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Fears...they are snowballing tonight

im trying to stop crying as I type this. I’ve been off work and spent most of the last two months alone. I think that has finally caused me to crack. I’ve been doing really well and have been positive for the most part. This evening I let my fear take control of me. I’m 28 and some of my doctors tell me to avoid getting a fusion and others tell me to go ahead and get it done. I’ve had 4 microdiscectomies at 2 levels. I’m ready to stop having redo surgeries and hopefully get relief from a fusion. I’m afraid of new chronic pain afterwards, failed back surgery syndrome, adjacent disc disease, more surgeries. I’m afraid to put it off if it really could have a positive outcome. I could get a spinal cord stimulator and maybe I’d be happy with that. I’m afraid of losing my job down the line if I need surgery. Also afraid I won’t find a person to share my life with because of my back issues. I could keep going with all my fears up until the again of 80 honestly. My mom has a chronic illness and I fear she will die before she ever sees me happy or starting a family. What if I couldn’t be the mother I’d want to be because of my back? 

I know I’m snowballing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will feel differently. I’ve got a counselor and support. I guess tonight I just needed to get the nightmares out of my head before I go to bed. 

25 years old: Herniated L4-L5, L5-S1 December 2008. L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2010. L5-S1 microdiscectomy March 2012. Redo L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2013. Redo microdiscectomy Oct 2015.
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1

Comments

  • nutcase007nnutcase007 United StatesPosts: 947

    @SpineyKD23 - I cry with you.  I hope that writing your fears in this thread gives you temporary "grief release" and that you can get some quality of sleep tonight.  We are here on this site to be of support for you.  Please keep writing.  Being emotionally alone is one of the worst things I can do to myself. 

  • Spiney, To begin with try and relax and know your not alone! I know it’s easy for someone to say that but fear is a part of worrying about the unknown which hasn’t happened. You’ve listed several things in your short post that I know your scared, worried, things that are not even in your control at the moment. Your worried about the future! No one here knows what their future holds. So never worry about what you can’t control. When is your next appointment with your counselor? Please talk with them and express all your fears to them. We as spineys all know tomorrow will change your outlook, We all share a common thing with the “ what if’s “ and most importantly, know your NOT alone! You have a lot of members here at all times that have a lot in common with you! We understand your fears! Try and relax, get some sleep and know tomorrow will be better! If you need to talk, know there is usually someone here at all times!....David

    DavidG

    Veritas-Health Forum Moderator

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  • I try not to allow external things to determine my happiness or lack thereof. IMO too much pressure is placed on people to have their source of happiness be dependent on other people or situations we can’t control. I look at all things as being temporal and that’s what helps me.

  • Jerome001Jerome001 Cocoa Beach, FloridaPosts: 377

    The unknowns can easily be overwhelming. There are quite a few people on this forum that are around your age. Some have had fusion surgery and others have not. I trust you can find those people and their experiences here - I'm not a search expert but I imagine our moderators can show you the way. Whatever you decide and whatever happens, as others noted, you have like minded compassionate people on this forum and we will support you however we can. Wishing you the best, Jerome

  • Spiney

    So how is today?

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod
    erator

    Welcome to Spine-Health

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  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 6,473

    I too was wondering how you have been the last couple of days.

    Sandra
    Veritas-Health Forum Moderator
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my  Medical History
  • SpineyKD23SSpineyKD23 IllinoisPosts: 97

    William and Sandra,

    Thank you for checking in on me. I’ve had more good days recently than bad. Some extended Family are here from far away so that has been enjoyable. I still find myself getting frustrated when I can’t participate in some of the activities with them, but I try to remember that my current condition is temporary. I feel more level headed, but still nervous about making the decision whether surgery can be postponed or not.

    25 years old: Herniated L4-L5, L5-S1 December 2008. L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2010. L5-S1 microdiscectomy March 2012. Redo L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2013. Redo microdiscectomy Oct 2015.
  • Good to hear from you and that there were good days you embraced! Keep on the good track and god luck on your decision!

    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod
    erator

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • memerainboltmemerainbolt IndianaPosts: 6,473

    Thank you for the update that at least you have had good days. Stay positive and listen to your body about surgery. It will tell you

    Take care and keep us posted.

    Sandra
    Veritas-Health Forum Moderator
    ---------------------------------------------------------------
    Please read my  Medical History
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,584

    Kate,

    How are things going.  I know you are having good and bad days and it seems like there are more bad ones.

    What is the status regarding your surgery?  I know you said the surgeon wanted you to lose some weight before performing the surgery.  How does that stand right now?

    I know that you have been suffering for a number of years.  I remember when you posting daily a few years ago.   I know that you were dealing with a lot of physical pain, but you seemed overall able to handle everything emotionally.

    This time, I get the feeling that all the physical pain has gotten to you emotionally.  And you are not as strong as you were before (emotionally) to handle everything.

    I hope that you are seeing someone to help you with all these emotions.,   Its very difficult, almost impossible to do it on your own.   We can offer an amount of virtual support and you know we are there for you when we can be

    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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