for a short walk with them.
    16. Tell them you love them.
    17. Give them encouragement.
    18. Make their favorite dessert on one of your good days
    19. Ask them about their day.
    20. Help them understand girls
    and did I say
    21. Tell them you love them.

    Children need their mothers, and they love you. Yes, their lives have changed because of your back problems. But they are also learning a lot of important qualities watching you go through the pain you have. They are learning compassion, patience, responsibility, and many other things. My oldest daughter once told me that she used to resent that I was sick (not from spine issues, but from previous pancreas issues). She felt like being the oldest she had to take on the role of mother. But she now feels that those experiences made her a stronger person, and she is thankful for all the things she learned to do during that period of time. Just try to still let them be normal kids as much as possible, but talk to them and let them know how you are feeling.

    Please know that you are a very worthwhile person. no more of this feeling worthless, or I may have to come find you and show you just how wonderful you are!

    Cindy
    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • well look who came back :X :X

    i also had to have surgery again hun. i did not fuse.
    i really cannot put anymore then what the others did and especially cindy ;)

    look at my signature at the bottom.
    am i still here :/ :/ :/
    YES or i of course would not be writing this ;)

    we are dished out hunny what we are able to handle. what happened at work was unavoidable. you did what anyone would have done.

    iv been sick since 02. it bothered hub for awhile in the beginning but realized it was not my fault. it was no ones.
    its just things that happen to us in life.
    is it hard to deal with on a daily basis?? YES MY LORD why wouldn't it be.

    im in bed most of the time to. so yeah i don't feel like a mom either.
    dad plays mom/wife/housekeeper/lawyer/dr/cook you name it.
    these are the terms we have come to live with.

    i am unable to go to my daughters things at this time right now and its hurts.

    but mom still needs to be around sick or not sick.
    mabye at this time a antidepressent would help?? talk to your dr about that please...

    i'd rather have my kids see me laying in bed sleeping or watching tv, on meds then laying in a casket. THAT THEY WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER :S :( :( :( i know that sounds very blunt and harsh but its true and its real.

    i want you to weigh your pro's and your con's sweetie.
    your pro's will outweigh the cons by a long shot.

    we are here to support you in anyway that we can.
    if it helps have hub get on here with you to see that your not the only person living in pain and this is not your fault. this is not what we all planned our life to be.
    but we have to realize this is what it is. :X :X :X

    your a great person ,wonderful mom and wife.
    don't let anyone tell you otherwise :* :* :* :* O:) O:) O:)
  • Please let either your family doctor or back surgeon know how you feel. :-C I felt the same way and didn't realize that depression is often a result of all the chronic pain we are in. The meds the doctor prescribed work very well. My DH (dear husband) also found that acupuncture worked for him as well. Take care of yourself and let us know what your doctor says. >:D<
  • Please let either your family doctor or back surgeon know how you feel. :-C I felt the same way and didn't realize that depression is often a result of all the chronic pain we are in. The meds the doctor prescribed work very well. My DH (dear husband) also found that acupuncture worked for him as well. Take care of yourself and let us know what your doctor says. >:D<
  • Please let either your family doctor or back surgeon know how you feel. :-C I felt the same way and didn't realize that depression is often a result of all the chronic pain we are in. The meds the doctor prescribed work very well. My DH (dear husband) also found that acupuncture worked for him as well. Take care of yourself and let us know what your doctor says. >:D<
  • Hi! none of us are worthless no matter how bad we feel and our kids need us wether it is in bed or out I grew up with my Mom in and out and I would have never wanted her to go away or not exdist and yes my kids still learn value lessons, they make choices and they have a lot to draw from. I don't like it but my kids are now 20, 21 & 25, single mom for the past 10 years, so they were young when I was on so much meds I did know my name and the had to do things not usually done atr that young age... I am so proud of who they are today so do not worry too much they come out good on the other end...
    Thank you Cindy for being such a positive model for us all I know that you have your days as well.. God keeep us all.... Ramona
  • thank you for all your wonderful replies.....I don't want to say I'm glad I'm not alone in this because I dont want anyone to feel like this but i'm glad someone can relate. Sometimes I feel like I must be the only one going thru this.

    We just had an incident about a week ago where a man threw himself in front of a train in the town over from us. My kids were really disturbed by it & they asked how could someone do that. My 1st thought was maybe the guy had back issues and was in pain! :(

    I think I will mention my feelings to my pain dr. Hopefully he deals with emotional pain as well as the physical pain. Maybe some anti-depressants will help and can give me a better attitude. I'm usually such a strong person but this has really knocked me down and defeated me. I used to think I could handle anything....didn't realize I was going to be tested so hard!

    We'll see what the dr says...hopefully I don't get committed to the psych ward! :<

    Michelle
  • hockymom. dont fret the self doubt and the depression. Your gonna come through this and shine. There will be better days and less pain...
    and...
    there will be days of sadness.
    that is the beauty of life, that there are ups and downs, and of family and love to carry us through...
    SO...
    carry your self with all the dignity and worth God has given you from birth.
    love fiercely
    Love deeply
    Love like there will be no tomorrow
    you have worth and a inborn dignity, and there are those who will need you
    as you need them
    there will be time of not being strong, thats what familys are for to carry you when you cant walk
    explain to your loved ones that you want to, but sometimes wont be able to... that is gonna be the hard part, when your a giving person, of nbot being able to, but give what you can when you can
    you give your best
    they know it!
    peace
  • *****HUGS*****

    I know how you feel. My kids are 3 and 5. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm a burden and not contributing much if anything to my family. My father suffered a horrid accident when I was about 7 and I have no memories of him except in pain. It's been 33 years, countless surgeries, and never ending pain for him.

    While what is happening with me is nothing like his injury and problems, they are still sucking the life out of me. Many, many, many hugs to you, to all of you. I pray that one day we will all have pain levels that we can live with.
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