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Relationship Over

Hi All,

It's been a long time since I was last here. 18 months ago now I had my spinal surgery a microdiscectomy that ended up being a laminectomy once he cut me open. The surgery went well, I can walk again, drive again. However I am still symptomatic. I have chronic pain. I won't ever feel my left leg again, the damage is permanent. I now have referral pain down both legs as opposed to only one pre-surgery (however its not as bad as pre). But all in all a massive improvement.

However it wasn't enough. My partner of 11 years left me in February. He actually replaced me, with a younger version who can do all the things I used to be able to do before I got injured, they actually started this before we split, we split because I got angry at him for never wanting to do anything with me, for him getting angry at having to spend time with me instead of her. He's going to teach her to kite surf, just like he was teaching me before I had to give it up, they go bush walking, camping, all of our things. I am totally heartbroken. I know it's not uncommon, I just cannot understand it, I was trying so hard to be me again, I was always trying new things, old things, trying to modify things so I could be me again. I have depression from the injury and the not feeling like me, I knew that, I was getting help. I won't ever go back to my job or I will end up in surgery again (as told by multiple surgeons, mine and work cover). I don't control my life, I do everything work cover tells me and I feel like I am stuck waiting for them. Then he left, being us was the only thing I had left that still felt like me, the real me, the old me. I don't know what I want, I just needed to get it off my chest, to not feel so alone, I know I am not the only one who's partner has left after a perma injury. At the moment I am still stuck in that, it's not fair loop. I know I am better off without him, over the last 18 months he had become abusive, screaming at me until I was crying and begging him to stop, throwing things at me, destroying furniture and countless other things. I just feel like I failed him, I tried to offer him help, I tried to encourage him to do some training and get a better job, we went on holiday together, I sent him on a skiing holiday without me so that he could relax and not have any stress, I am sure he is depressed but I could never help him, he blamed it all on me, I wasn't enough.

Sigh. Just feeling lost, alone and like this injury has now stolen everything from me. I can't do any of the things I loved any more, I can't fly aeroplanes, I can't bush walk, I can't run, I was always really adventurous and active and now I've lost the love of my life. Tell me I'm not alone. How long did it take for you to feel like you again? How long did it take for you to come to terms with your changed life, your changed abilities?



  • SavageSavage United StatesPosts: 7,385
    Hello Loz......
    Eleven years is a long time of being together, having someone to lean on and to share life.
    It so hurts when someone we thought we knew and loved, becomes unrecognizable.
    And not only feeling the betrayal, but eighteen months to live with fear and under abuse...is just devastating.

    Although he felt you were not enough, I hope that is not allowed to seep into your being.
    You are enough! You may be different in the activities you once could do and now can not...but that isn't your being.

    The transition into our new or different abilities is not easy, esp at the beginning  and esp if someone has knocked us down in our self worth. 
    It took me awhile to accept my limitations with activities and such....and awhile yet to discover what I was able ..and what I wanted ..to do.
    With time, I was allowed to discover new interests and abilities...albeit not physical abilities.
    My focus being on what I can do..not on what I used to be able to do...helped me move forward.

    I did not live with physical abusive situation, but name calling, repeatedly expressed anger at my inability to do much of  activities I use to do.
    There was so much pressure to be more than my body allowed.

    After that breakup, again with time to readjust, I've not been more content!
    The relationship was high anxiety and that didn't help me physically or emotionally.
    Ive learned to be more than content with myself! ...and discovering interests and sharing my life with friends who do their best to understand.

    As you build up your support system, remember you have one here, also. :)
    Feel free to vent and share as you move forward.
    You are not alone!
    Honorary Spine-Health Moderator
    Please read my medical history at: Medical History

  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    edited 04/26/2016 - 4:31 PM
    You are certainly not alone.
    I lost a 13 yr relationship to chronic pain and issues, just ended up being to much and my girlfriend fell in love with one of my best friends. This sounds cruel , but the people we are with have it very hard and they have to totally change their life and what they love as well.  Sometimes they are willing sometimes they are not, none of us would choose this life if we had a choice ( not saying we would do these type of things though), but we want out of this situation to, we just don't have the means..  Life is very short for everyone, people selfishly choose what makes them happiest sometimes even when that includes hurting others to get there.  My ex is very happy and I am happy she is, I doubt she regrets her decision at all.  She lives an active and outgoing life now.  Good for her.

    The question about how long does it take to get used to this life?  My answer for me is never, you learn to live with it the best you can and try to replace the things you love, but you never stop missing your old adventurous, active, spontaneous and free life. I have been in pain since 2004 and the longing is no less now than it was then.  I have found nothing that compares to an active life in this limited life.

    The relationship thing is hard, but sometimes someone better comes along who see's you as you once saw yourself and makes the sacrifices with you and loves you for who you are now.  I wouldn't go back to my ex-relationship for all the money in the world, i just wish I could be the old me in my current drama free one.

    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
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  • Beautifully written, itsautonomic...real stuff right there.  I said "amen" so many times when I read your response.  There's nothing more I can add, Loz, except for that I'm so sorry for your losses.  Please--and I DO mean PLEASE--when you are ready to, share some of your gains when you experience them, too, ok?
    Kimmy72, Spine-health Moderator
    Firm believer in PMA!
  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    Thanks Kimmy72.
    Loz, and here I am sorry this happened to.  I feel for you.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
  • Thanks all.

    I feel worthless and lost. My antidepressants are the only thing that gets me through the day. I guess being screamed at, having things thrown at you, having him threaten to kill me will do that to you. It's made harder by the fact my friends all took his side, they tell him I deserve it. I deserve to be yelled at, called names, abused, I have never been abusive towards him. Every time he sees me he yells at me and calls me names. I've got a small group of good friends that are there for me but it's hard in this small town I live in to avoid those who cause me more pain.

    I am still not in control of my own life. I am stuck at the beck and call of work cover, arguing with them over suitable duties. That is probably the hardest thing. I can't move on, I have to do what they tell me all the time. I just want to leave but I can't, I have to be here for at least another 2 months, stuck in our house, surrounded by our things, seeing our friends. I don't feel like me, I don't even know where to start to feel like me again. I lay at home and watch Netflix all day, the only time I go out is to go to physio or other work cover appointments. We have been together since we were 19, I don't really know any other life. I don't know where to start. I am certain if the work cover stuff was dealt with then I would be in a better position. Able to make decisions, move house, explore new things but for now I am stuck and that is the hardest thing, not being in control of my own life.
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  • itsautonomicitsautonomic LouisianaPosts: 2,561
    Mine was also my high school sweet heart since 17.  That is the hardest thing for me, if one had no external negative forces and could just focus on getting better it would all be so easy but for most not worrying about work, finances and other things isn't an option.  And not being in control of my own life is my most hated feeling.
    Do your due dilegence, trust you know your body and question everything if it does not fit. Advocate for yourself and you will be suprised what will be revealed trusting your body and instinct.
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