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I don't do this often....

edited 06/11/2012 - 7:19 AM in Matters of the Heart
Hey guys , I don't talk about myself that much but right now I need my friends.Jessi , C and Papa know pretty much all about this already. As you all know the medial branch blocks and ablation didn't go so good (in fact ended up causing more problems )and so now I am facing having an EMG and Myleogram ( I got my appointments for them yesterday ) and I am so scared that they will not find out what is going on with my shoulder blade , shoulder , arm , hand and neck. I just want to know what is wrong so that it can be fixed. I have an incredibly high tolerance for pain but this new pain has brought me to my knees on more than one occassion and I am having to take narcotics again which I absolutely hate....I really thought I was past all that. Then there is the fact that all of these medical bills are piling up and getting in the way of my family being able to go ahead and buy a home because there seems to be no end in sight to the procedures and bills. It is getting to the point of me possibly stopping all medical treatment all together because of the cost....that frightens me too. Now throw on top of all of that the things going on with my Dad...they found more cancer , he had surgery and they think they got it all but in the process his eye is doing very badly....he may end up losing it and my Mom who works to support them is now facing problems with her heart....I can't fix that situation either and I feel so utterly useless and helpless. I have always prided myself on being strong and being there for everyone but I am breaking and well , it scares the hell out of me.....I have cried more the last week than I think I have in my entire life and I don't like to cry either....not these kind of tears anyway. I always pride myself in finding the silver lining but right now all I can see are black clouds and thunderstorms rolling in and that is unacceptable. At this point in life when things go bad I usually drop off the radar but I am trying to not repeat that type of behaviour , I am following my friend's advice and reaching out for support but it is not easy and not something that makes me comfortable at all but I am going to do it anyway. I just can't keep this up much longer , it is wearing me down in a way that I have never experienced before. I am sorry to unload on all of you but I know that you all will be here for me and not judge me. Thanks for taking the time to read this and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Love to you all....Miki


  • Awwww Miki I am so sorry that you have all this going on right now. I don't have the same gift for words that other people do on this site but I want you to know that I really do understand what your going through.

    I tough it out for my family and friends like you do and I've been told many times to let the guard down and show them how it really is. Not so easy is it. Like you, I also generally see the silver lining but those black clouds do keep rolling in don't they. Reaching out for help when you have always been the one giving the help goes right against the grain doesn't it - I'm so with you Miki, don't be afraid to do that. Just remember you aren't superwoman (I am)!!

    I don't know what advice I can offer you, you have always had the answers for everyone else on here (including me), you have always been on hand for us all and I for one have valued your friendship and support over the years (good grief - it really is years isn't it). You wont have to reach far Miki, there are many people here who will have the right words to offer you.

    I'm thinking of you, your father and your family and hope that things pick up for all of you soon.

    I'll be in chat if you want to join me.

  • my friend....your words are just fine and it helps so much to know that someone else understands where I am coming from. It is also good to know that you are Super Woman , that means that I can hang up this cape for awhile , lol. Really though , thank you for taking the time to read this and respond , it means the world to me , it really does. You rock chicka....btw , I hope that work is going well for you and that you are not over doing it....once again , many thanks... :)
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  • :) Miki, i am sending so many positive thoughts your way! you are having alot of trials but you will come out on the other side stronger than ever. right now it is all so overwhelming! don't have fear my friend, chasing the diagnosis is one of the hardest things a spiney must do. good luck and remember how many people are behind you! good luck Miki! Jenny :)
  • so much Jenny , that means alot to me.... :)
  • You have always been a rock for so many of us. We don't mind returning the favor. I know this is a virtual world, but you are among friends. I am so sorry that things are not going well. Just look past the black clouds and you will see clear blue sky. I know words are easily written or said, but I am here for you girl. Just like you have been for me so many times. Remember, I have broad shoulders and can be here if you need me. Lots of love, Tom :)
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  • Dang girl,
    That is a lot to be carrying around. Please remember that we are here for you through the easy and the rough times. You have offered so much support here and that works both ways. There is no shame in asking for help....it is just something our pride tells us not to do. I am sorry that you are hurting and had to start taking narcotics again but try not to look at it as a step backward, it was a solution to a problem. Keep us updated.

  • you guys are going to make me cry....thank you so much....it is good to know that I have you all to lean on....you fellas are the best.
  • Like someone else said, I am not good with words like so many of you are here, but Miki, I think it's very good that you let us know what is going on, sometimes it is very healthful to reach out for support, after all, that's what this Board is all about.

    And, you need to shed some tears sometimes, let it out, there's definitely nothing wrong with that, honey, and stress brings on more pain as you well know, so there is nothing wrong with taking some medication now while you get thru this difficult time. I'm so sorry you are going thru physical pain as well as mental pain, neither of them are good, I do hope the medication will help you, that is what it is for, to help us get thru bad times.

    Everything seems to happen at the same time, believe me, I'm an oldie here (as in age) and I know this, and things may look very dark right now, but in the end, you know, everytime, things really do seem to work out, so just hang in there, honey and remember, you have so many wonderful friends here who really care about you. I don't need to tell you that, however, even though, I'm rather new here, I want you to know how much you bring to this Board, you are a great Moderator, always here for others, now, we will be here for you. Please count me in with the others, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers also.

    Take care,
  • Believe it or not, our PMs and IM chats helped me immensely come to terms with my own cervical issues. You were there for me and I by all means am willing to chat anytime you like. Feel free to PM me or get me on IM. I also can give you my tel #.

    In situations like these, as we once discussed, one can only dig deep and persevere. I lived the darkness you and others describe for a year, experiencing a level 10 pain every moment, even in sleep. I was my family's sole support and suffering at work. Surgery transformed me from being a top athlete and rising star at work into somebody weak, debilitated, and even unable to listen to music for fear of more pain.

    Speaking of music, just like you, I love Guns "N" Roses. I gave away the song Don't You Cry to BubbleGum, so you're going to have to settle for Sweet Child O Mine. I bet you have eyes worthy of a song, as your avatar suggests.


    I came through my struggles Miki. You probably remember how desperate I was and angry at the medical profession for what they did and how they abandoned me. But, now I routinely play soccer, jog, and have opened up a business. Time sometimes heals these wounds, and if it healed mine, surely it can be the same for others. Like I said, keep digging deep...and fight, fight, fight, and fight.

    Do it for the husband who treats you like the Princess you are. Do it for the beautiful children you dutifully home school. You have so much too live for and are needed. And remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

    I don't know what tomorrow will bring, for you, me, or anybody else here. But, I know I will never stop trying to live in spite of any pain or symptoms that come up because of my spine. I vow to defy the doctors that so easily prescribe major procedures that really are a rolling of the dice. So far I am and I am not looking back. Likewise, be defiant in your way against at least the pain, knowing that it can abate.

    If I sound a bit harsh Miki, well, I mean to be. I hate with all my heart that people like you have to suffer. It kills me that you are in worse pain now that you had follow-up procedures. It really does. It actually makes me boil over with anger.

    My prayers and my heart are with you. I stay on the site because now that I have found some comfort, I wish to help others in their cycles of struggle with this. You have shown me how to do this Miki...and why it is important.

    I might not do it as well as you do, but I will be here for you.

    Cheers, Mate
  • Hi Miki,how ya feelin? every one askin that lately hmm? especially now that they see ya feelin low,and it gets agravating,'specialy when your defenses are down,

    Its ok not to be the strong one for a while you know,its ok not to carry your share of the burden,even though your spirit says you can,your physical being ,however, whispers the awful truth into your ear, ever so gently.Like a siren call upon your spirit, to come into the dark..its quiet and still here..rest a while, in this cold and darkness,its comforting and safe here.

    And sometimes,you want to listen,to not have to be strong to have to carry the burdens,just...set them aside for the while your there.its easy you know to give up,to give in,its perfectly ok,whispers the dark,lay with me awhile,and here we will find solace...

    So your guard comes down,but instead of the welcoming arms promised,there is the blade of sorrow piercing your soul,pinioning you to the ground,its heavy foot upon your throat,cutting off your cry,pressing down until nothing but the sound of despair is left to utter...

    So here you are,lashing angry at the lie,there is no peace in the darkness,there is only the keening wail of despair,the angry banshee of regret venting herself to the darkness.

    There, in the darkness of soul,you find yourself,your true self,you look upon the souls mirror..
    But what you see is not the true reflection,of who you are,or what you are..
    You reach out and wipe the mirror,and the reflection becomes a little more clear,a little brighter,so you clean some more and the picture keeps getting clear in the darkness.each wipe takes away fear,clears away some of the anger,and the picture of your true self grows ever more brighter.

    So you've looked inside,and saw what was truly there.a person of great personal worth
    A person worthy of dignity and honor
    A strong person.
    A good person.

    You've seen the sorrow,you know what its strengths are,where youre defenses are weakest.
    You know it will pinion you only as long as you let it..
    You have the clear picture of what despair is..
    and a crystal clear picture of who you are.

    So you can cast off the darkness about you,like an old shawl
    Your no old woman,no old shawly, to have a lifetime of
    sorrow draped over your shoulders,

    Let the darkness fall away!

    You cant be all things at all times to everyone,your gonna wear your self thin,
    You dont have to carry the load for everyone all the time,you dont have to be the person you want to be all the time,only the very best person you can be right now!
    Give some of the load to your other half,give some to us,lighten the emotional burden of being the strong one all the time,your entitled to some strength for you,you give so much and take so little,youre starving yourself,who will carry the burden if you wore yourself out trying? who?

    save some of the love you give so freely to others for ourself,all the consideration you give to those around you,doesnt apply to you? how is that so?

    Give some love back to yourself, your actions have made you worthy of it! no one can critisize you,even yourself at this point in time.its ok to let loose some of the burden,just let go of the anger,you are a great and wonderful person,you deserve much love and kindness,dont forget that.
    Try to bend with the wind,let the emotions wash over you around you and through you,that way you will spring back upright when the storm stops!thing have a way of stacking up over time then cascading over us when we are in a fight within ourselves,here is the fall,now..get up,shake it off and go forth ready to battle! you have all the tools you need,,,but one ..some rest.,stop the endless mindrush,stop the little vignettes cycling over and over in your head,let the waters flow over you,and around you and like the mirror ,your vision will be clear and youll be less grimey in the soul!
    ohh Miki, youve a wonderful giving soul and youve given so much to so many.so dont fret the tears,or the anger,champions are not allowed to cry,.only in front of those other champions who have been in the arena,and know where you have been and what battles you have fought.so its ok to be frustrated ,angry ,sad , and tired, coz we have been there and left something behind there too.

    I hope the best for your family and especially you!
    These times will pass, bad times are not forever,unless you let them.
    Love, Life and Light to you
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

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