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So---what do you do? Don't want intimacy. Upset husband.

kathyykkathyy Posts: 580
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:27 AM in Matters of the Heart
Well, here I am. 2 months preop. I'm 56 -I feel like 90. It's all I can do, sometimes, to act reasonably "normal" around my friends and family. They really can't understand what it's like to recover from this surgery. And on top of it all, I have ZERO sex drive. Sorry if that's the wrong word to use in the post. If it is, then I hope the moderators will x it out. But somebody here must know what I mean. I really want to resume a normal life with my dsh (dear sweet husband) but when I try, it is so uncomfortable. Yes, I can do it. No, it isn't very "feel good." Even though my husband seems to be understanding, I feel that our relationship is being damaged by the long recovery of this surgery. My operation lasted 6 hours. There were complications and I lost lots of blood. I'm trying to ween myself off of Lortab and am down to 20 mgs a day, total. Nothing else. Can't take anything else due to fusion issues. But even though I walk at least a mile a day religously, I am most often stiff and sore. Intimacy is the farthest thing from my mind.

Oh well. Thank for letting me vent. Not really looking for answers. Just very frustrated right now.


  • Kathy , I am so sorry to hear that you are going through so much right now. You really are still early in recovery and your body has been through so much with surgery , it does take time to heal. Are you weening yourself off of your meds or is your doctor? The reason that I ask is because sometimes you can come off of meds too early and end up making the recovery time take longer...plus , you may want to see about a med for depression...it is very common to get depressed after surgery , I know I did and there have been many , many others as well....there is no shame in taking an anti-depressant if it is needed. Just something to think about and possibly talk to your doctor about. You might want to make a list of your concerns , symptoms and questions to also go over with your doctor.....you aren't the only one to have ever gone through this type of thing so your doctor will probably have some great advice and pointers for you.

    If there is anything at all that I can help you with then please just let me know , I am always just a PM away. If you would like to speak more on the intimacy issues then please PM me and I will be more than happy to speak with you about that as well. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing and cut yourself some slack...you and your body have been through a lot. Btw , "sex drive" is fine....no worries there.....take care.....Miki
  • I too need some help in that area. I have absolutely no interest in sex. I hurt everywhere, and so it takes everything I can muster to finally "give in" and be intimate with my husband. He has been very understanding, but I think it has affectd our relationship some. In the past he would call me throughout the day and say something like "hello my wonderful dear wife". This would give me the warm fuzzies every time he said it. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I can't remember the last time he said that to me. i think a big part of it is because he feels rejected when I don't give in to the intimate back rubs that I know he wants to lead to more. I hate "rejecting" him. Wow, too much information here and I am taking over your thread. sorry about that.

    Anyway, I do know how important intimacy is in a marriage, and I wish there was an answer for me too. All I can say for now is that you are not alone.

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • Hi Kathy,

    I too understand what your going through. I am 48 and have been going through this for about 4 yrs. It is hard on a relationship. But hon, don't blame yourself. If there is one thing I understand is that we can Not control our body, as much as we would like to. But our families and friends and even our spouse don't understand. I have gone through menapause already, thats no help either right? Maybe Doctor can help to ease this prob a bit for you.
    Your not alone in this at ALL! You can vent anytime you feel the need, I do! :)
  • Have you been upfront with your husband and explained to him how you feel or more specifically the lack of desire? Explain to him that the medications, the surgery and the fear of re-injury play some serious games with your mind, emotions and hence sex drive. Make sure that he knows that it isn't him that is causing the problem.

  • haglandc said:
    Have you been upfront with your husband and explained to him how you feel or more specifically the lack of desire? Explain to him that the medications, the surgery and the fear of re-injury play some serious games with your mind, emotions and hence sex drive. Make sure that he knows that it isn't him that is causing the problem.

    Yes, we have talked but I probably haven't been as forthcoming as I should. I just hate to disappoint him. He has been so sweet. I keep thinking that one morning I'll wake up and have my "drive" back but I really think that it's maybe not so much my drive but my fear of the pain I experienced on our last "effort." I will talk to him and try to explain a little more clearly what I feel like.
  • the longer you leave it the less you want it,i know thats how it is with me,when i finally get round to it its like wow i quite injoyed that but as miki says its early days for you so give urself a break
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,859
    and it is so true!
    lulusheart said:
    :) why not get away from the actual act and go for holding hands, rubbing each other, touching? these acts can be as satisfying as the real thing, especially if extra pain is involved. i know this may sound corny but after awhile these acts are just a sensual and satisfying as the real thing. :X we have been together for almost 30 years and have tried lots of different sexual positions to no avail. good luck with whatever you decide to do and have fun with it! Jenny :)

    Just being together, snuggled on a couch at night watching TV, Holding hands going for a walk, A nice romantic dinner for two. There are so many ways two people can express their love for each other without actual making love.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I followed your sage advice. And last night, amidst the cuddling, a wonderful, natural progression of events occured that left both my hub and myself with happily curled toes and big smiles. The cuddling took so much of the stress out of "it" and the ensuing relaxation just made everything come together (no pun intended!) I thank you and my dsh thanks you as well!!!!!!!! I'm doing the "happy dance" (to the extent that I can). Great advice. :*
  • When I am in pain (more than normal) or recovering, hubby is learning he better go into "crock pot" mode with me. Start early, and often, all day long. Then, LOTS of cuddling, slow simmer...........crock pot!! Doesn't always work, but anything faster than a crock pot is guaranteed not to work.

    What's great is we are getting so much closer, spending so much more time cuddling, holding hands, talking, kissing, etc.

    Glad you had some success!!

  • You know, it always makes me think...

    Life happens with it's many ups and downs; but we all seem to adjust and it makes us better people because of it.

    It's really true - that which does not kill us makes us strong. That includes the ties we have with our significant others or situations in general.

    I used to say When things get "back to normal", I will do such and such or whatever. Then one day I finally realized THIS is what's normal and I'd better learn to adapt. That's made a world of difference.

    Knowledge, acceptance and support are what makes my life bearable.

    Kathy, I'm glad things have worked out for you both. Being miserable or feeling unfulfilled hurts a relationship so much. And you two seem to have learned to work around it all. Good for you! :)

    Cheri: I love the crock pot analogy. Sure beats the crack pot one I've been associated with these days! Mind if I use it? :)

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