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Steve's Friday Funnies

stevebssteveb Posts: 95
edited 06/11/2012 - 7:26 AM in Lighten and Brighten
Several years have gone by since I started my blog/thread on the old message board. In that thread, I always posted a Friday funny, mostly to entertain my fellow BP sufferers, but also to entice people to read my incoherent ramblings. I guess I will continue the tradition, but only include funnies.

If anyone else has a funny they would like to share, please feel free to add them. One can never laugh enough. Here is the first edition:

A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day they went to
her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they fell asleep and
woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told
his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and
dirt. He put on his
shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his
wife demanded. "I can't
lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary. We had
sex all afternoon." "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"
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Comments

  • he got off lucky, didn't he?! :jawdrop:
  • Why did the blonde climb the chain link fence?

    To see what was on the other side.
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  • Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.

    Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
    please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The first officer is stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too
  • Thanks for the chuckles.
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  • A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

    The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

    "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

    The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

    The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

    The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
  • Yeah, it's good to be "discreet"... And know everything you possibly can about your "intended's" family!

    Thanks for the laughs, Steve!

    Jeaux
  • The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."








    (keep going)






    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
    bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
    want a bed near the window?"
  • When girls don't put out!!
    This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor!

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

    I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
  • I come here every Friday looking for my weekly dose of funny.

    Got any rabbits left in your bag of goodies you can share with us? Laughter may not be the BEST medicine, but it sure is a close second!

    Jejaux
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