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The Anger

SpineyKD23SSpineyKD23 IllinoisPosts: 97
edited 12/14/2015 - 5:56 AM in Matters of the Heart
The anger I have resurfaces on a fairly regular basis. When I am able to keep it quiet- effectively bypassing it- then I literally feel a part of me being suppressed. When I am not dealing with bad pain or an injury I just tell myself to focus on what I can do and who I am now. The reality is that I will always feel a little suppressed. That never goes away.

But the truth is that I don't accept myself. I can fool myself into it for a while if things are going well, but it never lasts. When the pain comes back I am consumed by it unable to think clearly and feel emotion. Then I get it fixed and I am washed under by waves of extreme emotion and depression even though my body has healed. After the depression comes anger, the feeling of no control, but also because my pain is relieved I begin to feel that natural fight instinct inside myself. I will fight, I have to. I want more, I want the future, I want my body back from this horrible reality. The truth is that I will only get a small portion of myself back. I don't believe in a soul, a spirit, a god, a religion, however, the passion, drive, and essence of who I am are related to my body. It's hard to explain- but just imagine the strong feelings a religious person has about god and who they are- their soul- and replace that with your body and how you use it to change the world, to carry you through time.

My desire to fight is crushed by the reality that if I try to live life the only way that feels natural and right then I will just hurt myself again and lose more ability. But yet I can't just let go. I'm too angry, too focused, too passionate about who I used to be, who I should be.

Today I am bitter, angry, defensive. No one around me understands and I wouldn't even want them to. But what I have is not enough for me. And I don't want to pursue the options that life has made available to me. I am tired of compromising. I'm tired of trying to accept a person that I hate, that I don't want. I don't love myself. And I don't know how to forward when I have no desire to accept this awful version of someone I can't identify with.

No pills or cognitive therapy (I've done and continue to do more than my fair share of that) will change the emptiness that I feel inside.

And I am at the point I just want to tell my therapist to [edit] off. Because she can't change my life. Only I can. But I can't let go.
25 years old: Herniated L4-L5, L5-S1 December 2008. L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2010. L5-S1 microdiscectomy March 2012. Redo L4-L5 microdiscectomy Sept 2013. Redo microdiscectomy Oct 2015.


  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,584
    i dont think you feelings are much different than any person dealing with chronic pain. it is however, more intense and frustrating at younger ages.

    mine started at around 25, but for a good 10 years, i just ignored it, which is just one of the reasons i had so many surgeries.

    it has to be very hard at your age. you want to be able to do things, you want to be with your friends doing the same things they do. perhaps at times you feel you can do that, but so many times you are just totally physically and emotionally drained.

    when that happens, its easy to understand how anger creeps in. and along with that a degree of resentment. why is everyone else able to do just about everything and i can't i dont know if those words ever came to you, but i am sure the concept has.

    true, you may never be 100% of what you were before. but so many spinal patients, especially younger ones can reach close to those percentages. the major reason is that because of your youth, you have the ability to recover quicker and more effectively than in your later years.

    you dont want what you see today, can't imagine anyone wanting it. acceptance. i know you indicated that you don't accept what you are today.
    thats ok, in the scope of everything, you are still very new to this whole situation about spinal problems and chronic pain. does it get better?

    it can, it really can.

    this was a blog that i was asked to describe chronic pain beyond physical impact
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • I find this sad. It's frustrating to be in pain but what's worse is how you deal with it. There is the old serenity prayer which pretty much says- I will change the things I can change, I will accept the things I can't change and have the wisdom to know the difference. In order to move forward you have to accept the things the way they are. That doesn't mean it won't improve, but it may never get back to the way it was. That's the reality. If you refuse to accept the situation you will be way more miserable than if you accept it. Think of Christopher Reeve, look at what he had before he broke his neck. But he accepted it and was able to move forward. he still made money, he changed other people's lives. I think one of the benefits that he had was that he had so many people who believed in him and supported him. I often think that is a major factor. Support and acceptance means so much. You say no one around you understands, are you letting them understand? Are you letting yourself understand? Sometimes life is about Plan B, sometimes even Plan C.
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  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    You mentioned you can't let go....but that is a process.
    We can't let go one time and that is it!

    It is not as a decision we make and then suddenly, ahhhh!...we have full contentment, no anger, disappointment, depression anymore.
    Gee, I wish it was!
    But for myself, using the more healthy tools I've learned toward acceptance, has made each time easier and each time moves along more quickly.

    With due respect to above post by Andrea, I did it and do not recommend comparing yourself to anyone else!
    I used to think of people who did much in their disabilities and or chronic pain...Amy Carmichael, Joni Ericsson Tada, ..and I would think, I can never write, paint, inspire.
    That made me feel even more lost in my loss...my loss of who I was and loss of my plans for future..heck, any of my plans, poof......

    But it comes silently, ....the changes in yourself, .....the stillness of knowing it's going to be okay, you're going to be okay...albeit in a way that you do not yet know.

    You will find yourself surprised at the way you just handled a certain emotion.
    You may literally shake your head and go, "huh?" ..and realize the caregiver in you has taken over to protect your being.
    You will smile and laugh out loud all by yourself, alone in the room!

    I'll never be a Christopher Reeves....I may never touch a soul. Most of us are average joes!
    That's okay with me.

    But I think I do touch some people in my circle, the good and the bad of being me..as they share the good and bad of themselves.
    It's called life!

    I've learned to appreciate the struggle through the "tunnel of chaos" as I more richly appreciate the joy of "just being" , when I reached the other side of it.
    I would think you're in process! You sharing here is courageous! And many of us do get it!
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • "The anger I have resurfaces on a fairly regular basis. When I am able to keep it quiet- effectively bypassing it- then I literally feel a part of me being suppressed. When I am not dealing with bad pain or an injury I just tell myself to focus on what I can do and who I am now. The reality is that I will always feel a little suppressed.

    I have words
    Many words..
    But i wish that I could hug the anger away..

    I see the beautiful person on the inside..in pain
    I see the conflict

    I believe in you
    We here in Spine-Health believe in you
    When one,of ours ..stumble and fall
    It is ok to curse and be angry
    To rage against the injustice

    I would carry that burden
    Many here would too. If only to give you a moments respite,
    Have not failed
    As long as you get up one more time than being knocked down.

    Anger and frustration is part and parcel of this ugly road,
    Its ok to be angry
    Let it go
    And be done with it..for another day.

    With time
    The large fluctuations do even out
    You may not accept who you are
    What has happened
    Who you are..today..
    But it wont always be this way.

    The essential beautiful you..
    Is still there
    You are still wonderful and viable
    Never forget that your worth is that far above any treasure.

    Railing against the future
    Will hold you back, from the future

    You are here..right here, right now
    But...its not where you will be.
    Tpur value is more than the physicallity
    It is of your heart, your spirit of living
    It is in your life and loves.

    You WILL MAKE IT !
    I need you to believe this one thing.
    You will pass these times,and many others before long...
    One thing, one day ...one,breath at a time.

    The solution. Here may be to bend, not break
    To flow, instead of backing up
    You are strong like this
    In spirit

    Take this fight
    Fight for a,life worth the effort
    Worth the penalty.
    I know your worth it

    Your road is the hardest for a reason
    But the pain will be relplaced by peace.

    Do you want it bad enough?
    Peace inside
    Do you want it ..bad enough.

    Then go after it.
    One breath
    One step
    One punch at a time

    Tou have all the tools inside you need
    You will win through this
    Set your mind
    Set your heart
    Let the anger flow thorugh you and fall,away
    Then seek the center

    One after another the tools will come into play with familiarity..
    You will have peace..maybe not entirely on your terms..but they will be yours.

    Dont go toe to toe with this
    It is bgger than you..
    But not better
    Give..create a space between so you can see whats coming, when and why

    Its not about surrender
    Its not about giving up
    Its not about giving in

    It is about being tacticool..that is savy in the many forms of the spiney game.
    Slug it out if you must
    But in the end you will be the worst for wear and beat up.

    You got this
    Yourr not Rocky, drago tyson, holyfield..
    Your you
    Throw punches when you can
    Dodge those when you can
    Get back up when you couldnt.

    You got this.
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    I don't post here because my issues are outside the scope of spine health now but I have a lot to say about this , that was me and I did not accept and I beat spine issues. People here accept but be certain hundreds of thousands do not accept and have healed or overcome, it's a personal choice. Anger can drive you to achieve things acceptance may never but it may also hurt you. The way I look at it no place in history for great men did they accept defeat, failure, poverty , loss, etc etc they took it and worked harder to achieve something greater. Imagine all the best athletes you know and then imagine where lyhey would be if they just accepted , they would not be stars, they would be average. I know there comes a point you cannot heal and will never heal , if that's your story than acceptance may be your key , but if their is a glimmer I say do not accept it. Mine was waking up pain free every morning, I won every morning and lost by evening , everyday, but in the end I did beat it only by not accepting it. Circumstances arose outside my control but I would be living proof that acceptance isn't always the right choice.
    Also I've read Christopher reeve autobiography, if you think he fully accepted his place that is a mistake . He quotes that until the day he would die he missed his old life and what it was. He suffered depression behind closed doors, hated what the injury did to his family dynamic But he found a purpose that allowed him to move forward and get through each day and become at peace, but he wanted to die early on until finding that purpose . Purpose to me supersedes acceptance in this life.
    It's a personal choice and its yours. All others can offer is theirs.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
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  • jlrfryejjlrfrye ohioPosts: 1,111
    And am now facing a brain aneurysm that has to be coiled along with having a TIA this past week, once this is fixed and given medical clearance I have c7 that has now re fractured although stable needs to be corrected, once that surgery is done then lower extensive spine surgery. Am I angry, I was but am no longer. With the help of a great pain Dr along with a pain psych Dr I have been able to go forward with life. Not the life I wanted but I am happy once again, I now do the things I never had time for do to being too busy working, a great social life, Yes that is gone but I have filled my heart with other things that have meaning to me, I rescue small dogs, dogs that do not require alot due to my situation but a rescue group will work with you. I have held the hand of patients afraid of going into surgery that had no family for comfort or support. My goal is train one of my animals for a therapy hospital job. You need to look deep inside of yourself and think of things that you can now do, not what you cannot do. You would be surprised at what you learn about yourself. Yes anger is part of the process. Almost the same as the 5 stages of grief. It will not be a overnight fix but slowly you begin to accept and the anger goes away. My pain psych Fr really helped me in more ways then I can count, Things I never dreamed I would enjoy i now do. Struggles wow have I had them, Financially, relationships but in the end they all seem to be working out. Have you thought of a support group other then the internet, Speaking with a person or persons that have experienced the same have a way of giving hope along with making new friends that do understand. I wish you the best of luck and there are many here that understand and can lend some kindness or ideas, I like to think of it as the new me, a better improved me. I am now more compassionate, understanding and patient. I like that in myself. I before all my injuries was too busy working and never looked at the easier things in life that made me happy, I wish you nothing but peace.It will not be easy getting there but you will'
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 13,584
    Aaron, I understand where you are coming from. And for you, anger and not accepting has been instrumental in the way you have dealt and are dealing with your medical condition.

    Everyone has different motivators. I know for me, acceptance was a key. Prior to accepting my medical situation, I tended to just be angry about it and ignore it. It was ignoring it that definitely lead me down the path I took. However, once I accepted my condition, almost everything started to turn around. From that point on, I was able to do more, achieve more even with the limitations and pain.

    Greatness does not mean one has accepted anything. Since you mentioned sports, I would look at Peyton Manning. With his cervical problems and doctors recommendation, he accepted his condition, but then went out and proved he could still perform a very high levels. HIs story is not that uncommon.

    I think a problem that comes with acceptance is contentment. If you accepted something, and then settled for that, then there would really be no forward movement. To us, that would mean, once we accepted our medication condition, we did nothing more about it.

    It is what it is , so why bother doing anything

    That Aaron, I think is what you are talking about when we mention acceptance.

    That is just not what acceptance means to me
    Ron DiLauro Veritas-Health Forums Manager
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences 
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    edited 12/16/2015 - 3:44 AM
    It think it just means a lot , at different times. And peyton Manning I think is a great example of what I'm referring to , he did not accept his career was over and should just retire and live comfortable he found a surgeon had surgery and returned against some Drs advice to play the game he loved. Acceptance in my eyes would be doing what some have done this year, they were advised due to neck stenosis that football would cause further damage so they gave up and retired, very smartly so. But I know they will always wonder what if I didn't accept this and worked harder? Sometimes it works accepting sometimes it does not. But I never ignored my pain for sure so I guess acceptance that you have an issue is key, but acceptance that your life is this way and you will hurt forever to me can be just as harmful.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • It is not an easy thing...
    To have been dighting for years for a life worth the penalty.
    100 hour weeks
    The shear volume of the physicallity was a life draining event..every single day and nite.

    6 to 8. ..10/500 hydrocodones
    3 skelaxin
    Ambien to sleep more than an hour or two..
    Each and,every day, just to function enough

    Ohh, i know anger....

    A powerful, vindictive anger
    One which drove,me,from bed eqch morning to face the coming horrors,of the day.

    I was going to hurt myself again a little more today
    Knowing, today, i may finally blow out the ..
    Which one?
    The one above that?
    The ones mid back?
    The,ones,in my neck?
    My rotator cuff
    My knee
    Lets not forget the 24/7 headache
    The broken and mishealed rib, the achy sternum
    The facial pain from the bone healed wrong..

    Oh yes
    I know,anger....

    Then after years of service to be told by some stranger..
    Not good enough
    Not good enough.......

    Anger burns bright, hot and,sweet
    Then what is left but a burnt out shell of who and what i was.

    I hate to talk of this

    So it was either
    Or walk into traffic.

    My life was worth more
    Worth more than the anger
    Than what the pain said i should be
    A good little slave
    Bend your knee to me..

    I disagree...

    Accptance came
    Not as any surrender
    It came as a weapon

    I atill fight..every hour of everyday
    I never stopped fighting
    I do it on My Terms.

    I am not comparing scars
    I dont have too
    I wear,mine with pride...

    Will leave you hollow
    As a negative reinforcement
    It is a meteoric fuel source
    Burns hot
    Feels good

    I never gave up fighting
    But i fight with my whole,being

    There is life post pain
    Post anger
    Post,5 steps of mourning

    Make it a life worth having.

    Time and tide smooth all storm tossed shores
    Erases the human wreckage
    Leaving new sands to leave new tracks on
    Every day
    Be Blessed.

    This storm will,pass as the others did
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Sheri76Sheri76 Michigan Posts: 646
    edited 12/16/2015 - 7:42 PM
    I cannot imagine living a life now as though I was all I had, not that I never had though, I did when I was much younger. And life was so much harder without faith in God. Although, a faithfilled led life isn't a picnic in a rose garden. But.... is a life with our own ego's as the masters of our own universe really meant to satisfy us? Maybe temporarily, but life goes on.

    When all we have is ourselves-- our mental, emotional, physical self, just what happens to people as they age? If people only identify their bodies good health, their youthfulness, as their own and only value, how will that sustain themselves as they grow older? Believe me, it doesn't, I've learned that the hard way myself. The reality is, life is always changing...we cannot stay the same....we aren't gods.

    People may claim that faith in God is just people being weak, needing a crutch, not wanting to stand on their own two feet, not using their own brains...but I disagree. As we can see for ourselves, and the testimonies of others, it's not easy trusting in a force greater than yourself that you cannot visible see...to depend on a love beyond comprehension, to know, even if doubting at times, that things will work out for good, and yes, even when we go through pain and suffering... believing isn't easy... it's a gift of faith, that anyone can have if they want it.

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