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Long long journal entry - Depressed/suicidal/losing hope and my faith

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,578
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:23 AM in Depression and Coping
Below is a journal entry I typed just the other day. This whole entry is incredibly long so read it when you have some time. It is me venting and it is showing the frustration/sadness/hopelessness I feel on a daily basis so much so that I am considering suicide. I have basically lost the will to live but I am afraid of the consequences of suicide. If you have any answers or advice I could sure use some. I realize this entry is a lot and is very deep so it may be overwhelming. That is exactly how I am feeling. A good portion of it is describing my spirituality and my weakening faith. I am really like so many of you looking for hope and struggling with my life every day. I feel like I am at the end of my rope and still no hope/relief comes. I am sure this will be evident in this long journal entry.

Rest of the topic was deleted because of foul language
Ron DiLauro, Spine-Health Administrator, 09/08/08


  • I'm a firm believer in the support of anyone and everyone that comes to Spine Health asking for help. Well I may get bumped for this post, but I think it's worth the risk.

    You need to get over yourself.

    27 and in the military and having a back that they haven't tried to med board you for by now, says a lot.

    All surgeons say that they will give you 50-50 odds on surgery helping. It's been that way for a long time.

    Yes there have been HUGE new advances in neurosurgery over the last 20 years, heck even 10 years and I guarantee there will be even more in the next 10-20 years.

    If you want to get the military to help you out with your health care, you have to help motivate them. You yourself have to be your own advocate. At most bases the neurosurgeons are simply trained in structural repair of the spine. If you need something more than that there are specialized clinics in several military hospitals that you can be referred to.

    You can even be referred to a specialized civilian clinic. The key is to motivate your docs to give you that referral.

    When you feel all doom and gloom like you are, it projects into all that you do and say. It's hard to motivate others to help you if the message you're sending out is "I'm Screwed".

    It's great that you have the capacity to think "globally" and ponder and contemplate. That shows that you also have the ability to help yourself, and to work with others.

    I was told a long time ago, that if you want sympathy, look it up in the dictionary. You'll find it between shit and syphallus.

    I apologize to the Mods and other members that this might offend, but what more can I say.

    Oh... Welcome to Spine Health.


    P.S. I am reitred military receiving great cutting edge treatment from military treatment facilities in the US and overseas
  • Dear Hand,
    I haven't been able to read the whole thing, I got maybe halfway, but I really don't need to. I already understand most of where you are coming from. With the exception of my childhood, which was great, and having plenty of freinds in the past. (I was the "popular" girl) Not that any of that makes a difference in the present. Because of my own health issues I no longer have any friends, they deserted me while I was still in the hospital. They act as if being disabled is a disease! I can understand the pain and misery that you are going through because I have been dealing with it since 1999. I haven't been able to sleep in my bed in over 7 years due to the pain, I am horribly sleep deprived, my memory is screwed up, all of the things that you mentioned above that you can no longer do? I haven't been able to do them in years! I live a very lonely, small life. I rarely even see the sun anymore! I am on SSD because I haven't been able to hold down any type of job in over 7 years. Luckily I do have a husband who has been incredibly understanding and has been there for me through it all. But he also "get's" me because he needed a hip replacement for over 20 years and his pain was excruciating. He finally had his surgery 2 years ago and luckily is much better now. I'm on Oxycontin and stay at a level 8 on the pain scale, and it sometimes rises to a 9. Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. And yes, I will admit that I have had frequent suicidal thoughs too. But that IS NOT the answer! There are so many people on this board who have fought for years dealing with there pain and I'm going to assume the same thought has crossed their minds too, from time to time. But they are still here just as I am. I'm not going to give up hope for my future! I'm going to continue to go on, and look for more ways to help control the pain. And hopefully in my future I will finally find the "right" surgeon who can do something about my problems and give me back some quality of life. Yes, my house is messy too, very messy! I could go on and on where we have the same problems but that is not what you need. What you DO need is some mental health help to get you out of the terrible funk that you are in. First off, I would like to know if you are being treated with anti-depressants? You need to be put on at least one and maybe even two different ones. Your doc should be looking to find what works best for you. Next, you need to stay on this board and reach out for the support that you need from others who can understand, like most of us on here. You also may need to start thinking a bit more about going on disibility until some of your health issues can be resolved or at least made better. I would suggest that you hire a SSD attorney if you are turned down for it one time, they can give you a hard time and watse a few years of your life. You don't need that and it only adds to the stress, An attorney is only allowed a certain percentage of your backpay, you do not have to pay up front and his/her fee will come out of the first backpay check that you recieve. This makes the entire process so much easier and less stressful!

    Everyday single day when I take my first dosage of pain med's I have to wait for 30 minutes before I can even begin to think about getting up and going to the restroom or getting something to drink. There have been more days than not where I have had to sit for up to 4 hours before I've gotten the nerve to get up. Believe me, you can get pretty thirsty or have to go to the restrrom pretty bad by then! When my husband is home he waits on me hand and foot. He now has to do the laundry, clean the house, shop, pay the bills, etc.. And he works away from home for months at the time during the spring and summer. I'm left alone during this time and then everything begins to fall apart. You are not alone! I could tell you so many things that make my kife difficult or how severe the pain is. But I would prefer to help you find a better way of coping. I can't remember if you mentioned any pain med's that you are on and what kind. Also, have you tried any PT? What about swimming? If you have access to a swiiming pool, that is the best way to get some excercise and also, just to lay on a raft and float makes me completely pain free. When I do that I have 0 pain, that is the only time. I'm also looking into a new bed that is called the SAT bed. Some health insurnce co's will help to pay for this bed, it's so good that it is the ONLY one that insurnace will help to cover. It's widely used in hospitals and they make queen and I think King size versions. If you want any info on this just send me a pm and I will give you the web site info. Since I can't sit for very long also, and my computer has been having problems in sending the longer messages, I had better stop here. If you want to chat, vent, or have any questions, feel free to pm me anytime.
    Things will get better!
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  • i would object to the foul language you used.....
  • Back pain and cancer can't be compared, IMHO. At the age of 20 I started getting abnormal cells, 7 operations later, they found a large tumor in my uterus. At 22 I had cervical and uterine cancer and had a hysderectomy, and now have to get screened twice a year because I am high risk ovarion and colon cancer.

    At 28 I am having problems with my back, severe pain every day with no end in sight. My doctor has said I will be a chronic pain patient the rest of my life.

    I will take this pain every day for the next 70 years if it means I will be cancer free. It was/is so scary to know that I might not see my kids next birthday, or know my grandkids. Everyday, despite the fact that it is not pain free, is a blessing.

    I understand the frustration of being so young and facing this, possibly, the rest of your life. Keep in mind, you never know what medical advances will happen.

    My best advise is, don't let life defeat you. Get out of bed, force yourself to go out and do what you can, enjoy people and the joy they bring to your life. It's amazing what that can do for your mental well being, which in turn, can make the pain bearable.
  • That was a beautiful and courageous response. I admire and salute your steadfast love of life in defying the pain you have to deal with. I especially liked the story about floating on water. What a great metaphor, as I am sure we all wish we could float away in a painless Nirvana. But at least you have found a way to do it for a little while at least here in mortal lands.


    Thank you for encouraging somebody who clearly is reaching out. Yours was a soft touch to some of the tough live dished out here. It's all good and all appreciated.

    God bless.

    Cheers, Mate
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  • You said;

    "Heal me and that will strengthen my faith and be a great start. If I am suffering and I go to a man and he helps my suffering will I not develop a stronger relationship and belief in him? Will I not be more likely to approach him the next time something goes wrong? I may not have believed or known initially but because of that mans desire to help me regardless of what I believed initially in the long wrong it strengthens my relationship and belief in him. Maybe I am weird and am the only one who thinks that way."

    Well no Chris,it doesn't work that way.You know that tree that is barren,and you keep going back and it is barren? It is because you have to plant the seed where it will grow,in the dirt,not the rock.

    I like the way you write,and you have a great mind.If you use all of that energy and time thinking positive instead of negative you will have your fruit.You will still have your pain,but it will be bearable.

    I am past your 'mean age' of 46.6.I just turned 48 and I have had surgeries in the double digits.Rods in my heels,all of my metatarsal heads have been removed and bones fused back together in my feet,left foot 3 times right foot 4.I have CDDD and I'm up to #8 on your scorecard,but according to you I am one of the lucky ones.
    Well,your right,I am lucky because I'm pretty happy...but I have been depressed before and I have questioned things before so I think I understand a little of how you feel.

    Go for a walk before summer is gone.
    Get some sun on your face.
    Call an old friend.
    Smile to a stranger.
    ..or just smile to the person in the mirror.
    Give yourself a pat on the back for what I think is the longest post here on S-H...and the only one that took me through a string of emotions...but I think it will be edited for language... :)
  • well, i cant say anything else that hasnt already been said. most of us have been in your position. mine was when my hubby insisted on the antidepressant. when i acclimated to the med it made thinking alot better. i had surgery despite the 50/50 odds because i was not going to live life in that kind of pain. i had to gamble and it worked. i am still in pain BUT i have a life that i can participate in . hagland c also has a spinal cord stimulator. i have been given the option but i chickened out . i chose to defer it until later. my choice. there are options. please use them. the only thing else i can say is that i am sending you all the hugs you can stand. we are here for you to gripe and send thoughts of all calipers. we understand. God Bless ,
    >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Hi Chris, That's my husband and Sons name. My name is Amanda. I too am 27 years old. I have to be honest in saying that I did not read your entire post. It was very long, I think I made it 1/3 through. I come here when I can sneak away for a minute (I stay home with my son) I will finish reading, but till then, I would like to say something.

    I too was abused as a child. Physically, Mentally, Sexually, you name it, somewhere in my life I dealt with it. But I cannot allow my past to control my future.

    I have been told by doctors that there is nothing they can do for my back pain. I am not a candidate for surgery. Its all PT and Meds for me all the way. If thats what I have to do, to be able to play ball with my son, then dammit that's what I'm gonna do.

    I get down a lot. Before my son was born, I too felt the wheel of my car turning into oncoming traffic. I couldn't stand the idea of who I would hurt in the process, and didn't go through with it.

    I am glad to see that you are paying attention to your feelings. What you should know is that it is ok to feel this way. Your feelings are all you have in this world that are truly yours. You have a god given right to feel them. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.

    I think that you need to take your mind off of the negative. You will never have a chance at happiness, If you can't see the so called forest for the trees.

    Take a minute from your day. Look around you. Look at what you do have... Even if its nothing, there is so much beauty in this world. All too often we forget to remember that.

    I will write more, next time, after I have read more.

    XXOO from a friend
  • Hello again. I finally finished reading your post. I feel that you have a real talent for writing. All of us here are suffering in our own ways. No one person more than any other. We all have trouble with our faith at times. We all feel as if we got the short straw. I'm sure at one point we all have had thoughts of suicide.

    As to your questions of faith, I believe that no religion is the "right" one. I find it hard to believe, that a child born in Pakistan, who is raised Muslim, and has never known anything else, will be sent to hell for her beliefs. How could only one group of people be right, and the rest of the world be so wrong? The way I see it, different religions are a little like the squirrel story from the movie "Fools Rush In"

    "...my father told me about a family of
    squirrels that lived on the plateau. He said that one day the canyon split. Half the squirrels were on the north rim... and the other half on the south. Over time, the two families became different. Each one adjusted to their environment. The ones to the north are dark, bushy-tailed, and have bigger ears. The ones to the south are leaner, meaner and much prettier. Even though they look different and they act different... they are the exact same squirrel. They just grew up on different sides. And this canyon between them... will they be able to cross it?"

    Maybe it all started in one place. One god, or a hundred. And after thousands of years, and miles of separation, each religion has "adapted" to fit the circumstances of that particular group. I refuse to get into any arguments on religion, please know that this is only my belief.

    You talk about your dreams of a family. The way you felt when you got a giggle from that pretty girl. I don't know you, but I am sure there are lots of pretty girls who would like to spend time with you. Maybe you should go back to one of those places, and talk to one of those "pretty girls"

    Chris, you cannot let your disease define you. Let go of the negative, or you will never be happy. You will never feel complete. If the world were going to end tomorrow, how would you want to spend your last day? Personally, I'd like to have as much fun and happiness I could find in one day.

    You have such strong feelings about your condition. You mentioned the lack of studies being done for people like us. I think that you would make a great advocate. You should write a book, you are a great writer. You should start an organization. I am sure there are many others who feel the same way as you do. It took years to get any attention to Autism. Autism awareness is everywhere now. Maybe we could start the "spine health awareness" movement. I think you are the perfect person to get things rolling... Just a thought.

    Please feel free to PM me anytime. I am always here to listen.

  • thanks for all the hugs
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