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Marriage and Back Pain

tabitha561ttabitha561 Posts: 1
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:42 AM in Matters of the Heart
First let me tell you I have been with my husband for over 4 years and I love him very much. He is the one with chronic back pain 24/7 hours a day. About 7 years ago he got ran over doing road work,He broke his spine in 3 places, and had extensive nerve damage. They tried to fix L3 and L4 but the doctor told him that he had degentative disc disease. He also a broke sacrum and S1 messed up. Believe it or not he still works he refuses not to. He takes extensive medications. I mostly worry about our future because I'm very afraid in 15 years that he will be a wheel chair, or even worse. :S One big thing is our sex life has def suffered from his back problems.Another big problem is that most of the time he hates it when I touch him because of all the nerve damage he says that it feels like needles going up him.My first question is how do we boost up our sex life with someone that has a very bad back? My second question is how do you deal with the problems of everyday marriage and on top of having back problems?


  • first i want to say hi and welcome you to the forum! :H your husband is so lucky to have you by his side. :X it is not easy by any means to partner with a pain patient..please feel free to use us as much for yourself as for your husband. we are here for you as well!! :D as far as a sex life, touching is a big part of my husband and our 30 year relationship. i have had pain all that time, so sex has always been difficult.we snuggle when we can, touch hands, rub backs, things like that. they can be sensual and sexual when you put your mind to it. :X adding pain medication may help as well. as far as the problems of everyday marriage, that is a whole book. one thing that helps us alot is really a " time out." pain can distort things so much that often times i just need time to think clearly, let the pain subside and then go on with the day.. and the marriage!! i hope that helps a little bit. good luck to you and feel free to pm me anytime. Jenny :)
  • hi and welcome to the forum.when i met my wife 13 years ago i was about 6 months post op .and our sex life was fantastic .over the years things change in any relationship the thing is to go with it life is not all about sex .i am unable to have sex now due to nerve damage and even if i could i would not want to because i am in pain all the time and i dont feel comfy crawling all over my wife if you know what i mean!! i understand how your husband feels and one of the things he will be feeling is the fear of loosing you .we all do it {men that is } but as he is disabled he will be afraid that he will lose you to a none disable man ..this is something i fear even though my wife says she would never do that i do thing about it ...the only advice i can give you is to support him and be there as having back pain 24/7 is soul destroying ,
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  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,562

    for a spine-health site introduction, click on :

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    check the various tabs at the top of the spine-health page and you will find so much that is offered here.

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    spinal marriages

    this can always been a very delicate situation. many spinal patients are embarrassed to bring this up with their doctors, but it is important.

    first let me start of by saying that the emotional and physical bond between husband and wife many times can go beyond the pure physical act of sex. a gentle touch, a hug, embracing can also be acts of love.

    its difficult to say when the time is right for having physical sex. that is something that should really be discussed with your doctors. many times there are physiological concerns for both parties. one, can i do it, will it hurt, then for the other partner, i dont want to him him/her, etc. it is a very important topic that both parties need to have open discussions about. the worse thing that can happen is to allow a situation like this to continue without discussing it.

    what is it going to be like, 10,15, 20 years from now? that is such an open question and has so many variables.

    i can speak from my own personal experience, because those 10,15,20 years have past.
    there is no question that over time spinal problems can have long term impacts. the single most important thing is to do everything that the doctor has told you to do. the correct exercises, the proper diet, knowing your restrictions and adhering to them. i know if i had done all of those, i would not have had all those additional surgeries.

    yes, i live with chronic pain every day, but i find ways to do the best that i can considering the situation.

    a positive outlook from both of you is so very important. but it also needs to be realistic. putting something aside because neither of you want to discuss it, will not help.

    best of luck to the both of you
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • Hello everyone. I am new to this forum and am learning quite a bit already. My wife and I met after I had already started to have chronic back pain. Going on 20 years now. I have learned to live through the pain. Early in our marriage I did not tell her of some of the pain I was in while having sex. I always just got into the most comfortable position and tried to work with it. But afterwards the cuddling was always limited due to the fact I was now hurting. Well as was mentioned in another posting, I finally told my wife why things happen they way they do. This is a double edged sword. One she now realizes the extent of my pain and we will find other avenues to show passion. The other is she is less likely to make advancement out of fear of hurting me. I am going in for injections tomorrow and hopefully the pain will subside because we are going to Budapest and Prague in May and hopefully will rekindle that flame. But as I ramble on the point is this, that love will find a way through when physical contact may not be available as often as we would like.
  • I am kinda on the other side of this, being the one in pain, and trying to reconcile fully with my daughter's father. I think it is great & he is a very lucky man to have a wife who is aware enough to realize the difficulties, and cares enough to try & overcome them. I'm no expert, but I think just understanding & acceptance (or at least trying) is a huge, huge part. I also think a lot of us in constant pain with less than functional bodies have a huge fear of being cast aside by our partners, deemed too much trouble & burden, not enough sunshine & roses. It's hard because you're in the position of not being able to be as physical as you'd like, yet tend to be emotionally drained from it too so emotional connection is tough to initiate. For me at least, it has helped if he lets ME initiate anything physical, even cuddling because the pressure of another's body against you can hurt so bad. Being aware of "pain boundaries" and feeling ok about speaking up, like that. With the emotional, if HE didn't initiate I probably never would 'cuz I'm hanging by a string there as it is, and don't want to add to it by broaching stuff (isolating, I know) but if he, in a good way, brings it up I &* we always feel better after. I hope some of this helps, and best luck to you both!
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