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Kinda bummed and surprised

downinmyheartddowninmyheart Posts: 497
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
I am in line for a possible disk replacement at one level and fusion at another. This would be done via a study. I am lucky if I can get on with this group. All medical expenses will be paid, but way beyond that on the cool scale is the fact that this doctor has been doing disc replacements for years in Europe, even multi-level with success. So , needless to say I would like to try this before a two level fusion.

I am bummed because of my father's opinion on the subject. My dad has had two back surgeries. I asked him which ones, but I don't think he paid much attention to titles. I am pretty sure that he had a discectomy and then a laminectomy about 2 years apart from each other, about 10 years ago. He states that he is in bad pain now and he is adamantly against surgery of any kind. He is of course allowed his opinion and I can respect that.

He was traveling through town tonight and so we met up at my sister's house for dinner. I was talking with the group about the possibility of this disc replacement surgery when he got upset. He basically said "no offense, but you don't know what pain is. You are too young to know real pain."

This really offended me. You would think that out of all of my family members he would be the one to commiserate or sympathize. Nope, not at all.

I told him that I was highly offended and walked out so I could cool off. I returned and told him I love him, but I no longer value his opinion on my spine health since he is obviously closed minded about it and that I no longer wished to discuss this "sore" subject. Yeah, I am a little bit of a smart a$$.

I really does hurt my feelings for him to say this though. I am going to just know that he is limited by his thought, and that his thought tells him that this won't be good for me. I am going to love him through and in spite of his ignorance.

Thank all of you for being here. I am so very grateful for your presence. Thanks for reading.

One Love,



  • I think you are smart to be checking out the disc replacement before doing a fusion.

    As a parent, I understand your Dad's feelings. He is worried about you, and after going through 2 surgeries, he probably doesn't want to see you go through the the same things. Spine surgery is difficult. from your signature it looks like you have gone through so much already.

    When your dad said you are too young to know real pain, I can see how you would be offended by this, but try to let it go. I hope I can say this right, but as I have gone through different things, I see how I can handle pain better than the time before. It is like when you are young and you sprain your ankle, the tears flow, and yes it hurts. Later you get a broken leg, and comparing the pain of the broken leg to the ankle makes the ankle seem trivial. Our threshhold and tolerance for pain grows the more we experience it. Maybe that is what your dad was trying to say.

    Your pain is real, so don't let it worry you. No one understands our pain completely because we all handle things differently.

    Gentle hugs coming your way, Cindy

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
  • I really appreciate your response.

    One Love,

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  • is really trying to look out for you and not communicating it well. I myself would have to advise my son strongly against either surgery if it were the case that he was thinking of it and he is 28 years old. My doc has told me that the ADR has not been perfected yet and has a long way to go. My personal opinion is (and everyone is different) that I will wait as long as possible for any more surgery hopeful that advancements in the field will offer better odds of success. Good luck to you on whatever path that you take.
  • your Dad has a hard time communicating, it feels to me like he is trying to say "are you in that much pain that you really need this NOW?" As the others said he is just trying to look after you and I applaud you for not getting ratty on him for his ways.
    And it doesn't mean he wont support you if you do have it done, just that he wants you to question are you ready for it.

    My Dad was the opposite. I was in shock when I heard I needed a 3 level fusion as I wasn't expecting to hear I needed surgery at all. I phoned my dad (he sufferes from deep depression) and told him and he said "that's nice" :jawdrop: I think I fully expected him to ask a million question then get on the phone to the Dr as he would have done before he got depression. As it turned out he was there for me the whole way through. :) but I did have to get over the extra shock of his reaction.

    Blessings Sara O:)
  • it sounds like u have done your research for this procedure and are willing to take the risks. as we all know any surgery comes with risks and no guarentee. it is a real plus to have your surgery done free of charge, there not cheap as my was $$$,$$$.$$ and alot of co-pay. family support is so very important and i pray u and your dad can reach a understanding about these issues. i know for myself pain is pain and i dont get into discussions about whos pain is the worse. good luck to u.
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  • there is no room in a family for 2 sick peeps and that may be why he has reacted like this??

    With scant regard for you or your pain how on earth would he know?

    Anway, does he get lots of attention from his back/ illness? Perhaps he doesn't want to compete with you?

    Just a thought.
    I am sorry you don't need agro on top of all this. You are lucky to be offered a place on a study group.
  • But I love him anyway. I know at my deepest level that he only means to protect me. That is what I meant when I said that he can only use his thoughts and they are limited by his own beliefs.

    He did apologize in his own way. And, his protest just encourages me to research more and make sure that I am making the best decision for me.

    Thank you for your encouragement and support. I greatly appreciate it!

    One Love,

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,552
    of his comments. Not wanting their child to go through surgery. To some degree I think all parents would feel that way. But of course, we all have to understand the situations about the surgery. Having 7 spinal surgeries myself, I always tell people that before you have surgery make sure you have tried all the conservative methods first. Then when you have exhausted all of those, you know that surgery is the right thing to do.
    And that goes for ANY age, young or old.

    Now as far as your Dad saying you were too young to have that pain, I wish I could come up with some philosophical statement on why a parent would do that, but I can't
    Pain has not and will never discriminate regarding age.

    Stephanie, you are doing the research for your surgery, which is good. You are upset with your Dad, which would be normal, but you also understand, which is even better.

    I am wishing the best for you. In your dealings with your father and for everything going perfect in terms of your upcoming surgical procedure
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • And all the rest of you, for taking the time to listen and respond to by whinging.

    I really do appreciate it!!!!! Now, it's your turn.


    One Love,

  • I understand your hurt feelings. I was talking on the phone with my brother and told him that I had to have ACDF 3-lvl surgery and this is what he said "Really? Well, you'll be fine. You're in God's hands." Then he said he had to go and hung up.

    My husband wanted to give him a piece of his mind :))( But, decided against it. We had to go to a party at my brother's house a week later and interestingly, he was outside with my husband and asked him all sorts of questions about my surgery and wanted to know everything.

    I think that some people (it seems men in particular) find it uncomfortable to be in a position where comforting words are needed. They want the information, but if they can't fix it, it's too uncomfortable to face.

    Take care Stephanie and good luck.
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