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Spouse is going to leave me

My wife knows im doing my best but I feel she is going to leave me as this is not what she 'signed up for'. Im 11 mos post op of a 4 level Artificial Disc Replacement with 8 screw DSS system. I returned to work 5.5 mos out which was too soon in hindsight. Work got busy fast which meant great money but it killed my back and I then regressed and can barely work niw and its getting worse. I need to take another 6-12 months off i feel to train do PT, rest and heal. But i cant ask my wife to take on being thr breadwinner yet again...its not fair of me to even expect her to do any more than the large amount she's already given me. Do i be the one and tell her i need to let her go for her own good? Im lost. I love her but feel im an anchor to her happiness right now :(
Jr v


  • Nick.nyNNick.ny New York,NYPosts: 121
    ,for better,for worse,for richer,for poorer,IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH,
    until death do us part....!

    (married for 33years)
    2011 ACDF C 4/5/6/7.
    2011 repaired sternum with fixation plate and 9 screws.
    4/2011,3/2012,11/2012 and 6/2013  Rotator cuff surgeries.  
    1/6/2016 revision ACDF C4/5/6/7, plus fusing the level above that C 3-4.
    Pending L5-S1.
  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    If you are planning to force your wife out of the marriage because it's best for her.....I'm sorry to hear that..for both of you.
    Personally, if I was pushed away to the actual edge and needed to leave my marriage, I would feel beyond betrayed by the man I love so.

    She has her own pain in watching yours. That's not easy.
    Is she so superficial that the need for instant gratification..instant healing, overrides the hope that is in the tomorrow's?
    She may need to go through her own reality checks.
    Even if that is the case, superficial or such, it may be for the best for her to find that out by herself.

    You started by saying your spouse is going to leave you.
    In a way it sounds you want to protect yourself by rejecting her first.
    Can you hear what that sounds like? You would want to hurt her instead of risking hurt.

    (Of course, few sentences can not hold all of what your saying....)

    But that is marriage. Loving the other as ourselves and doing what best for our spouse out of love.
    I would find it difficult to love fully if I walked around daily with trying to protect myself from perceived possible hurt.
    Sometimes it's said we would die for the other.
    Often times, it's more difficult to fully live for the other.

    I can certainly understand your thinking, but acting on that kind of decision does not seem to be from a healthy place in your mind.....my opinion....perspective somewhat off.
    You are suffering and see only long haul ahead of you.

    Seems you're not seeing the future for what the possibilities are for your life to have improvements..maybe physically, but with work, definitely your emotions, brighter and healthier perspective.

    Also, you have enough to work on yourself and your care and pain relief.
    Have you read...The Blend on this site....which is a concept of how to distract pain and to find the focus of the joy still left to you.
    Maybe see counseling, doesn't have to be a forever thing, but to learn new ways of coping while in transition in painful lifestyle.
    I learned much, years ago and still use those tools everyday. They help me to stay realistic...it released me from feeling sorry for myself, blaming (myself ...or others), and in general just being a confused and irritable person to be around.

    It would not be fair..my opinion...for you to be making decisions for your wife.
    She needs to work through how your situation is effecting her.
    May be counseling would benefit both of you re how to continue to enjoy one another, communicate with one another more effectively, etc.....but each of you learning new ways of coping, either individually and or together.
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

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  • Motor1MMotor1 Pittsburgh, PaPosts: 606
    Nick.ny - you said it well. This year, I will be married for 34 years.
    Johnnyveeee - I'm sorry that you feel that your wife will leave you. That really makes me sad.
    Over my years of marriage, my husband & I have taken turns nursing each other back from sicknesses or injuries of some sort. It really takes a joint effort. I never looked at it as my husband had to do all the work while I heal. I do what I can to help him out. I have resolved to try not to care about the floors not being mopped or vacuumed.
    I guess what I'm saying is try to have a conversation with your wife & explain to her how you feel. Like nick said, marriage is for better or worse. If you need to take time off to heal more, just remember to show her how much you appreciate that she can continue to work. Keep your conversation open with each other.
    I wish you well & I hope you heal soon.
  • I am so sorry to hear that you think that way. Is that what you would do if it were your wife who was ill? The other members especially Savage have said it far better than I ever could. We marry we weather the storms together that is what being married is about.
  • Its sad for one who is ill injured and scared. I have had my husband, who is now a retired Navy Senior Chief, tell me the exact same thing. " This is not what i signed up for". Wow, how that hurts to hear on top of the guilt felt by being down and out and in pain. It makes our situation even worse. My spouse does love me dearly and does so so much for me and our family. I am very appreciative and cant tell him enough. However, he gets tired of carrying the load and I then feel like a huge burden. I cooked dinner tonight even in pain and let him sit back and watch the football game. He then came in and helped with clean up and thanked me.
    Remember what your dreams were together? That right there is my spouses issue. We cannot live the dream of what we had as we fell in love and set out in marriage. I went from woeking full time to being totally disabled and working no more. Things changed so much and our dream is no more, its now caring for me. I try and understand his frustration but feel he is becoming resentful. Talk about feeling guilty. I know if shoes were exchanged I would do for him as he has done for me.
    My dreams were crushed too though and yes we need to make new ones and move forward. My spouse and myself also suffer from PTSD. We went to therapy together and seperate. My conditions healthwise are enough but then throw in double PTSD?
    Your wife like my husband of course is angry and frustrated, she is still there though so dont give up. You fell in love for a reason and these hurdles of ours may get in the way but I wont let it stop me from working on myself and my marriage. My spouse seems to get angry when I over do it and then am down and out for a week or two or three. He then has to do even more. So if you need time off to care for yourself then you should do it, think about what will happen if you dont and how things could be then. Like was said before "For better or worse, sickness and in health". I have been married 7 years and sick with cancer and surgeries and illnesses for 6 years. Talk about the honeymoon being over. He is still here though and although it gets tough he IS still here. If he decides to leave then its his loss. I am a wonderful easygoing charasmatic woman who loves life. I been where you are with thinking maybe I should cut the cord. Nope I wont because I love him and know he loves me regardless of him being tired and fed up with my health. Notice I said my health? Dont give up, keep on fighting!! I hope things work out for the best!
    Live, love, laugh, it could always be worse.
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  • gfishggfish Pittsburgh PAPosts: 240
    edited 02/15/2016 - 7:24 PM
    Yes, Its hard. I have been married 26 years. And I was the back bone of the house. I did all. My wife is struggling with my issues, just as I am. I am not able to return to my old job yet, or at all. Money is tight. We never had money problems. Our talks are about what the future will be. And like you, this is not what she wants. She is a waitress, She wanted a job to do, make some cash. and have money to say she earned it. Now she picked up more hours to help what I am losing. And makes sure she tells me that. I try to do stuff. But I am far from my old self. We have argued and have talked divorce when we get mad. We talked about retirement in the years to come. It now has changed . I know my life, has upset her life. And would not be surprised is she has talked to anyone about leaving. Yes, I hear you. How about. I dont know how more of this I can take. Its hard to deal with someone who you would think is supposed to be there for your, but are not.
    Greg fisher
  • I just celebrated 25 years with my husband. For 20+ of these 25 years, I have dealt with significant health issues, which in turn have had great impact on all of my families lives.
    RSD that spread and cost the use of my arm , hand, frozen shoulder, then my significant spine issues, surgeries, recoveries etc.
    My relationship has undergone struggles along the way, and there were many times where I often wondered if he or I should leave, since the plans we shared in the beginning wound up being altered pretty drastically.
    Still, we managed to raise 4 pretty awesome kids, despite things not always being easy or having our lives turned upside down.
    I discussed my fears with my husband, I listened to his, and we talked them through, made adaptations when we needed to, but the one thing that carried us through all of this , is a deep respect for one another, a solid friendship, and a desire to honor the commitments we made to each other when we married....we took those vows very seriously then, and still do to this day.
    Life is full of roadblocks and obstacles, twists and turns, and relationships need a solid foundation of love and respect to carry you through those moments when life changes the plan.
    I hope that you can talk to your wife, and let her talk to you.....there is little in life that can't be worked through if both parties want it to.

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