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can't lie anymore........

Hi All,

I have hesitated for days about writing this. I guess I somehow kept convincing myself that if i didn't SAY it, it really wasn't true.  But I just can't lie anymore.  I need a place to let my anger, frustration and devastation out.  I hate to do this as i don't want to discourage others, but I simply HAVE to let this out..........

I had a 2 level neck fusion on monday oct 2nd, c5-7.  From the moment i woke up, i knew something had gone horribly wrong. Of course i tried to rationalize i tall, (everyones different , its too early to tell etc etc).  I listened to what everyone told me as i lay there sobbing from pain, and trusted in everything they told me because I HAD to..  the alternative wasn't something i could even begin to consider or accept at that time.

But now, 6 days later, I no longer have a choice. I have to accept it.  Not only did the surgery not help me in any way, i am MUCH worse. I still have all of the pain I had prior to surgery but amplified times a100.  And in addition to that, I seem to have an additional new, severely pinched nerve that wasn't there before. this lovely new condition caused to actually sit straight up in bed for almost 3 days straight because i simply could not lay back against my upper back area.  try sleeping sitting straight up, lol

please be assured, i know what post surgery pain and soreness feels like.  Yes, my throat is sore etc etc.  But this is NOT that - not even close.  the little bit of soreness from surgery would be HEAVEN ON EARTH compared to this. 

i have only now been able to stop crying long enough to even consider writing this.  i have done nothing but cry for 6 straight days. My poor husband is at a loss.  The doctors are of course ignoring me ("everything went great....... looks perfect!"), and I have honestly looked at my pill bottles more than once. wondering if you can ever be forgiven for suicide.

don't worry, i won't do that.  i'm way too responsible to ever do that to my family.  the point is that i even THOUGHT about it.....ME!!!

you know i thought of a lot of outcomes for this..... maybe just minimal improvement, even God forbid no improvement.  but i never, EVER considered that i would be infinitely worse......

well, guess thats it, my arms are KILLING me from tryping this already so have to go back to bed.  wishing MUCH better results for everyone else.  apparently just wasn't meant to be for me.

thank you for listening


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Comments

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 6,354

    Omg!! I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it doesn't help but I've heard of other members that had this surgery going through the same thing.
    I really hope this eases up for you soon. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Sandra
    Veritas-Health Forum Moderator
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my  Medical History
  • I'm so sorry. I feel so much for you. I had my cervical fusion at one level 7 months ago and they told me the same thing. I am in way worse pain. I wish I could tell you it will be fine, and maybe even it will with time. I just know I have not gotten better. So we just need to help eachother here and see if anyone has some advice. This is my first post also. So sorry you are going through this. Hugs ♡ ♡ ♡ 

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  • It is not good to read you are in so much pain and I hope this reduces very soon.

    I have had 3 lumbar surgeries, so understand the feeling of being run over by a freight train or two, but cannot quite relate to some of the other things you are experiencing.

    The one positive thing I am reading is the doctors are saying everything looks perfect.  This could mean the pain you suffering is post op pain and will subside.

    I woke screaming and shouting from pain in my arms after my lumbar fusion and have numbness and nerve pain.  Some has reduced over the last month or so and I had my surgery in June. Nerves do not like surgery or being compromised during surgery and new things can appear afterwards.

    I don't know if this will help to take your recovery forward in a more positive way, but it would have helped me to know that symptoms would reduce, as they have.

    It does not sound as if your pain is under control and that will not be helping, so vocalise this and keep at them.

    Healing hugs

    AJ

    AJGormit

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    L5/S1 herniation Apr 2013
    nerve root injections Oct 2013
    L5/S1 discectomy Jan 2014
    L5/S1 nerve roo &, facet joint injections & edpidural Jan 2015
    L5/S1 revised discectomy, L4/L5 discectomy & Wallis Inswing Stabilisation L4/L5 May 1st 2015
    L4-S1 TLIF with decompression June 2017
  • Hi Kim,

    Sorry for the pain you are having.  I had two level acdf a year ago this month.  I still have pain also.  I still take the same meds post op as I did pre op.  I don't feel a hundred times worse though.  I feel about the same.  I would say talk to your dr and keep talking to him until he does something to help you.  I believe most drs just think its post op pain and want you to wait it out.  There are people who for whatever reason get worse.  In these instances you need to be your own advocate.  Get your family involved also.  The more support you have the better.  I would press your surgeon for answers. 

    I had the same levels as you fused, C5-C7.  If you need to talk or more specific info, message me if I can help.

  • Thanks so much everyone for your kind words... they mean so much to me.  I had my first follow up today.  And even tho my papers said i would be seeing the PA and getting my sutures removed, I found out when I got there that I was to see a nurse for a "wound check".  My husband and i were both surprised, but were told this is the normal procedure. So right off the bat we were disappointed - knowing we were not even going to get to see the PA much less the doctor.

    anyway, it was total waste of time really.  we attempted to explain several times how we thought something might be wrong, but she would just interrupt us and brush everything off as part of surgery pain. Then go back to her little list of questions.  At some point i started to tear up (damn it!) and she actually stopped and listened to something i said.  Then she went off for a few minutes, came back and said they were going to give me a pack of steroids. She apparently went to talk to a doctor who is filling in for mine (who's out of town - which we didn't know either) and he told her to give me steroid pack.  I told her that I had been given shots of steroids in the hospital and that they hadn't done anything, but we were scooted out and told to come back in a week. My husband even asked if maybe we should get an xray, just to make sure all was ok, but she said no, they won't do that till 2 weeks.  Then she gave me the doctors report which details my surgery and how "perfectly" it all went.  can you say CYA???

    Anyway, supposedly we'll see the doctor next week, but I'm positive it will be the PA.  Because I realized today that my appts are on mondays, and he does surgery on mondays.  sooooo, nope, i don't think i'll see him next week either.

    I.ve decided against the steroids for now... not that i'm against them. The first few times I took them 2-3 years ago, they helped.  But the last year or so, they have done NOTHING to relieve anything.  And since i know they already gave them to me in the hospital only a week ago and they did nothing, I see no reason to pump my poor body full of more steroids. That stuff starts getting risky when you take too much you know? Plus, not to sound like a know it all or anything, but i know for a fact that thats what they throw at you when they don't know what else to do ( i have a few friends in medicine)

    so, now that i have given you all the bad news, i will give you one little bit of good news.  the pain has lightened... just ever so slightly, but enough to notice it. It was so subtle that it actually took me a while to realize it.  But when yesterday evening came and it dawned on me that I had not cried all day, i realized it was indeed just a tad better.

     I did pay the price for going to the doctors and stopping at the grocery on the way home with hubby though. I had some incredible muscle spasms all over my upper back, even around sides to rib cage.  my hubby said he could actually see the knots, they were so big! so he rubbed some muscle cream on it for me and that helped a bit.

    well, i can't believe i wrote so much...... good grief. I'm sorry for going on and on. I guess it just feels so good to talk to people who understand, I let myself get carried away.  note to self:  less babbling next time.

    Thanks again everyone.  it truly does mean the world to me to have you guys.....even more than before the surgery!

    hugs to all


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  • Dear Kimotion

    Thanks for sharing your update and worries with us, this is what the site is for, sharing and support.

    Its good to know you have had your wound check, I experienced the same, just nurse, so normal practice.  It is so difficult when you have so many questions that you have been waiting to ask and then find the person you want to see, is not available.

    I was very pleased to read you had a day of no tears.  Surgery takes so much out of us and the emotions, pain and fear just take over at times.

    Well done on achieving the grocery store, not something I could have managed that soon after surgery, so a huge tick in that box.  You will begin to work out what is achievable and what is a step too far, but walking is always good, little and often.

    And just to let you know, we like babbling, so as much or more next time is totally acceptable.  Just share everything with us.  Sharing a burden halves it and clears the mind.

    Keep us updated on your next appointment.

    Take care

    AJ

    AJGormit

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    L5/S1 herniation Apr 2013
    nerve root injections Oct 2013
    L5/S1 discectomy Jan 2014
    L5/S1 nerve roo &, facet joint injections & edpidural Jan 2015
    L5/S1 revised discectomy, L4/L5 discectomy & Wallis Inswing Stabilisation L4/L5 May 1st 2015
    L4-S1 TLIF with decompression June 2017
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