Hi to all my fellow spineys,
I decided that its finally time to reach out for some support. I have something to discuss that I really have been ashamed to bring up previously.
As you might know, I had a 2nd discectomy with a laminectomy at the end of January. I'm a nurse and I lost my job at the end of Feb. I'm feeling down today with lots of thoughts flying through my head. I'm still waiting for a call back about a potential job that I interviewed for but also received distressing news from my former employer. I reapplied for a job in a different department and was told I would not be granted an interview. I am still dealing with a decent amount of pain, still taking my Aleve and Zanaflex everyday but doing better with not needing so much Percocet. Basically, that sums up some of my depression and anxiety: no job, still have a bit of pain (not the results I expected) and waiting for call backs for other jobs I have applied for with different companies.
My shame lies in my partner who is supposed to be my support but I feel like I'm the one supporting him. Financially & emotionally. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and has previously abused drugs in the past. I met him a year after my back surgery and didn't realize the extent of his problem until I had my liver surgery last summer. At that time I was having anxiety problems related to his partying ways while I was recovering from surgery and my doc gave me some Xanax. My sister caught my BF stealing those pills and I kicked him out. We had a sit down almost intervention-like event with his friends and he straightened up his act. Weeks later, I caught him digging through my purse (in my car trunk) while he was drunk and he was stealing my Vicodin pills. He also admitted that he had taken all the Percocet that I had on hand as well. Out the door he went again. Again I let him back into my life and then my back problems started again a month after the 2nd incident. At that point I also stopped taking Ambien because he would find those too and leave me with none (I switched to melatonin).
When my back problems started again, I was extremely stressed in trying to hide my meds in different areas of my house, constantly moving them. He reassured me again and again that he would never touch them because he knew he'd be out the door and we would be done. A friend had previously suggested a lock box idea and I never would buy one. I guess that would mean that there REALLY was a problem. A month after my back surgery, I finally bought a luggage lock for a jewelry box I have (one that I could set the combo to) as I was almost hurting myself because I finally had resorted to keeping my pills under my mattress. I knew that he wouldn't be able to get to them if I was sleeping on top of them.
On top of the pill mess, he drinks more days than not. On mother's day morning I couldn't take it anymore and left for my mom's house for two nights. I was unable to sleep, knowing that he was partying it up in the living room playing video games with his buddies. If I asked for quiet, there was snickering and rude remarks. I came home a couple of days later and he was apologetic. This past Sunday night I woke up at 1 am and noticed he wasn't home yet from work. While trying to go back to sleep, I heard him come in the house and leave again. I got up and noticed my car keys were gone. I went outside and my car was gone! My BF has no driver's license because he has never gotten it back after his last DUI. He knows that if he is ever caught again he will go to jail for a very very long time. He came back very quickly, he said he just had to go to the store for cigarettes. It was obvious he was drunk. I left the house again in the middle of the night and met a friend for a few hours to talk and have breakfast. He has now been sober for the last 3 days.
I feel like he is sucking the life out of me. I do love him very much but how do you take care of someone else when you, yourself, are still sick? He does nothing but shut-down every time I try to have a serious conversation with him.