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Post surgery break up

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:22 AM in Matters of the Heart
I thought I would post here as it seems the most accurate place and people seem so sympathetic and kind - just venting would make me feel a little better

I had a revision L5 S1 Microdiscectomy on 8th July after months of pain which had started at a fairly new stage of my relationship. When I went for my surgery I suggested to my boyfriend that we split up as I couldnt bear it if we ended up breaking up while I was ill (it happened to me with a previous partner during my first microdiscectomy so I knew I couldnt do it again). He said he loved me and whatever happened we would face it together. When I was in hospital I asked him not to come and see me as I wanted to concentrate on my recovery (it was only a week) but he came up after and things seemed ok - maybe a little rocky on reflection but...I came out of hospital but suffered greatly with a vestibular infection and nerve pain so was re-admitted to hospital end of July as an emergency.

So anyway - after all this - my boyfriend dumps me by phone on the 4th August when I was in hospital saying he is going travelling in a year and needs to save up and so cannot keep coming up on the train to see me. After that he cut me out and behaved very cruelly - not texting or calling despite the fact he knew I was in hospital, saying he wanted to come and see me then changing his mind etc. It devastated me particularly as it seemed like he became a different person. Then two days ago on our anniversary he texts me again and again saying how he misses me and us and like an idiot I text back and he says perhaps we should see each other (I am out of hospital but still in a lot of nerve pain and at home mostly). Then yesterday he goes back to being cruel and unpleasant - saying he misses me but that doesnt mean he doesnt want us to go back to being us. I feel like my heart has been messed with all over again. =((

Its so hard for me to talk to people like my family and friends about this - my mother wont really let me talk about it as she thinks I should only concentrate on my health (which I am pretty depressed about anyway as being in pain still after my surgery has made me scared and sad) and my friends think I should forget about it and move on. Its hard tho when you loved someone and thought they loved you. Its just another pain to add to the rest. And its not like I can go out and try and forget about it or think about meeting someone else as my "back future" scares me.

sorry for ranting a bit and posting such a long message - i have just found this site so useful over the last week since I found it

thanks for listening




  • :) i don't know if you have been welcomed as a newcomer yet but i want to say hi and welcome to the forum! we are here to offer you support and answer what questions we can.this is the perfect place to come and vent all you want. it really can make you feel better! i am sorry your relationship has not gone the way you wanted. perhaps that will change with time. good luck in your endeavors. Jenny :)
  • So sorry to hear about your relationship ending And about your pain problem. I am so sad for you and hope that you will begin to have some relief from your pain. The relationship thing really stinks and I hope that you can find the gumption (balls perhaps) to not respond to any more of his texts or calls. He doesn't deserve to have such a caring woman like yourself. You tried to let him get out of the relationship in an easier way and he chose not to. Not everyone would have handled it that way. To come back and end the relationship when you are down and in so much pain is just cruel! You might not be able to look for your Mr. Right today or even tomorrow, but he is out there, waiting for you to get better so you can start a life together. YOU CAN DO IT!
    Take care and keep coming to these boards. There are so many people that can be helpful to you! ">image
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  • Sorry to hear about your rocky road. Only thing I can say is that you have to live in today.

  • thank you all for the kind welcome. :H

    Jenny - I have found the site immensely useful - you always feel so alone when you have constant pain because unless people have been there they cant really understand

    Terrie - you are right - no more answering calls or texts. I only have myself to blame for being weak and thinking he might have changed :(

    I will try and live in today - just sometimes it gets a bit painful and makes me yearn for yesterday and my old life! But I am sure I will get through it with time - and meds!!

    as always the weekends are very hard - before my surgery I was very social - working, going out and having fun (i am 33) but I feel like I have been caged. I cant go back to work - and they are not paying me (a nice touch) so I worry about that a lot too. Also - as I noticed other people mentioning here - you realise who your real friends are at times like these when the not so good ones disappear. :<

    but thank you guys for listening and welcoming me

  • hi nicola,
    i have just read your post and i feel so emotional for you.
    try to keep smiling,as you have enough to deal with. stress will only had to your pain.

    angie x
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  • Nicola,

    I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended so badly. It seems that problems like ours are likely to test relationships to their limits and many just don't survive it. It's not only romantic relationshps either; friendships take the hit too. It took me a long time to reach some understanding of why this happens but I think I'm getting there.

    You've gotten some great advise here. Focus only on you and try to keep him and his negative energy away for the time being. It's had, boy is it hard, but stress will interfere with your healing and right now you're the only thing that's important. You deserve to heal in peace!

    Cyber hugs for you lady. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. We're here for you no matter what!

  • Nicola, I'm sorry, like other respondents, that you went through this nonsense. All I can say is, a lot of people are weaker than they would like to admit.

    If it makes you feel any better, I had all but given up on ever finding anyone to partner with (I am 54), when I met a man who himself has had some aneurysms and takes ongoing blood-thinners and so on for that, so he understands some of the stuff that goes with a serious chronic illness. He is so supportive of me, and is coming to Mayo for my surgery next week. I am extremely fond of him and hope this relationship just goes on and on and on.

    I've gone through all the losing friends and not being datable due to my disability, and have just come to accept that this is the way it is. There are a very small number of people out there who can relate. But the good news is, there ARE SOME!

    Just get well for now, but try to avoid negative predictions like "I will never find someone to love me." If a crippled overweight lady like me could do it, it can happen to you.

    Good luck with your recovery and with your love life! Don't give up hope.

  • I only just had a chance to log in and see these responses and they really made me feel very emotional. thank you for taking the time to reply and give such heartfelt advise and perspectives. Its so hard feeling physically and emotionally traumatised - but I do try and stay positive and not think about him too much. I know I should move on - but its proving harder than I thought.

    your words do mean a lot to me though - when I am feeling low I will read them and draw strength from them.

    fortunately I finally start physio next week to see if it will make any difference to my symptoms so at least I feel like I will have some focus there.

    thank you again Angie, Griff and AnneK. I dont think people can ever understand how much this website provides such support to people like us

  • I am so sorry to hear about the break up. I don't want to repeat everything everyone has had to say on the subject, but DITTO! Concentrate on you now.

    I do want to add one thing, though. I am sure you felt very deeply for this guy and maybe even loved him. But for him to bail on you when you needed him the most? I say good bye to bad rubbish! But, just because I said it does not make it so. Some people just don't know how to behave in the face of adversity. First instinct is to run. Hell, I'D run if I could (I'm too clumsy and trip too much for all that!) Now, that being said, I am sorry if I have upset you. I don't want to add to your burden. I am sure he was a good guy in just about every other way. SO, instead I will say, my thoughts are with you and if you ever want to rant and get things off your chest (long stories or short - I care not) feel free to PM me. This forum is a great place to vent, laugh and cry and be informed on any number of issues.

    Best wishes to you with your treatment. Keep us posted on your progress!

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