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Hi Everyone 3 wks out from total spine fusion revision



  • by strangers who are friends at the same time!!
    I've been so afraid that my "woe is me" complaining was just going to be seen as pity party crap and that's NOT what I mean to do at all.

    It just feels like too much thrown at me - too much for too long and too heavy. Filling out the SSDI forms has been the worst of it right now. A formal, permanent declaration that I am no longer a contributing member of society. Too hard too handle, yet I have to meet the deadline to submit the paperwork. I can't even think about it without dissolving into major tears and upset, which in turn upsets me more - WTH is the matter with me?? Why can't I just get thru all this stupid paperwork and be done with it??

    I actually know the answer, it just doesn't make it any easier. Working for me was an extremely hard earned PRIVELEGE, as both my parents were hard core old world, believeing girls do not need an education and certainly would never, ever go to college or work!! Their ONLY expectation for us was to marry well. I was made to quit shool at 16, as was my younger sister. We were both in our mid to late 20's before we could break away from our mom enough to finish getting our high school diplomas & then start on our own paths (with MUCH resistance from our mom and brothers). After a particulary ugly divorce and un-ending harrassement from my ex (they have laws against that sort of thing now, but they sure didn't way back then!!), I chose to make my very young children come first in my life and worked my way up the job ladder, the hard way, taking one crappy job after another, usually 2, 3 & sometimes even 4 jobs at once, to make ends meet, until I finally landed my dream job: great company, great pay, terrific benefits & best of all, full medical benefits for my kids!! (my sister chose to work her way thru nursing school but she had a husband to take care of their little ones), so we both had a hard way to go of it, but we MADE IT!!! Finacially independent - independent in every way :)

    To this day no one but my sister and I have ANY idea of just HOW much we value our education and our careers.
    And now all that is gone. Blink - gone. Forever. And filling out these forms is an in your face reality check that everything I worked so hard for, all those years, is just.... gone. I can't even stop sobbing long enough to get thru more than 1 or 2 questions at a time on the stack of paperwork. If we could make it without it, I most certainly would!! But we are just barely hanging on financially. The loss of my pay along with the endless medical bills is more than my husbands pay can cover. We've cut everything down to bare bones, I've cashed in my 401K, used up all our savings, you name it. THAT guilt is another story :(

    So there you have it - my current dilemma and major upset. I know that once I can pull it together, and I WILL pull it together, I will feel soooo much better and can put it down and walk away from it. I just have to find some way to get a handle on it long enough to get thru these forms. Things like this don't usually knock me off my pins so easily, it's just the feeling of having my nose rubbed into all the hard facts of just how much I've lost, forever.
    I WILL find other ways to be a productive member of society again, in some way, shape or form, eventually. I'm a long, long way from giving up - that is NOT within me. It's just these stupid forms and swallowing a lot of pride. I'll eventually see that taking a realistic look at my circumstances may turn out to be a good thing. Eventually.

    Thank you SOOOO much for listening to my sob story. Maybe now that I have gotten the brunt of it off my chest, thanks to all of you, it may be easier to tackle the paperwork and feel ever so much better! xxx
  • your in the right place for support and advice ,nice to meet you
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