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Cant Handle this, Cant Cope, Cant, Cant

dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,298
edited 06/11/2012 - 9:02 AM in Depression and Coping
I am going to apologize upfront if this post offends anyone.

There are so many members here that have been living with chronic pain for long periods of time, some over 30 years.

They've dealt with all the surgeries, diagnostic tests, treatments, therapies, etc. So, they are pretty much versed in to the problems with the spine.

But there is one thing that bothers me. We have many new members that come here to ask questions, discuss their situations, etc. That is just one of the reasons we are here for. But, when I read about a new member who only wants to complain about their situation and are really not interested in other folks well being, I get upset.

Pain is pain, no question about that. But handling it? Do you really have choices? You can whine, cry, scream and yell to everyone about poor you.. Yes, you might get some folks to respond to you.

Personally, I tend to over look some of those posts. With time being limited, I much rather spend my time helping someone who is looking for help.

There is a big difference between looking for pity vs looking for help.

Trust me, I've been here a long time now and you will get the most responses and most help when you think about how and what you post.

Here, I'd love to say CAN'T isnt a valid word, only CAN IS!
Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 


  • I know what you're saying. But I've also seen new members who start out as you say, complaining, crying about their pain and how difficult their life is, and not interested in others' well-being or getting help, but as their discussion goes along they are calmed by all the support they get and come around to choosing to help others and having two-way discussions.

    Sometimes, a beginning post can seem all me, me, me, but with the help and support of other members, the OP turns a corner and, in knowing they're not alone, starts to help fellow members and ask for real help, the kind we can give.

    I know that's not always the case, but it happens fairly often, I think.

    Just another point of view.

  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,298
    I have also noticed that. As people become more familiar with this site, the members, they style of posting does change, and I think positively.

    Thats just one of the reasons I always want people to read the Forum Rules, go over the FAQ.. There is plenty of information there that can help new members.

    How is the job going?
    Do you think you are going to get some golf in this year?

    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
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  • I read many new posts and i feel many times the members write there life story and not the question and concern they are facing,

    With so many new members posting its very hard to figure out what question is in there long biography, Most of it can be summed up in 2 to 3 sentences of what condition they have and what dr recomended and what concern they have,

    In my view a lot of needless information that has nothing to do with there todays condition is writen such as=. I was very acritve before this! I have 3 kids to raise! I want to continue weight lifting! I dont have time for this!

    As a 1 st time posting i think it comes across a litle selfish, It somewhat underminds everyone else as being less important such as saying they were very active before injury, I see it as ok so what? How is this relevent to the injury and who on this planet was not active before there injury!

    I dont care if the person ran the olympics there spine condition is no more important then mine or ours,
    Even saying i have kids to raise, Well sorry but in my view my life and others life are just as important kids or no kids,

    I like to continue weight lifting=. Well i would like to take a trip to the moon!

    I dont have time for this in my life=. Hmmm Well i could think of beter things to do with my life then being in pain and not living a normal life as i should be also,

    I feel new members need to realise this before they post and should get to the point of there medical condition and concern and not worry so much about there life history untill a later date as they make friends and been here for further introduction with members,

    Thats simply just the way i see it of course,
    Flexicore ADR 2004 resulting nerve damage l4l5 Fusion 2006 same level, 2009 hardware removal with lami !
    2012 scs implant ,
  • A tad of a personal PQ coming up regarding new members ;)

    I wish the site was set up so that they can't post until (some how) admins KNOW they have read the FQA's. It is sooooooooo frustrating trying to help new members & teach them the rules/guidelines.

    The run on sentences with no paragraph breaks (kills my eyes) and the link posting are my 2 big pet peeves.

    Ok done now ;)

    Alex - I agree with you. There are tons of posts here where after a new member posts that we older members have to post things like : what have you tried? what do yours Drs say? How long ago? what is suppose to happen next for you? and so on..... it can often times take several posts from a new member before their issues can even be addressed.

    However - having said all that. I also think that sometime when a new person finds us they are so thankful for a place that will understand their pain, anger frustration and so on that they just "dump" it out after having held it in for so long. Then later realize they left out some important info. :)
    L1 - S2 "gone" useless in 1 way or another. DDD. RA. Bone Spurs. Tons of nerve damage/issues. Stenosis. Both knees replaced. 50 yrs old. I had a great fall (hence my user name) at age 41 and it has been a domino effect every since.
  • I suppose I was one of those newcomers with the style that is bothersome to some. I posted my problems and was desperate for someone to provide an answer. At first my posts were definitely all about me. I would like to think that my posts were not full of "I can't" or "whining", but every person just beginning this journey has a lot of mental anguish along with the physical challenges of it all. So it is only natural for a person to do some complaining trying to figure out what is common among other spine patients. The wonderful members here took the time to teach me. Isn't that what a medical based forum is about? Members helping members? and it was because of the help that I received all those years ago that I remain here, so that I can possibly help someone else.

    I'm a long time member here (6 years), part of the moderator team, and I have learned a lot from this site. Sure sometimes I read posts that are annoying, but that is because we all have different personalities and writing styles. What is annoying to me is not to someone else. I have stated previously that I think it is important to let each member ask their question as it relates to them. So what if there are 100 posts regarding a topic? The procedure in question may be the same time after time, but the individual person or circumstances are not the same.

    I mean no disrespect here and I'm certainly not posting to incite a reaction from members. Spine-health is a community of caring indivuals--some of us have been dealing with spine issues for years, others are just beginning. If someone is annoyed by a post or doesn't want to respond, don't. This site would no longer attract new members if they were unable to share their personal situation and get answers as it relates to them.

    As for the FAQ, I go to many sites that have FAQs, ranging from banking sites to home shopping sites to this SH site. This is the only place I have ever read FAQs, and I only did that after seeing complaints about people not reading them. There are so many stickies at the top of each page that we are all supposed to read, how does one decipher what is really important to read?

    I vote for just letting people make their initial posts and if they do it "wrong" the compassionate members here will kindly teach the newcomer proper spine-health ettiquette. Just my .02

    Surviving chronic pain one day at a time, praying for a reprieve because living another 40 years like this doesn't sound too fun!
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  • I agree with most of the posters in this thread - they're frustrated and they need to vent, and had nowhere to turn until they found the Forum.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,298
    You will find that this site is full of compassionate members.
    But at the same time, we will also point out things that should be corrected.

    We do so, only to help new member get their message across and get the most coverage
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • AS far as thinking you have done wrong, there is no worries. Mistakes are going to happen, and that is just life to me, as I am surely one of those whom makes them. Just relax read the forums and ask questions as needed. You need to focus on your surgery and recovery, and if you overlap on a question, your good to go. Good for you learning more about the computer, during your recovery, you might find it more of a companion while your resting.

    My concern has never been with those whom ask to many questions, but rather with those whom never answer a thread to others. We have members whom have been here a long time, and they only ask questions, but never give anything back. They also will be the first to complain why no one answers their post. Not that I think anyone tries to avoid them, but members soon learn whom just comes on to post questions and never gives back. Sure someone may not know a lot to post a response to someone, but they most certainly can post a response of support to the person. But I will never judge a new member, as it will take them time to learn the ropes and I think we all were at that place and time once when we were new.
  • Oh I do hope that I have not upset any one!!.
    I have just joined this site myself and I do have to say yes I am guilty of wanting to talk to people that are dealing with pain 24/7 like myself.

    It does help knowing that it not just you against the world of doctors and pain.

    Yes I had found this site and read some of the comments and wanted to share how and what I have gone through and still going through now.

    It does help reading other people's subjects, trying to see if people have any advise or what happens next when you feel there is no where else to turn.

    I really do not think that new people think I am going to moan all about poor me and not give any thing back to help others. Maybe I am wrong?

    Every one who comes to these sites really want to talk and try to help and support each other. there so many people that are dealing with all types of pain and it nice to be able to share things with each others.

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