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Chronic pain has just taken all I had left.

After being married for 12 years and together for 16, my wife decided she wants a divorce. I am beyond devastated. She left about an hour ago, leaving me with our 10 year old son and all the bills. I get disability but not much. I tried to talk her out of this until she said she already had somebody new. WOW! Said she is done watch in HER life go by. I really have tried to be as strong as possible to be able to stay active with her but my pain and nerve damage have just slowed me down to much for her she said. Funny how great things used to be when I made $70,000 a year and was in perfect physical condition. Did not see this coming. I was already kinda at the end ofy chain with just the physical stuff, now this. Sucks being 36 years old and worried to death about the future but today took that to a whole new level. Sorry for sounding winey.
2 low back fusions. 1 neck fusion. Lots of therapy, injections, and so on.


  • First of all , I am truly sorry for what you are going through right now. And I am sorry for the pain that you are and your son are feeling. I'm sure that your wife's behavior has left you reeling, while trying to figure out what happened .
    I know that it is easyfor her to blame your physical condition for her affair but that is just the excuse she used to give herself permission to act so selfishly. Affairs happen because one person gives themselves permission and makes excuses for their behavior, because it is easier to do that, blame their spouse than it is to look at themselves and have to face themselves in the mirror.
    There are a few things that you need to do, to protect yourself and your son right away. The first, is to contact an attorney- all attorneys have a free one hour consultation that you can meet with them and ask questions regarding separation, custody, support etc........do this on Monday, to protect yourself and your son. The second thing that you will need to take care of, is an emergency temporary custody order. Not doing so, means that your wife can show up at your sons' school or anywhere and simply take him. Since you both are custodial parents, either one has the right to take him without the other's permission unless you stop it. The only way to do that is to go to family court and get a temporary custody order. They may also make her pay temporary support since she left the home, which may help you to keep a roof over your heads during this time.
    I know that you will find support here, but if you need any more help, please feel free to PM me.........this isn't about your being disabled, unfortunately, it is about her and her poor choices and excuses for her bad behavior.
  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    This has nothing to do with your health. It is just a excuse. Although I wasnt married I also lost the man I loved to the same situation. Same excuse. Right now your main priorities are your son and yourself. It is very easy for a pain patient to believe that the reason they left was due to our disabilities but in time you will feel differently and see things more clearly. Hang in there I know right now how you are feeling and boy is it a bad feeling but it will get better. For a woman to leave her son tells me she is a very selfish person , just my opinion so dont let her tell you it is becasue of your health
  • Thanks for your comments, you are both rite, but man I can't recall ever feeling this bad. My chest hurts so bad, I can't eat, my head feels like its gonna burst, is this normal? If so how much longer? I'm your stereotypical tuff-guy, 6'1" 185 pounds, one arm sleeved in tatoo's and this has just leveled me to my core.
    2 low back fusions. 1 neck fusion. Lots of therapy, injections, and so on.
  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Hang in there and be strong for yourself and your son. Your son must be confused and scared. Together you can get thru this. Time is what it is going to take.I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but in reality there is nothing I can say but I can be a friend to listen to you..Hang in there and try to be strong. Surround yourself with family and friends. Heartbreak and stress can lead to all kinds of health effects. But to be on the safe side I think I would call my PCP and tell them about the chest pains. You have to stay healthy and strong if not for yourself, for your son
  • Please don't go through the lawyer thing unless you can help it. In Australia they have mediation which is a much less expensive way to go. Look to be honest I wouldn't want to live with myself because of my pain and the restrictions it places on me.

    I know you feel like Crap at the moment - but seeing she left without taking your son - that seems pretty weird to me it probably won't last with this guy. Most mothers don't leave their children, so maybe that's a blessing in disguise, for you. It would be hell if she was playing up while you were still there. She'll get her own back - revenge doesn't work for me, only makes me feel worse.

    When I'm really emotionally hurt it puts my pain levels through the roof - I know u r angry but the best way and the least money way to sort it out isn't long court cases because they cost so much and the only people who win are the lawyers.

    Distraction works for me. Get a good movie - doesn't kill the pain but just puts you in another place for a while.

    I agree with Sandi she is pretty selfish but thats the way life is and you can't let it wreck the rest of your life. They say the best revenge is looking after yourself.

    So I know it sounds hard at the moment but it's best if you go through this with the least stress on everyone. It will effect your son so you need to take care of him - kids often blame themselves for the situation so you need to tell him it's not his fault.

    Do get your family and friends round you for support.You will be OK. One really good thing someone told me once is to look a couple of years down the road and know it won't be so bad then.
  • The consult with the attorney is to protect the well being of your son, and to ensure that he is being protected. With your wife making the decisions that she is making, you really need to watch out for you, and for your son since she is not making good choices. You don't want her to show up at his school and decide to take him with her. A temporary order is just that, it gives you the protection of having sole physical custody of your son so that she can not take him without your consent, but allows her to see him at the same time. It protects your son from being exposed to her affair partner. And it allows you to make decisions based on his best interest.
    It may help her to wake up from what she is doing, because people in affairs justify their behavior and aren't making decisions based on what is right , but on what feels good at the moment.
    No one is saying that filing for divorce is the thing to do, but you do need to protect yourself and your son.
    What you are feeling is perfectly normal , given what you are dealing with. But you must take care of yourself, so even if you don't feel like eating, you need to anyway. You have to be there both emotionally and physically to take care of your son and he will need you to listen to him.
    Hang in there Dusty, we will be here to help . Check out the various forums on infidelity. There is one specifically that I have in mind that I'm sure will be very helpful to you right now. I will PM It to you.
  • RangerRRanger on da rangePosts: 805
    Hey man,
    I want to say I know how you feel, maybe I really don't but I have felt what you are feeling. Many of us have gone through the pain you feel, my circumstance wasn't related to my health issues, fortunately things worked out and we worked through it.
    Then the health problems made their way into my life, so like Susan said, it's nothing to do with your health. My spine issues never put a wedge in my marriage, my wife is of great support.
    The hurt you feel is so hard to describe to others, it cuts deep, and it doesn't leave any time soon. Your trust for others is compromised, almost makes one paranoid.
    You have a lot of support here, if I can be of any help, PM me anytime.
  • tina coylettina coyle Posts: 125
    edited 06/10/2013 - 1:19 AM
    Hi Dusty you must be feeling alot of things right now and I am truely sorry for you, but you son must be feeling bad to . My sister walked out on her children 6 of them I kept them for as long as I could but due to my disabilty , the children services would only let me keep one how due you pick, any I leave that story. I just want to say your son must be feeling really bad right now so if you can just try and be the best dad you can and let him know that none of this is his fault, and when he has gone to bed or his not in the room you can vent then. The both of you will get through this together it will be hard I will be thinking of you both. I am really sorry again and its early days yet , take a couple of days out before you do any thing, think things through first. Tina
  • Dusty, wow, I am really sorry about this, but Sandi is 100% correct, speak to a lawyer and get that temporary custody order as soon as possible. Also, even though I hate to say it, but also ask for child support, a judge can order it even if temporarily, and depending on her income level and the fact that you are on disability, you may even be entitled to spousal support. Most judges will not allow her to just leave and take her income with her if she has been the main support for a period of time.

    Like everyone else said, you must take care of yourself for your son's sake, yes it will be difficult, but you CAN get though it. We are her to support you so anything you need, just ask OK.
  • As the sub-line said, I got through one more night, which is where things seem the hardest. Seems that after my son goes to bed that I am just wiped from acting O.K. for him all day, plus my physical problems and then I still can't sleep. Trying to force intake of food and water but not much luck yet. I never expected so many comments, but I really appreciate each one. I find myself coming back here and reading them a lot. Thank all of you...
    2 low back fusions. 1 neck fusion. Lots of therapy, injections, and so on.
  • paininohioppaininohio Posts: 240
    edited 06/10/2013 - 5:40 AM
    Hi Dusty. Glad you made it another night. Take it one day at a time. We're all here for you. Keep us updated because we really do care.
  • I'm glad that you made it through another night. I know when I was dealing with this in my own marriage, the nights were the hardest to get through. Too many unanswered questions and too many what ifs...
    if you go to the my account tab at the top of the page, you will see my inbox. That is where you will find the PM I sent you regarding that infidelity board. There are tons of resources there , and I really hope even if you don't post there, you will read some of the material because it can give you some clear guidelines for getting through these days.
    Anger, resentment, fear, frustration, and love, yes ,love will help you through these next days and months.
    What does your son say about all of this? The most important thing that you can do is to be honest with him. Don't lie to him. You don't have to go into detail ( in fact you shouldn't) but he is old enough to have seen and heard things that are making him believe that he is somehow responsible for what is happening, and you need to be as reassuring as you can be that none of this has anything to do with him, how he behaved or didn't, and that the two of you will be okay. No matter what, he has you in his corner.
    If you can't eat regular meals, yogurt, bananas, and lots of water all will keep you hydrated, your vitamin levels up and melatonin might help you sleep.
    If you need to talk , my PM feature is always open. Just click on the send PM button under my name.
  • Dusty, everybody has offered excellent advice and support. I'm sure it's beyond tough right now, and I hope that things turn out well for you...well, I'll say what no body else can bring themselves to say, and that is your wife needs to be bi#ch slapped into next week...take care
  • I often wonder when I see someone celebrating 50 years of marriage how many times one or the other walked out or almost walked out. Because it seems to me that all marriages reach points where things just seem to go wrong. 10-15 years is one of those times. I think that's when the sparkles get wiped from your eyes, a few extra pounds settle on the hips, and the kids become teenagers. Not sure which is the worst but the kids are definately in the running for 1st place. The good/bad news is that often things settle down if you let them. And depending on how well you fix those problems you might do well or you might end up back in the same bad place.

    Your health issues are not the only reason for her leaving, but they are a factor. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes people get stronger when faced with adversity and sometimes they fall apart. But your health has changed you and you and your whole family had to reconfigure itself to cope.

    Give yourself some time to think. Go to family court and get a temporary custody order. The clerk will help you. I don't think you have to worry too much about your wife stealing your son away since she left him already. But better to be safe. Then take some time. Nothing has to happen today or this week or this month. You might find that your wife shows back home. Or she might contact you with what she is thinking to do. If she does contact you see if she will talk to you, explain what she thinks is wrong. I would just tell your son that mom needed some time for herself.

    This is never easy but it will get a little easier each day. Just keep breathing and know that you will survive this.

  • She called me after she got outta work to say she was going to look at an apartment. She said she can't be with someone who has as many limitations as me because that limits her. I can't change me. I can only accept me, limitations and all. She decided she could not.....
    2 low back fusions. 1 neck fusion. Lots of therapy, injections, and so on.
  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,110
    Your limitations may play a factor in her leaving but do not for one minute think that is the only reason why. i know you are hurting badly right now but as everyone says " one day at a time:. Hang in there and there are many people here for you. I am a true believer that if someone cannot accept me for the way I am then they do not deserve me.You should think the same way, it is her loss. You deserve someone who can be caring and can understand what you go thru on a daily basis with your spine issue. Your spine issues do not define you as a person. From what I have seen of your post you are a loving father, a GOOD father and a caring person. You deserve someone that can appreciate you for who you are. Take care
  • Hi Dusty, I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are this morning.
  • She called....that's a interesting sign. I know others will think I am crazy but as a woman who has been in her shoes I'm telling you it might not be over. The fact that this came out of no where for you means that you two have not really talked or argued about it. I think you two need to talk and maybe go to a counselor together. If nothing else you have a child to raise together so you need to either fix your relationship or change it and get it to a good place that you can live with for his sake.

    We all have points in our lives when we look at ourselves. That's when we wonder if there is something better or if we are happy with where we are. Sometimes we are happy and sometime we want something else. The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence....until we get there. If the gate is left open you can come back and work on your own garden and make it grow.
  • Dusty just hopeing that your day has been ok for you and your son today maybe at least you eaten a good meal together,wacthed some TV or had a chat or you even tried to relaxe while your son was at school. Iook after yourself Dusty takecare.
  • I agree with Sandy. Here at work i deal with divorce/parent leaving whatever..daily. First, dont look for excuses, answers, why why not...ect. the answers will come, in time. Take care of your health first. Your not being selfish, your being the good parent. second. dont blame yourself for anything, things happen, and thats just the way it is. If you look back all the time, your never going to move forward.
    Third. be kind to yourself. as My esteemed friend John would put it. every emotion under the sun will now be doubled, on top of what your body puts you through. emotions will want to run your life, the five stages will happen all at once... its a crying shame, literally, but you will get through this. your going to have to want to get through this and your going to ahve to find the strength to do it. I'll pray you find it, because haveing to go through this and be in chronic pain? Dante didnt even have this level...
    be good and be gentle on yourself, and dont be afraid to reach out, Sandi, or many others will be willing to give you a shoulder to hang on to k? right now, its ok to lean on someone.
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • The bottom line is that you both are responsible for the condition of your marriage, but she and she alone is responsible for the decision to engage in an affair. Any issues or problems that she may have had, are in fact legit, but she chose to handle them in a way that is selfish and immature.
    Not every spouse can handle having their spouse's health deteriorate, but then again, apparently, they didn't take those vows about in sickness and in health very literally.
    She had other choices, but she chose to engage in an affair, hurt you, your son, herself ( although I'm sure that she doesn't see it that way yet), and of course, the other man's family if he has one.
    Right now, I would only talk to her about your son, not about anything else. Have you contacted that attorney for a free consult yet? if, not, please, I can not stress enough , that you need to , for your son and to protect yourself from the choices she is making right now. She is not acting like the woman you know and love, because she's not her, at this time.
    I know that there is a part of you that wants to believe that she will wake up and come around, and that this will all be a horrible nightmare that you will wake up from.......and she may, in time, but for now, she is not, and that means that you need to watch out for yourself, your assets, and most importantly, your son.
    I hope that you visited the forum that I sent you, and did some reading. There is some really helpful information there to support and guide you during these days and coming weeks.
  • Dusty, Please check in when you get a chance to. Worried about you.
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