I've got to "talk" about this. and anonymity can be a beautiful thing in the cyber world. I had 3 surgeries starting July 9 and ending Aug. 21. the first, a fusion, then I got MRSA- a staph infection so another 5-day hospital stay, then 2 weeks later, they went back in to take out more unhealthy tissue. 3 months later, I am so tired of needing help. If I'm good and "take it easy" I hurt anyway. so lately I'm like, screw it, I'm gonna hurt anyway, might as well not be such a worthless wife and mom. I am 37. two wonderful and healhty kids ages 5 and 11. my husband is a saint for putting up with all this.
he called my neuro yesterday and told him he's worried about me. they talked about depression meds. I've dealt with back issues for over a decade and have never wanted to take anti-depressants. my ex-husband abused all kinds of anti-anxiety and anti-depressants and maybe that's a huge reason I hesitate to ever get on any of those drugs.
I feel guilty for feeling so down. I have a wonderful life if you're on the outside looking in. if you are me, you feel pain all the time, and you're sick of it. and yes, you even think what others I've seen post here have thought... others would be better off without you burdening them forever.
I see my neuro on Monday. I've never done a depression search until a few minutes ago. I'm no doc, but I can pretty much admit I'm depressed. my thoughts, who cares if I'm depressed? well, besides my husband and kids. I hide it pretty well from my kids. my husband, I can't hide it from him. I can hardly talk to him about it, so I write to him and poor guy. he wants so badly to help. I don't know how he can. he can't make me feel better physically. and emotionally, I don't even wanna deal. I just want to go to bed. I don't want to talk, cuz I'll cry. and he would do anything to help me. anything. I just have to ask. but I'm so tired of asking. asking for him to massage my thigh and leg that cramp up so badly in response to pain. or to get me an ice pack for the millionth time. or leave the dishes for him to do. or bathe the kids or pack their lunches... all the things I feel I should do myself.
I'm so rambling here. uugh. I sound like such a whiner. honest to God I feel so badly for feeling down. I'm sure millions of people out there would trade their problems for mine. it's just pain. it's me, thankfully, and not my kids or my husband. I don't lack anything. I work part-time from the comfort of my tempurpedic bed. I'm just tired of pain and pain meds and serious fatigue and feeling worthless.
surely there are better days ahead.
my pain has ruled my life so long. I had a job I loved. I was a reporter/fill-in anchor and loved my job. had to QUIT cuz I couldn't handle the pain and the meds and going "live". and the driving every day was killing me. it hurt so bad to walk away from that. I was thinking so naively, this fall I'd go back to news after my summer fusion. NOPE. so not close to that. so I am blessed with a job I can do from home and I feel good contributing financially to the home but do I love it? no way. (I'm an editor) but oh well, it's not like I can do what I love right now.
I try so hard to be thankful. I believe in God though for the first time in my life a few weeks ago I was starting to wonder if He'd forgotten about me? I didn't stay there long as He has proven himself faithful to me all my life. I wonder if I'm destined to live a life of pain? or is this some kind of test? am I flunking it big-time? my friends think I'm so strong. I hardly ever whine to them. I am positive in my notes. I'm just being very transparent cuz none of you know me. my friends and family think I've handled all this so well. I wonder what they'd think if they knew how down I am? am I supposed to be an example of strength? who am I kidding?
the fusion helped the instability problems I had, but I have a muscle issue that wasn't helped with the fusion (all stems from a major water skiing accident 15 or so years ago), so the search for relief continues. so I have the same pre-fusion pain oh and some more now... from the 3 surgeries' recovery process. lovely. driving hurts. sitting. it all hurts. we quit going to church months ago cuz of me. my husband and I rarely go out cuz of me. I used to be a runner. loved distance running. it was my therapy in life. I haven't run in 2 years and 4 months.
but... honestly, when I'm doped up enough and iced and frozen, I can be so happy in his arms... watching a funny movie after the kids are down. I love my husband and my kids so much. and my home and am so thankful for my job. if I didn't have pain, maybe my life would be too good. maybe that wouldn't be fair? who knows... maybe I need to seriously consider anti-depressants. I wanna cry thinking I got to that point. ok... I'm lying. I am crying already.
I feel like there's nothing to look forward to... cuz it all includes pain. but I know I need to focus on the good, the many blessings in my life. but that doesn't make me "feel" any better. I'm still hurting, still taking meds I want so badly to throw away and never need again. I want to wake up energized.
ok... enough. thanks for listening. if anyone out there like me, didn't want to try anti-depressants, but finally gave in, please let me know if they worked or didn't. I'm sorry for the long post. if you're still reading... wow... thanks.