Finally finished filling out my SSDI forms. Five days of pure hell, filling those out. Constant sobbing, with every question. The problem: the formal admission that I am disabled, permanently, irrevocably disabled. I've never even uttered the words out loud before, much less seriously thought them to myself even! I tried once to say the words, just to see if I could, but couldn't choke it out.
My spinal disease rendered me disabled. The surgery to mechanically replace what the disease took from me rendered me more disabled still; a total fusion from T10 thru S1. I am so grateful that my surgeon could give me some sort of spine back, that eventually I should be able to walk more than a few feet and be able to build some sort of new "normal" again. But the disease that ate my spine forever took away so much more than the surgeon can ever give me back. I've struggled with back pain my whole life, but never dreamt it would ever come to this. I wasn't going to ALLOW it, but the disease had other ideas. Even so, with all the pain, with all the surgeries, with all the limitations, I simply could not wrap my mind around the fact that I was NEVER going to have at least SOME of my old life back.
We make plans and God laughs.
Filling out those forms was SO overwhelming, I wasn't sure I would be able to finish without actually dying from heartbreak. I thought I would be soooo relieved and released after I signed the final piece of paper. This morning I was. But the reality has come rushing back. It's now on my permanent record. No more pretending, no more fantasizing that by sheer prayer and will power, I WOULD re-gain as much of my old life back as possible. But that's not ever going to happen.
I am always going to be extremely limited in what I will be able to do. I will never be able to work at a job again due to the constant pain and special needs I'm stuck with.
BUT, I've taken the first step in admitting that I AM disabled. I will always be disabled. I guess this is the acceptance part. Isn't it supposed to get a little easier after you've managed to accept your reality? I think it will. I pray it will. I need it to be so. I would like to stop sobbing and start figuring out what kind of new normal I can build for myself. This time a lot more realistically.
Goal: Stop sobbing for cryin' out loud and start looking forward again!
Goal: Say the words out loud to someone. One more step towards true acceptance of my situation.
Goal: Allow myself a little pat on the back - I DID finish the forms, I DID finally make the admittance I AM disabled. Enjoy and celebrate every single victory, however small. Someday, the victories could be bigger!
Goal: Keep setting goals!!
Thanks for letting me cry and vent. You all help me get thru my days and nights, just by knowing I am not alone and there ARE people who understand. REALLY understand. It's like hugs I can carry with me all day long and hopefully you can feel some of my hugs back