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OMG!! When it Rains it Pours!!!!!

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:23 AM in Back Surgery and Neck Surgery
Hi all! I just need to vent a little!

I am scheduled for a level 2 fusion on Thursday!! YES THIS THURSDAY!! Scared??? YES! :jawdrop:
Well now to top this off, my mother in law just died!!!! :''( My husband, god love him, still wants me to go through with the surgery. Am I being selfish to still want to go forward??
My sister in law found her mother in the floor dead. She's been dead for about 3 days!! I just can't believe it! How do I get through this?? How can my hubby get through all of this too!! Not only does he have to deal with me and my surgery, being in the hospital for a couple of days, and then home recovering, trying to keep the kids happy and content, and now to deal with the loss of his mother!???
I want to be here with him during his time of need, but he says that I'm ok and that there is no need for me to have to wait for another 2 months or so to have this done. I've suffered enough he says.
What shall a girl to do????? ~X( 8}

ps. there is no wake or funeral. She is going to be cremated and small family service. Is this still selfish and mean not to be there??

Thanks for listening!

Kim :''( :''( :''(


  • Kim , I am so sorry for your family's loss. I don't think that you are being selfish and it could be that your husband is looking for a distraction from grieving. Taking care of you and the children would keep him busy....just a thought. I wish you and your family nothing but the best....take care....Miki
  • Kim,

    I am sorry for the loss of your mother-in-law. It is sad, and I am sure it effects the whole family. But you know what, life goes on. When you scheduled your surgery you did not anticipate it but now I would just go ahead with it. I respect you husband for supporting you in that. So please, set all guilt aside and just concentrate on you surgery. You can still provide your husband with moral support.

    With all my sympathy to you and your husband.
    Good luck with your surgery,


  • kim- sorry to hear the loss of your MIL. Perhaps you and your husband could have your own mini-remembrance while you are at the hospital. Alot of hospitals have non-denominatinal chapels if that would help...take care...jade
  • I'm sorry to hear about your MIL. :( Such a sad situation but if your husband feels that this is the route you should take then by all means, have the surgery and don't feel guilty about it. I do hope the surgery is a success and I'm keeping you in my thoughts throughout this stressful time.
  • Sorry to hear about your mother in law,good luck with your surgury..take care...
  • I'm sorry :( What a rough week, eh? I agree with Kin... You scheduled your surgery before this happened. And I really think your husband would feel even worse to grieve over his mother AND watch you suffer on top of it. It may actually be good for him to focus on the kids, and the family that he still has... I'm sure at this point in time, he's thanking his lucky stars that he still has you guys. I understand exactly where you're coming from, but there is no reason to feel guilty. It's hard to feel okay about pressing on with life as planned when someone has just lost theirs. As cliche as it sounds, she probably would have wanted you to focus on your recovery. You can always have something small and personal with your husband, like jade said. Putting off something you need in your life for something that has already happened, and cannot be undone, won't help anyone. If your husband requested that you didn't go on with it as planned, because he felt like he couldn't handle it right now, that may be another story. But it sounds like he is a great guy, and wants what is best for his family. Kin brought up the best point... Life goes on. Don't beat yourself up over continuing to do what you need to do in your life... Putting your life on hold won't change the past, only the present and the future, and I really think that's the most important thing for you guys to focus on. It seems he's got a healthy mindset and can handle this.

    I watched my mother basically fall apart after my dad's death 10 years ago. She went into a major depression, and basically did nothing for years. My sisters and I had to take care of ourselves, cook dinner for ourselves, do our own laundry, homeschool ourselves. I realize it's not the same thing... Comparing a few months to a few years, but it's just the concept... Our time here on earth is so limited, and we really have to live each day to it's fullest, and make the most of it that we possibly can. Every minute that passes is one less that we have left. Make each one of those minutes count...

    I hope you can find comfort somewhere; maybe some in the words of others, and find yourself emotionally prepared for your surgery on Thursday. Be assured, it is not wrong for you to help yourself. I wish you the best with your surgery, and this tragic experience you all have to go through on top of that. You have the strength to do it. I have faith in you :)

    >:D< >:D< >:D<
  • Wow I am so sorry to hear about your MIL. I love my MIL dearly, I can't imagine losing her. I personally would have to reschedule. I'd really need to be there for my husband and my children. The first 2-3 weeks can (were for me) be debilitating and I'd want to be with my family as they go through the process of loss. I dealt with my back issues for years whats a few more weeks? But that is just me. You have to do what is right for you. I'd at least put a call in to see how soon you could be rescheduled for. Maybe they can get you in in a couple of weeks? Dr's block out dates all the time, talk to the scheduler and see what she can do for you before you make your decision.

    Again I am so sorry for your loss.
  • Kim, I am so sorry for your families loss.
    Unfortunately the timing is not the best but then it never is.
    I can only echo what has been said that maybe this is what is best for your husband. Being kept busy may be a blessing and you are not being selfish by going ahead with your long awaited surgery.

    You can arrrange to have an intimate family gathering and goodbye when you are on the mend.
    Sending prayers for you all and all the best for your surgery.

    Blessings Sara O:)
  • hello my sympathies are with you. i know exactly how you feel. i too went thru went this recently.
    when it rains it pours for us also. i was scheduled for my shoulder surgery 8-21., my mother -in-law was diagnosed 7-7-08 with inoperable cancer. she lived in another state, and it was hard for us to make trips with my cervical issues, not doing well, and hurting with shoulder. she was in and out of hospitals for biggest part of july and aug. she had took a turn for the worst actually when i was scheduled for surgery. we went ahead with surgery, the following wed. (5 days after surgery) we went to see her, and i almost did not go, it was very painful, but something told me i should go. we came back that evening, and she passed the next afternoon. it was very hard to see my husband deal with his mother and me and our 3 children at the same time. she was also cremated, and he has 1 sister who tried to do everything from state to state is hard. she told me 2 days before surgery , that she would be thinking about me, and i would be fine. she was not the type to interfere with plans for anything, she understood and wanted me to get better. so you see you need to go ahead with living on and trying to get yourself better, if she has seen you suffering with your back, she probably would not have had it any other way. I hope this has helped to know you aren't alone. things happen for a reason. you were meant to have your surgery at this time. we miss her since it has only been since 8-28. you take care of yourself. always LEO
  • so sorry sweetie. >:D<
    i know the choice you are trying to make is so very difficult. do what is best. you will know in your heart.
    not sure how close your family is with each other etc.
    you said things were going to be private.
    your husband is probably right in you not holding off as your suffering so. and i imagine if a caring family they will all understand.
    last year before my sceduled surgery we lost my cousin unexpected. just the services alone wore me out. could not even stay. just in and out.
    this year my uncle passed the day after my surgery and there was just no way i was going to make it for that. and that was going to be a huge tribal burial ceremony.
    but i knew that the family knew that they were all in my thoughts and that i was in theirs.
    so please try to think this out carefully hunny. as i know right now your not on pain meds.

    not to change the subject but mabye to get your mind off of things. did they figure out what they were going to do for pain control for you post op??? iv just never heard of meds making you bleed inside unless they had a motrin base and they were taken for so long that it eats through your belly.
    otherwise narcotics are pretty safe.

    prayers and thoughts are with you and the family.
    terri ;)
  • You've had some rough things to deal with on top of your surgery, not once, but twice. I'm sorry :(

    As for the meds... Yeahhh, I was one of those people who didn't know any better and my old PCP put me on Naproxen for MONTHS, and eventually it like, burned a hole in my stomach. I couldn't eat ANYTHING without spending HOURS curled up in a fetal position holding my stomach because it felt like someone was repeatedly stabbing me. Some of the worst constant pain ever. It kind of felt like... When you get those bursts of unbearable pain, but then it starts to fade... Like that, but it STAYS and you just wait and wonder when it's going to let up. Yuck. My NS's PA put me on Pepcid for right now, so that makes 7 meds I'm taking at once. It hasn't been too bad. Came pretty close to throwing up a few times yesterday, but I think it's because I haven't been eating as much. I've lost just about 30 lbs in a little over two months, and not intentionally. I think my stomach might just be angry with me Lol.
  • Hey Keecho,
    i am so sorry for your family's loss. My heart and prayers go out to you all!

    It is my personal opinion that if I were in your shoes I would go ahead and have the surgery. You have waited long enough and may not get a re-schedule very quickly. Why would you want to pro-long the pain and all that accompanies it. I mean I know that pain will come from the surgery, but it will be like starting a new chapter in the recovery phase of your journey.

    It is so tru how things will just happen all at one time.

    Again, I am so sorry for the loss of a loved one!
    Please feel free to PM me if you need some added support....

  • Thank you all who have responded to me! I feel a whole lot better.
    I am going forward tomorrow with the surgery, that is what the family wants for me. As I am sure my MIL did too.
    I went to her house today to help look things over and kinda said my "goodbyes" to her. I stood where she died and just closed my eyes and said my thoughts to her. I know that she is where she wants to be, with her husband. She has wanted this for a long time now, to be dead with her hubby up in heaven, so I guess this is really a blessing in disguise!
    My hubby is actually doing great! Even his sister! I think that they were prepared for her dying, just a matter of when and how. My hubby wasn't that close to his mother, her choice. She wanted to be a hermit and never acknowledged her grandkids, mine, ages 7 and 10. Oh well, her loss.
    She did however have their pictures all around the house and in front of her when she died, so I'm sure she always thought about them.
    I am now confident that things will be ok with me and my family with all this. They are all strong and have each other!

    As for the pain meds, I should be ok since I haven't been taking anything for a long time now. We will just have to wait and see and trial by error I guess! I have also lost weight, not like LO, but about 15 lbs in 1 month! (I needed to!)

    Well, gotta run! Talk to you all soon!

    Kim >:D<
  • Sounds like you made the right decision Kim. I hope everything goes well and that the surgery will bring you back to where you want to be.

    Good luck and let us know how you fair!!


  • will be thinking of you tomorrow. praying all goes well for you. so sorry for your recent loss. hope to hear from you soon.
  • Keecho, so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking about you and praying for a successful surgery, >:D< Sue
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