I had a call with my mentor at college today. I had been doing so great and working really hard to finish my degree and become a teacher. Then my back had to revolt. I toughed it out and finished my fifth term before surgery. I worked my butt off to finish in time. I would go to the school that I was doing my pre-clinicals at and observe and/or teach lessons. Then I'd come home, pop pain pills, ice my back, and write the required papers. There were many days that I didn't think I would make it but only through a lot of determination did I make it.
I signed up to take a break from school so I could recover from my two level fusion. The doctor told me that recovery would be 3 to 6 months. Damn him for lying to me! A few months after surgery my PM said recovery is 6 to 12 months. I had placed so much faith into what I was told originally. I had planned to return to school this fall and finish my pre-clinicals and student teach starting in January 2010. I would then graduate in the spring.
Nothing has gone right since surgery. I have more pain than before. Numbness, burning, and tingling in both feet that will go up my legs if I push myself. I can only sit, walk or stand for 45 minutes max before I hurt like crazy. Then I have to lie down with an ice pack.
My mentor is a wonderful woman. She's understanding and supportive. Her role is to help guide us through the courses and to find resources when needed. Today we talked about my situation and what it means regarding my degree. Long story short is that I'm completely screwed. I physically cannot do the work I need to in order to graduate. Unless a miracle happens, I'm going to have to drop out by August 1. This completely kills me. I did over 3.5 years of work in 2.5 years. My future and that of my family was based on me becoming a teacher. It's what I love and what I want to do. I've looked into virtual schools but they all want somebody with a license and most want classroom experience. I cannot do either unless I student teach. If I should get better one day, I can return to school and finish my degree then. But there's no guarantee that I will be able to go back.
I've held out hope until now that there would be a way to get my degree and finish what I've started. And now, I don't feel like I will ever accomplish this dream. I'm trying not to think about it but it's hard not to. I break down into tears when I do. With time, I hope it gets easier to accept this situation but it feels like a raw, open sore in my heart. I would've been the first one in my immediate family to earn a bachelor's. Frickin' pain, not being able to be the mother and wife that I want to be, and now this. I would've been a damn good teacher as my mentor said. I was a great corporate trainer before kids and I cannot return to that work because of my back.
Sorry this is so long. I need to get this out right now. And eventually, I guess I'll have to let it go. I'm struggling to see what my life is going to be like now. If you read all of this, thank you. Beth