I would like to start by apologising. A lot of this is just a rant. I am just frustrated and hurt and angry. I am the one with a bad back. I am the one going for a discectomy in a week but I feel like I have been forgotten in my family. Like while my injury matters I don't.
Everyone is so concerned with telling me what they think I should do and how they feel that they can't look past their own opinions and realise the one person who's opinions matter the most are mine.
I am the one in pain 24/7. I am the one who has to quit her job. I am the one facing spinal surgery. I am the one who has to come to terms with the fact that I will have a physical disability for the rest of my life (neurosurgeons diagnosis). I am the one who has to lie to her friends about coming back to work because I can't let my boss know I won't be yet. I have been in constant pain since July. I am the person that hasn't walked further than 800m since September. I can't drive. I can't fly (I am a pilot). I cannot even sit in a chair. I can't go out without being glared at by random strangers for having to lay on the ground every 500m.
I just need to unload, I don't even need to unload often, I have coped with it well, my GP and my Physio have both commented on how well I am coping. I guess I am pretty resilient, so I don't understand why it's so impossible to let me on the occasion I need to just let out my feelings and thoughts and stresses without interruption, with people just listening to what I want and feel and think. For my loved ones just to support me as I try to work out what to do for the rest of my life (I'm 29).
I have been ranted at by a number of people today, all telling me what to do re possible compensation from work due to my injury. I tried to talk to my partner about it tonight. I hadn't even gotten three sentences out before he is interrupting with his opinion when he does not even know what I am going to say. I told him I just need to talk, to offload and to get out what I'm thinking without being ranted at, without putting up with other people's anger. It didn't work. Then he had to say "why, don't I get an opinion?" when I say I am stressed and I just need to talk he tells me to calm down, then tells me how he is so stressed too.
Why is it so hard to think, maybe, considering it's Lozs back and Lozs life, Lozs opinions and feelings are probably the most important. Loz is going to be injured for life, Loz has to give up a lot of stuff she loves, maybe I should just take the time to listen to her and give her some unjudgemental support.
I do not mope around or complain all the time. I try my hardest to do everything I can working around the pain and mobility issues. I think my family think they are supporting me but really they are just supporting themselves. I just don't know what to do. I am terrified of needles, I have surgery in a week and all everyone does is rag on me and criticise.
Sigh. Thank you for your time, I am sorry for the pity party rant.