The anger I have resurfaces on a fairly regular basis. When I am able to keep it quiet- effectively bypassing it- then I literally feel a part of me being suppressed. When I am not dealing with bad pain or an injury I just tell myself to focus on what I can do and who I am now. The reality is that I will always feel a little suppressed. That never goes away.
But the truth is that I don't accept myself. I can fool myself into it for a while if things are going well, but it never lasts. When the pain comes back I am consumed by it unable to think clearly and feel emotion. Then I get it fixed and I am washed under by waves of extreme emotion and depression even though my body has healed. After the depression comes anger, the feeling of no control, but also because my pain is relieved I begin to feel that natural fight instinct inside myself. I will fight, I have to. I want more, I want the future, I want my body back from this horrible reality. The truth is that I will only get a small portion of myself back. I don't believe in a soul, a spirit, a god, a religion, however, the passion, drive, and essence of who I am are related to my body. It's hard to explain- but just imagine the strong feelings a religious person has about god and who they are- their soul- and replace that with your body and how you use it to change the world, to carry you through time.
My desire to fight is crushed by the reality that if I try to live life the only way that feels natural and right then I will just hurt myself again and lose more ability. But yet I can't just let go. I'm too angry, too focused, too passionate about who I used to be, who I should be.
Today I am bitter, angry, defensive. No one around me understands and I wouldn't even want them to. But what I have is not enough for me. And I don't want to pursue the options that life has made available to me. I am tired of compromising. I'm tired of trying to accept a person that I hate, that I don't want. I don't love myself. And I don't know how to forward when I have no desire to accept this awful version of someone I can't identify with.
No pills or cognitive therapy (I've done and continue to do more than my fair share of that) will change the emptiness that I feel inside.
And I am at the point I just want to tell my therapist to  off. Because she can't change my life. Only I can. But I can't let go.
25 years old: Herniated L4-L5, L5-S1 December 2008. L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2010. L5-S1 microdiscectomy March 2012. Redo L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2013. Redo microdiscectomy Oct 2015.