I have finally admitted (or submitted) - Doctor diagnosed depression.
I have fought the black and dark days for a long time, my own private battle behind the fake smile which I learnt a few years ago through the physical pain, 24/7 after dashed hopes...and so on.
I don't expect any comments, just wanted to share. I try so hard to make each day count, I hope that tomorrow will be different and I focus hard on my family.
I never ever expected my life to change in the ways it has.
I still think that the uncontrolled pain is 90% of why I feel so dark. When i have better days it makes me realise how much I am missing, which is likely why I feel so bad again.
This is 2009. Why am I in pain? It is madness. They can replace organs, go into space, do amazing things and I am still left in pain.
There doesn't seem any point talking to anyone. I am worried now that the doctors will treat the "depression" and not the pain, and see the depression as somehing that suggests I am imagining th epain.
They can't feel the pain. Their lives haven't been turned inside out. My career has ended due to my problems. I have plans and dreams it is just a big struggle at the moment.
Every day I grit my teeth and get though the day.
Today I feel like a cracked egg? So what happens next? I am scared to give in to how I feel which is how and why I have battled forward this far without meds.
Sorry to vent. Just need an understanding place to help re-focus on the positives.