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pissed off hate what they done to my husband

elviseelvis Posts: 79
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Depression and Coping
i am sitting here and drinking which i would never do in the week my husband as ddd and is in a lot of pain and no one will lesson iwe have been every were to get help but know one as done yet the pheso told him if it hurts when he walks to sit down wfere every he is and wait five min and them get up and start again he as to do this every 10 min how can you do this every time you go out were we work dont help ever they have lost the form that we needed to clain so he get his wages for the time he is off so now we have to worry about that i am now on tablets to help me with the stress and depression i am going through it dont help when i keep crying all the time so i am not at work as well now so mode stress about money i dont noe how much more pain he can take
i need some help here please with what to do


  • :''( Elvis im so genuinely sorry to hear what you and your husband are going through, pain,money worries,depression..it all takes its toll and its hard coping.........i dont know what to say except for drinking wont help, it will only make matters worse..i know u know that and probably thinking i dont need to hear that but its true... i hope things get better,i really do....you will be in my prayers tonight.......... :|
  • I'm so sorry things have taken such a bad turn for you and your husband. Just remember that there is always something that can be done.
    You said that you lost the claim form for your husband's work. Is there a reason that you can't get another form? If you can help the money situation a little perhaps the stress will go down a bit for both of you.
    I agree with vivavegas, drinking isn't the answer and will make you more depressed. Time to put down the bottle and take the bull by the horns! You didn't explain why he isn't getting the help he needs, can you explain it further so that we can make suggestions?

    Hang in there, things can get better, okay?

  • Elvis, what you need to do is, firstly stop drinking,stay off the tablets roll back the tears and get on with it, why cant you take a grip and go to work stop crying be positive and understand life is hard and its up to you now to support the family and work.
    I have had DDD and a whole lot more over the last four years and after 16 months off work with no money thats hard, my wife went back to work and kept the family, why cant you? thankfully I am now in the postion to return to work and will do in the next few weeks, one more visit to burn off the nerve endings and all things are go, go, go.
    If my wife can do it so can you.
    I wish you and your husband all the very best, work it out and get on with it.

  • hi yea my name is carol
    thank you for your replys
    my husband as ddd and i dont now what i can do for him with the pain he goes for Physical Therapy evry week and the have given him 6 exercise to do every day but the pain his there all the time and when we go for a walk his foot goes numb as well he as told the Physical Therapy this and she said that its part of getting better when he does the exercise he can feel some thing rubbing in his back and the pain then today he went out to buy a paper this morring and he came back in quite a lot of pain and had to sit down for a while i dont now if this is noramal for this to happen with ddd could someone please tell me if the rubbing in the back and the foot going numb is what should happen

    hi went to the physio today with my husband and i was not happy with what she was saying we asked for the mri and she still said no that he dont need it she also said that the pain was in his mind but i know its not when asked what did she mean she said that the pain goes to the brain and that he needs to stop the pain waves going to the brain i still dont ungerstand what she means but i bet if she had the pain she would know it was rell also when we told her that his foot gones numb she said that was a good thing How can that be a good thing she also said when this happens to sit down for a few min and then get up and start again but that would mean he would have to stop evety 10 mins cause that how long he can walk these days as you can see were are getting now were fast he was also told today by his work doc that if he dont get his back going again he will have to leave his job i am being ther efor him evey step of the way but i am very pissed off with the doc and physio and i and stressed and deprest as well i am on tablets for this as it hard for a wife to see there husband go through this for 5 month now how some of you on here have been going through this for years i dont know how you cope
    sorry this as been a long one but i just need to talk
    and i know that i should stop drinking and go back to work but i am having lots of problems there with my boss and all the thing that he say to me about sex so you see that why i cant go back to work yet because off all the stress i am having i am more worryed about my husband at the moment then work
    thanks carol
  • Carol,

    you have my sympathy for having a husband who is ill, but his DDD they can do something for. My husband is ill, he has a muscle wasting condition. For him to walk any distance he uses a wheelchair, short and I mean short he uses a cane. So celebrate your husband can walk.

    Stress? yep been there done it. Lay off the alcohol, its a depressant and if you suffer from depression you are making the problem 10 times worse.

    Be pro-active. Make a list of things that need doing to improve your situation.

    So far I have come up with:
    Get off the booze, seek help from a support group if you need to.
    Get another form.
    Get advice about the work situation, especially if your boss is sexually harassing you. He can't do that! (he can as he is, but he is wrong for doing it)
    Go through the list I have already said to make.
    Make a diary, write down the good and bad. When you re-read what you have written see it as written by a friend - offer that friend advice (yes you will then be helping yourself - you have control and thats great)

    Trust me I know exactly where you are coming from about being depressed, and feeling everything is going against you. I had 2 days like that this week, I wanted to do nothing else but cry but I knew that wouldnt solve anything. I made my list, and I worked through it - the feeling of seeing issues/problems being ticked off/erased was great.

    My situation isnt great but it really could be so much worse. I had to make phonecalls to people I owe money to, I explained my situation and they have come up with a payment plan - they cant help if they dont know that there is an issue. These guys are human too.:D

    Sorry this is a long post, I really feel your pain, and thta of your husband, but take control, work through the issues and trust me, you will get there.

    Love and hugs
    Danni xoxo
  • thanks dannik but i have tryed ringing people that we have to pay money to and asked can we pay so mush a month and some were ok but some have said no that they want it all in one go i am trying to deal with my drinking and some days i will stop then i have a bad day and it starts again i hate when i just sit there and cry and i dont know why the gp as given me citalopram for my Depression and zimovane to help me sleep but i dont think that they are working as i still feel the same way i have started a claim about my boss so hope that will help me as well thanks for your help
  • Carole,
    Your husband has you to help him, and standing by while watching the one you love in pain and feeling helpless is not easy and something that one has to have some experience to fully understand. Our PM residential gave support to carer’s, in acknowledgement to the difficult task caring for someone can be on a continual basis.

    The ripples of chronic pain by implication expand from the patient and soon reach all those around, emotionally psychologically and physically at times. The key thing is to help yourself, depression can take time to develop and as a carer you have given your all in support and are now in need of some support and encouragement yourself.

    I have been depressed and so has my wife as a carer also, worrying about the unknown future and wishing you could do more. Many here had or have your husbands symptoms and we are all willing to help and be supportive, “pissed off ” is how we all feel at time and really captures the essence of frustration and angst about what is happening.

    They are not saying that the pain is not real or that the origin of its creation is in our heads, the pain is real and we are thinking of the impacts in our heads as consequence, we hear those words used over and over and the emphasis although correct is being explain incorrectly.

    Perhaps if you could help him you would feel better about yourself, keep a pain diary look at times when the pain is worse and the medication and volumes used, find out what works for him and what does not, I do understand his life becomes 15 min episodes of activity before additional rest is needed, you sit then stand, sleep may not give any relief. The more things you try the sooner a specific strategy for you will develop.

    As a patient it was my responsibility to assist my wife as a carer wherever possible to stay well, it was never my intention to burden her sufficiently to contribute to her depression and I have learned over time to be closely attentive to the whole situation and we have both coped as a consequence.

    Carole, you are doing a good job in difficult and challenging home and work circumstances and you will improve over time, good luck to you both and some good advice from other posters here.

    Take care and keep posting and be kind to yourself.


  • hi i would like to say thank you for your replys and i am feel a little better today i am going to try and not drink as much but when i have a bad day it just get to me i hate see my husband in pain and not being able to do anything like he used too do

    but we will get there in the end and i hope i can get off this drink and be my self again with out taking tablets as well

    thanks again all off you
  • Carol,

    Everyone is giving you good advice. Please hang in there and both you and your husband work on improving the things you can improve. Stop drinking because this will be worse then your husbands pain if you keep it up. Believe me because I have two family members who have had problems with drinking. One has stopped for years and the other is still drinking. Try copying everything and anything that you do relating to your husband. This way if someone loses a form you can supply a duplicate. When you talk to anyone on the phone, get the persons name and write down the date, and time you spoke and what was said. Documentation is very helpful. I think you are on the right track in trying to get your husband an MRI. Maybe he needs a new doctor, someone who will take this more serious. Without the MRI it is difficult to know exactly what the damage to his back is and what could or should be done.

    Good luck
  • Carol,

    Have been thinking of you today. You are in a hard situation, one thats very familiar though to my husband and I as I was his carer until I got sick and then we have had to muddle through things together. At times this has been very frustrating, especially when his health took a nosedive, he didn't want to admit how ill he felt as he didn't want to worry me. I told him as his wife I already knew he wasn't well, I was just waiting for him to tell me.

    Take each day as it comes, some days are good, some days are so bad you want to stay in the safety of your own bedroom.

    There was a prayer, I think its called the Serenity Prayer and its very apt.
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Living one day at a time;
    Enjoying one moment at a time;
    Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
    Taking, as He did, this sinful world
    as it is, not as I would have it;
    Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
    That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

    Each day you spend together is a day to celebrate and rejoice, as so many people are lonely and don't have that someone special in their lives thats loves and adores them.

    We are proud of you Carol, we are here for you to offer you any help and guidance that you feel you need.

    Take care
    Love and good wishes to you and your husband
    Danni xoxo

  • dannik
    thank you and i am glad that i can talk to someone like you i do feel a bit better tonight i know it will not last long as i have had more bad days then good we have another appoment with th gp next week and i am hoping he will say yes to the mri but my husband and myself are not one to fight for things so may be i will have to get stronger and tell him that we will not take no for an anwers i am going to try and not drink this weekend and hope we have a good days so i do stay away from the drink i wish my husband could have a pain free day as well
    thanks again
  • I have been going through back problems w/ my hubby since 1995 and it is a tough road. But if you love your husband (which I am sure you do)you will reach deep inside yourself and find the strength to fill the role of advocate. He needs you to be strong when he can't be. Find a new job and make a fresh start. Know that you can do it. Stand up to the docs. The therapists and the docs can't make you do anything so if it hurts say "no he isn't doing that." You made a vow to each other and you need to be there in this "sickness" part. You can be that strong. I promise! Take care and keep your chin up!
  • Dear Carol,
    With the exception of me being the one in pain, and the fact that neither of us drink, we've been exactly where you are! First of all I want to say that my husband feels completely helpless when it comes to helping me with my pain. He wants to do something, make it better, but he can't. And I don't need him to! What I do need, and he gives in spades, in his support! God sent me an angel when I married this man. He may not be able to take away my pain but, he cleans the house, cooks the meals, shops for the groceries, all of this along with a job that he puts in more than 100 hours a week into every month of the year. I do some of this myself when I can, but it usually put's me on the sofa for 2 to 3 days to recover. And as to the finances? Yes, they changed. We went from a two income family, (I made a pretty decent wage) down to just his. We made some adjustments to work with just his income and I went on SSD. He makes very good money but with all of the medical cost's that we have had and will continue to have (mostly me but some are his) it takes a toll on the pocketbook. I have also gone on anti-depressants. I'm guessing that's what you doc has put you on. If they aren't working for you, you ned to try another until you find the right one that does. And also, it takes up to 2 months for the anti-depressants to take their full effect. You have to give them time. You also need to stay off of the alcohol. I know everyone else has mentioned this already but I have to say it too. It's a depressant! That is the last thing that you need! Besides this forum where we will all give you support, it might be a good idea to seek some support in the area in which you live, maybe AA. I'm NOT saying that you are an alcoholic, I don't know, but you certainly can become one by using this as a coping mechinism. Believe me when I tell you that my husband and I both have just felt like throwing our hands in the air and giving up. The stress is a real bi$#h! But as long as we have each other, we always, always manage to find a way through whatever obstacle that we have to overcome. As a person who is disabled, I know for a fact that if my husband couldn't keep it together and support me emotionally the way that I need (Fianancially too) I would just give up. He is strong, he has to be! You need to be strong too! After awhile there comes a point where you find a sort of acceptance. I refuse to except that I will be this way forever, I'm holding out hope for the future, but in the meantime I HAVE to accept the way that it is. It just comes to you, maybe it's the fact that I gotten used to it, I don't know. But I DO know that it get's better. Hang in there, pull yourself together, and support your husband. He doesn't want your sympathy, just your support. Good luck to both of you!
    Sending you my best,

  • well didnt drink last night but am pissed off a bit today so will have to try a bit more tonight husband still in pain cant wait till next week to see the gp and found out more about the mri
  • Hi Carol,

    Please believe me when I tell you that I hear you and I understand.I only just now read your posts,but I hope that you continue posting because I would like to hear how you and your husband are doing.

    I was once a very heavy drinker,and I thought I was an alcoholic,but obviously I was one of the lucky ones because I was able to quit drinking on my own,without help.That's amazing to me because I drank a lot/and for several years almost every day.Of course I wanted to quit and we know that makes a huge difference.I was pretty open and honest about my drinking,and it's kind of hard to hide anyway because it's so easy to smell it on the breath-but being open about it as you were here shows me that you are probably getting to the point where you are sick of it.That's good.Keep thinking that~and I understand those bad days.I always opened that beer and poured that vodka thinking it would help me through,and knowing in my heart that it was not the answer.Lord,I got so sick of waking up sick and hungover just to start again,thinking the 'hair of the dog' would help my hangover.It was at this point that I knew my real problems were not going to be addressed until I put the bottle down...and I was just so sick of it.
    There were other things going on in my life at the time too that helped me get strong about not drinking,and made me want to be the better person that I knew was in me.I know that better person is in you as well because I can hear it in the empathy that you feel for your husband

    I really think that a lot of people that drink on the 'bad days' are self medicating.Believe me I'm not judging you..I try to never judge anyone,and certainly not someone that suffers as I once did.
  • hi yea Robin i have done another day with out drink and am looking farward to next year we are renewing our wedding vails in aug so will have a lot to do i only hope that they can help my husband with the pain in his back we know that we will have money problens in the next few much but i know that we can now work it out i am glad that i found this site and i am going to contian to keep writing on here and i am glad to have spoken to you all and i will try and write every 2 days to let you know how i am doing and my husband thanks
  • Toutvent,

    We all know that we need to get on with it. You must know that there are times when that just doesn't seem possible. Haven't you been there? I know I have, I'm there now, and I'll probably be there tomorrow.

    Sometimes we need to vent... we need to cry, and let ourselves feel blue. Sometimes we need to hit bottom, before we can start looking up.

    I am glad that your wife was able to pick up the slack for you. Some of us are not that strong. All of us are weak at sometime. We are human.


    I know things must seem like they can't get any worse. Maybe they can't. But what does that mean? It means they can only get better!! Keep hanging on. It will all work out, I know it will!! A lot of times drinking can add to your sadness... How many times have we been at a bar, or at a friends house drinking, and ended the night with tears?? I've done it more than a few times... Cheer up darlin' hang in there for your husband. He needs you to be strong =)

    Hugs and Kisses from a friend
  • Elvis,

    The "tabs" that you are taking, are they for depression? I ask because I think that it is not safe to drink while taking these pills. Its not safe to drink with most pills. Be Safe... and keep hanging in there!!

    Hugs and Kisses from a friend
  • yes they are for depression and i did drink when i while i am on them but this is day tree and not one drop as tauched my lips now hope i can keep this up todays been a good day for us went for a walk lot for long as it hurts my husband when he walks but we are comtianing with the walks every day now
  • I will think of you and your husband and pray that things get better for you both.I'm here to listen to you on you good days as well as the bad.I'm aware that you won't be needing the same help on the good days,but I'll be here anyway.Just so you know :)

    Three days is great!

    Soon you will start to feel better and your confidence will grow.It has a snowball effect and you will see many positive changes in your life.

    I sound like a fortune teller( :))( ),but I just know that it's true!

  • Hi hun,
    I TOTALLY relate to you.
    We hate to see loved ones in pain.
    It is the hardest thing you will ever have to endure in life.
    Most people have said it all.
    Get that MRI fight for it!!!!!!!!! Apperantly there is something going on more then DDD (personal opinion only) to be in that much pain . Plus depression + pain = more pain.

    Stay strong, keep your heads up high . There are times here we think it is just then end.How can things get worse.
    Well sometimes they do, but we are all still here right???
    YES !!!!! O:) O:)

    You both can get through this. Its not going to happen in a day or a week. But it will HAPPEN ;)

    I could of or even my husband given up a long time ago with my medical history as you see below.
    But I am a fighter.I will not lie I get down like right this minute. Sick/nauseas/pain etc. But I know that I have to keep going and hubby does to.
    I know easier said then done sometimes.
    KEEP THAT HEAD UP HIGH and start each day anew.

    Hang in there!! YOU BOTH CAN DO THIS!!!!! =D> =D> =D>

    Lots of hugs
    Terri >:D< :* >:D< :* >:D< :*
  • hi all
    this is one of my low days got up this morring and went to the loo then i got a pain in my chest so had to call someone to help throught i was have heart attacks and couldnt move husband came and help me back to my room and after 15min pain went i think it was a panic attacks. husband still in pain
    thanks for your help on here it great to talk to people that understand :H
  • I say diddo to what everyone has said. I would definitely insist on a MRI but not with that doctor. Any doc who has the nerve to say that my pain is in my head is fired. Not only is it unprofessional and unaccecptable it should not be tolerated by the patient.

    Even if you get her to order a MRI do you really want someone like that to have to work with long term? There are empathetic doc's out there and those that treat people with respect. I wouldn't bash this doc I would schedule with another doc citing a second opinion, and get that MRI.

    If he is having numbness it's now not just a pain issue it's now neurological changes which should be addressed. I'm not a doc & just my opinion but it sounds like from what you have described the degeneration may be causing stenosis or narrowing. You might google spinal stenosis and see if any of it applies to your hubby.

    As your journey just begins try to talk to each other we all deal with grief differently and at different stages. Grief doesn't have to be just from a death. We grieve for our loved ones pain, loss of income, loss of career it goes on and on.

    My point is their are alot of helpful websites (I've been there) that can help us deal with grief and say yeah that's how I feel or that's where I'm at what can I do to get to the healing stages of grief. There are 7 stages of grief and even though what's happening in your life right now for whatever reason try to remember you never know what tomorrow brings...

    I think having a supportive doc will be an amazing start for both of you. You will feel positive like yeah we are moving forward and getting somewhere, finding out what is going on. It infuriates(sp?) me when I hear stories about docs like that }:) So I can hardly contain myself & have to post to remind us all that's not ok, period!

    I've come across some real what I call "peaches" in the last 2 years It's amazing. I had a cold hearted peach for a nurse at the hospital for 1 shift then made it known she was not to be assigned to me anymore! Anyway I'm done rambling. Keep your chin up, I tell MYSELF that everyday!
    Take care
  • hi yea all sitting here tonight thinking that we are back at the gps thursday and we hope can get the mri this time husband as had 2 good days with the pain only being a 5 but tonight its gone back to a 8-9 i have been good with the drink i have only had 2 glasses to night and then stoped been of it for about 4to5 days still very low i just hope we get what we want tomorrow i will let you all know what happens
  • Drinking nearly ruined my life Carol. There is no situation that drinking can't make worse. I could stop for a couple of days, but would always start again. I finally found Alcoholics Anonymous and it has been the only thing that helped me. I just wanted to let you know, that if you cannot stop on your own, and think you may have a more serious problem, AA is always there if you need it. The people are friendly and non-judgemental.
  • I'm sorry that your husbands pain has gotten bad again.

    If you are ever feeling overwhelmed with too many problems or too much on you at once,please try not to think of everything at one time.You are only one person and as such can only take on as much as you can bear at any given moment.

    I can't tell you what to do,and when I say these things I am only making suggestions..even though I might come across as I'm telling you,or being bossy-I hope you know that I don't mean it that way..just so you know.. :)

    My son is OCD (really bad at times) and every problem seems bigger than it is to him.He is also mentally challenged,but he has come a long way and made it through high school and is doing pretty good,but things haven't been easy for him.One of the things I've always told him that has seemed to help has been 'One thing at a time',and in telling him that I found that it also helped me when things piled up in my life.It might sound lame,but if you say it enough and with conviction...and you get strong in your belief of these few words-you do actually start to feel that things are not as overwhelming as they have to be if we learn to tackle them one at a time.

    You have to start out with something that you feel sure that you can finish so that you won't feel defeated right off the bat...and there will always be things that are hard and you will need help with.A wise person knows that they can't do everything on their own and needs help from time to time.It can be a struggle asking for and even getting the help that you need.I think you already know all of this,matter of fact I'm certain that you do,but it never hurts to have a reminder.
    Thinking of you and wishing you well~Robin
  • hi all
    went to the doc today and told him how i feel and he as now given me another depression tablet lets hope this one works told him about the pain dave is still getting and he said it will take time also still no mri he said that we will have to get this from the physo so we will be seeing her next week . we both went out today for a walk and some lunch witch was great then we both went for a drive had to stop walking 4 times so husband can rest his foot as it goes numb in all we have had a good day pain in his back today was 7 lets hope we have more good days i will keep writing on here to let you know what happens over the next few days oh by the way no drinking today will try and keep this up even when i have a bad day thanks again carol
  • hi all i am feeling very low today we have tryed every thing and we are geting no were fast they still will not do a mri now his works are saying that his wages will go down to half pay how will we pay the bills i have rang some of them and they are saying we need to pay or they will send someone out to get the payment i have told then i know we have to pay but can only pay some of it as we are both not at work for a while the pain in his back is getting no better and when we do go out walking he as to sit down for a while when he wakes up its stiff and stays that way for a few hours and then it comes back after an hour and at night it very painful and stiff and he moves all night i wish i could do something for him every doc as said that he as DDD and he shouldnt be in that much pain so what is it then i asked then and they just say it gets better within time its now been 6 month as anyone else been like this with DDD sorry it so long :''(
  • I had a bone scan,that is how i found out i have ddd,i also had a mri,if your doctor doesnt do any tests on your husband,maybe you should try and find a better doctor....
  • hi all my husband now get pain in his neck and his knee give way as well the foot goes numd and he cant walk for a long time no matter what we say thay always tell us that it will take time to get better its now been 5 months and 1 week
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