I am writing here as my heart is aching just a little more badly than my back is at this time.
As many of you know I received a diagnosis of non-fusion on July 4th this year, 15 months after my L4 -S1, PLIF type operation which was to fix a very unstable spondylolysthesis, two "black" discs and bi-lateral fracture of the pars. Now since the bone graft has been re-absorbed, there is only the screws holding my spine together back there and they are not doing a particularly good job of it, in fact they are drilling larger and larger holes into my vertebrae. One of these screws is irritating the S1 nerve , giving the burning, stinging, numbing pain of sciatica which takes my breath away at times, the spondy is unstable again.
To get me through this hell I am again on oxy, along with anti-inflammatories and a hefty dose of gabapentin (neurontin) I have cortex problems , my short term memory is shot to pieces and concentration is frustratingly poor. My sleeping pattern is again a mess and daily life is a struggle. I reckoned that these side effects were to bear until my planned op in mid September. The new larger screws are ready and waiting. As of yesterday I was just awaiting a final date for pre-op and op .
This morning my Spine Clinic rang, and changed my world . The surgeon who was prepared to do my rather complicated surgery has had to return back home to Sweden due to family problems and is not returning . It is going to take a while to find another surgeon , if they find one . If it was a little disc repair one of the other surgeons could find room on his list, but mine is quite a complicated affair, which not many surgeons specialize in, due to the rarity. The consultants are having a conference about my case on Monday or Tuesday and I will recieve a call to tell me if they have found anywhere to refer me, either here in Denmark or in another country I do not know.
I sobbed for about an hour in my husbands arms, after I got off the telephone, then thankfully I slept and am now confused as to how I feel. Miserable mainly, a little angry and just helpless, my head aches from all the thoughts belting around, and my heart is heavy. I can`t believe they moved the goal posts again , I was only 4 weeks from having my life back on track again and was starting the preparations for my recovery at home, including my mom and dad taking a trip over here from England to take care of me when I came home from hospital. They are as gutted as I am.
I just don`t know what to do with myself now , but writing it all down has helped and knowing there are others out there who understand this hollow feeling I have, the cruelty of having life on hold, whilst others try find a solution. I have held myself together for so long , grieving over the loss of my nursing career, the loss of my old life, my inability to tend my house, garden and pets as I should like and seeing my husband sacrifice his goals in life to care for me. So far I have fended off depression and told myself it is not an option as I always could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I suppose I am in shock that they can extend the length of the tunnel without warning .
My part-time job under a sick pay office scheme is becoming too much for me physically and will probably come to an end at the meeting to be held on Monday, the bus journey there jolts me about too much anyway and with the lack of concentration, I will soon become a liability, so common sense says stop now. I have a cold and a fever at the moment and no appetite, nausea engulfs me as I eat a bit before taking my meds, It has been a very long time since I have been so fed up, hubby is sick too and our home is in disarray, for the time being.
Well. enough moaning for now , I hope to have better news to tell you next week.