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im trying to stop crying as I type this. I’ve been off work and spent most of the last two months alone. I think that has finally caused me to crack. I’ve been doing really well and have been positive for the most part. This evening I let my fear take control of me. I’m 28 and some of my doctors tell me to avoid getting a fusion and others tell me to go ahead and get it done. I’ve had 4 microdiscectomies at 2 levels. I’m ready to stop having redo surgeries and hopefully get relief from a fusion. I’m afraid of new chronic pain afterwards, failed back surgery syndrome, adjacent disc disease, more surgeries. I’m afraid to put it off if it really could have a positive outcome. I could get a spinal cord stimulator and maybe I’d be happy with that. I’m afraid of losing my job down the line if I need surgery. Also afraid I won’t find a person to share my life with because of my back issues. I could keep going with all my fears up until the again of 80 honestly. My mom has a chronic illness and I fear she will die before she ever sees me happy or starting a family. What if I couldn’t be the mother I’d want to be because of my back?
I know I’m snowballing. Tomorrow is a new day and I will feel differently. I’ve got a counselor and support. I guess tonight I just needed to get the nightmares out of my head before I go to bed.