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VikingVViking Posts: 128
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:22 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am writing here as my heart is aching just a little more badly than my back is at this time.

As many of you know I received a diagnosis of non-fusion on July 4th this year, 15 months after my L4 -S1, PLIF type operation which was to fix a very unstable spondylolysthesis, two "black" discs and bi-lateral fracture of the pars. Now since the bone graft has been re-absorbed, there is only the screws holding my spine together back there and they are not doing a particularly good job of it, in fact they are drilling larger and larger holes into my vertebrae. One of these screws is irritating the S1 nerve , giving the burning, stinging, numbing pain of sciatica which takes my breath away at times, the spondy is unstable again.

To get me through this hell I am again on oxy, along with anti-inflammatories and a hefty dose of gabapentin (neurontin) I have cortex problems , my short term memory is shot to pieces and concentration is frustratingly poor. My sleeping pattern is again a mess and daily life is a struggle. I reckoned that these side effects were to bear until my planned op in mid September. The new larger screws are ready and waiting. As of yesterday I was just awaiting a final date for pre-op and op .

This morning my Spine Clinic rang, and changed my world . The surgeon who was prepared to do my rather complicated surgery has had to return back home to Sweden due to family problems and is not returning . It is going to take a while to find another surgeon , if they find one . If it was a little disc repair one of the other surgeons could find room on his list, but mine is quite a complicated affair, which not many surgeons specialize in, due to the rarity. The consultants are having a conference about my case on Monday or Tuesday and I will recieve a call to tell me if they have found anywhere to refer me, either here in Denmark or in another country I do not know.

I sobbed for about an hour in my husbands arms, after I got off the telephone, then thankfully I slept and am now confused as to how I feel. Miserable mainly, a little angry and just helpless, my head aches from all the thoughts belting around, and my heart is heavy. I can`t believe they moved the goal posts again , I was only 4 weeks from having my life back on track again and was starting the preparations for my recovery at home, including my mom and dad taking a trip over here from England to take care of me when I came home from hospital. They are as gutted as I am.

I just don`t know what to do with myself now , but writing it all down has helped and knowing there are others out there who understand this hollow feeling I have, the cruelty of having life on hold, whilst others try find a solution. I have held myself together for so long , grieving over the loss of my nursing career, the loss of my old life, my inability to tend my house, garden and pets as I should like and seeing my husband sacrifice his goals in life to care for me. So far I have fended off depression and told myself it is not an option as I always could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I suppose I am in shock that they can extend the length of the tunnel without warning .

My part-time job under a sick pay office scheme is becoming too much for me physically and will probably come to an end at the meeting to be held on Monday, the bus journey there jolts me about too much anyway and with the lack of concentration, I will soon become a liability, so common sense says stop now. I have a cold and a fever at the moment and no appetite, nausea engulfs me as I eat a bit before taking my meds, It has been a very long time since I have been so fed up, hubby is sick too and our home is in disarray, for the time being.

Well. enough moaning for now , I hope to have better news to tell you next week.



  • i'm so sorry to hear about this...oh gosh v hang in there ...big hugs ...
  • I hope you are able to find a new surgeon soon..take care
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  • viking im so sorry about your news,it just seems so unfair,but don t give up, that is not an option for you,if i know you, you will soon regain your strenght and fight to find a new surgeon and i really believe you will,as for work i know how you feel,i haven t realy excepted that my nursing career is over,just know that i, as well as others on this forum are here for you
    take care
  • sorry for you and your situation, viking. I know when having been in chronic pain, losing our past way of life and any little bit of bad news on top of that is devastating. "Moving the goalpost's again" is a good way of putting it. I hope the conference goes well and just know that there is a professional somewhere that can do what needs to be done. Keep us updated.
  • Hi,
    this may be out in left field, but I saw on the news last night where some insurance companies are paying for some types of surgery to be done in other countries. One of them was back and neck fusion. I don't know if this would apply to you but if your insurance is one of them willing to pay for you to go out of the country then maybe you wouldn't have to wait so long. I am so sorry for all you have been though.
    dc :S
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  • My heartfelt sympathy for your situation. Just remember that for every door that closes, another one opens.

  • Awwwwwwwwwww V I am truly sorry for you. I can honestly say that I know how truly disappointed you must be.

    You are a strong chickie and you have that strapping lumberjack by your side, you will get through this and they will get back to you very soon with an equally capable surgeon and surgery date.

    However, let your guard down, cry, scream, shout, stamp, get it all out of your system and then paint the smile back on and start all over again.

    I haven't been around much lately V, work is tough and getting tougher. I don't have a fraction of the spiney problems that you have but you have always made time for us and I want to be there for you to return the favour.

    I know you have been tired lately but drop me a little nudglet to let me know when you are around - I'm missing our coffee breaks together.

    See I've got my listening head on :B

  • im really missing are coffee mornings 2,we will have 2 change it 2 cocktails in the evening now doof is back to work
    thinking off u v,just think off the guiness and craic we will have when we sort thinks out maybe next year or we will just have 2 come to you lol
  • thoughts are being sent your way! You know that we do all understand your misery and I am so, so sorry to hear of this. try and look at it as a minor setback. Maybe this has all happened for a reason. Maybe there is a much better surgeon out there that is just waiting to take your pain away. It is not the end of the world as it seems, just a very minor setback and I just know that a great surgeon is just around the corner for you. It will work out. Please let us know what they say on Monday.
  • You must have exceptional tenacity lady! Hang in there (I don't know what else to say!) I'll be thinking of you.
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