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The other half

backpainishellbbackpainishell Posts: 970
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am having major problems in my relationship at the moment :( . I have been ill so much and cant see no end to it, its been one thing after another :''( . My fiance and I do not live together #:S . He always wants me to go and see him X( . I have been ill and have asked him to come over to my house, but for no reason i can see , he just wont ~X( . When i try to discuss how im feeling and whats going on with me, he changes the subject :S . I feel alone with all this :''( , i havnt seen much of him because of how poorly i am :( . My problems are long term and are never gonna go away, it will get easier and more under control with the correct medication :( . I just dont know if we should be together anymore :''( whats the point if hes not going to be there for me :( . Has anyone else had simular problems? :O I will also welcome any opinions you may have ! :(


Angie :''(
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Comments

  • Ang...drea here Im sorry you're going throught this, it just adds to the whole mess! In my small circle of family and friends, there are just some who don't wanna see me hurting. The people they love and care about struggle with pain, it make them feel so helpless.
    Hang in there, we are here for you, we do understand.
  • Based off the the tiny bit of info that you have given me from your perspective. It sounds like this gentleman does not have the time or inclination to provide you with the support that you desire. And this *before* you have made the committment of marraige. Love yourself enough to ask for what you really want and need. If that does not sound good to him, let him go. The only thing you will have lost is the struggle to make someone conform to your wishes.

    As difficult as that might sound, it really is that simple.
    Your alternate option would be to love him just as he is, with all of his faults. And find some peace and comfort within yourself again.

    One Love,

    Stephanie
  • Angie,

    Being ill puts an enormous amount of strain on any relationship, let alone one where you aren't just girlfriend/boyfriend, but your not quiet married yet.

    From what you have just said it sounds like hes not ready to commit to the relationship. If he loved you wouldnt he be there by your side? Wouldnt he be able to say to you 'Ang, I love you but I can't cope with watching you in pain, as it makes me feel inadequate as I know that there isnt anything I can do to help ease your pain', or that I just cant deal with not knowing when its going to end, and that you are going to be fully well again.

    I hope that doesnt sound harsh hunnie, its not meant to. I just know from my own relationship how it has made my other half feel. It came to a head when I coughed up blood and ended up in A+E (ER) at a very late time of day ie 1am ish. My husband started talking of divorce, he was fed up of it all. He was fed up of the hysterectomy, the fact he wouldnt be a dad (told him he could if he found someone else, whereas I would never be a mum), he was fed up that my appendix ruptured, he was fed up of the whole constipation issue (has himself convinced I will need an Ileastomy for that), and that here I am waiting for spinal surgery. Then add into the equation I havent worked for 6 months and yep hes not happy.

    I have never felt so alone as I did at that point. However Life is worth fighting for, so here I am doing what I can, when I can. Hubby and I had a real good talk, laid everything down on the table so to speak, and yes we decided to stay married. I understand he is feeling the pressure of my illness, as well as him dealing with how his condition is progressing. I have known for a while he is getting worse, however he has been scared to verbalise it for himself as he is scared.

    Maybe your fiance has lots of issues on his mind and doesnt want to appear selfish by telling you what they are, when he knows you are in severe pain. I hope that makes sense. Maybe try organising a nice meal, and just talk, no pressure on either of you but just enjoy each others company. Thats when you can say about him coming to yours, not you always going to his etc.

    Remember no matter what the outcome, you have a lovely personality, and that has shone through here on this forum. Be proud of who you are, head up, shoulders back and know that you have a whole bunch of friends routing for you.

    Lots of love
    Danni xxx
  • It all comes down to what you are willing to accept from a partner. After seeing what my daughter went through in her marriage (and after 34 years of marriage myself), I gotta tell you---they don't change after you get married. So, if emotional support is a big thing to you, you might have to look elsewhere! He should be there with you and provide everything that needs to be done. Don't sell yourself short, love! Expect and demand what is important to you!
  • Hiya danni, >:D<
    We dont get much of a chance to have a good old natter lately, do we :) . Anyway thankyou for that post that was very interesting and well said =D> .Catch up with you soon >:D< >:D< >:D< >:D<


    Angie x :H
  • Thankyou for the advice >:D< , thats very helpful :S , and makes sense really /:) . >:D<


    Angie x :H
  • Your fiance sounds like a fairweather friend and only wants to be around you if you don't mention your pain. All he wants is loving and no involvement in your pain life. Many relationships I guess break up because of lack of support. i truly suggest a therapist for you to talk to and leave things with your therapist. As your relationship grows and having a third non judgemental outlook may help you. Once married the relationship is different because marriage is for better or worst, but not all marriages survive. My husband doesn't want to hurt me so we avoid relationship stuff for right now when I'm so ill. We even sleep in different rooms because I can't take much movement in the bed and get up frequently because of pain. It's because we've been married 17 years so there is more give for him as I can't do much. I tell him to find someone else it's not fair for him to suffer because of my backpain. The ortho blew me off when I told him I have no feeling there anymore. Typical how to treat a woman Maybe if I were male things would be different. No offense to men here it's just that when a male has sexual problems they are more able to get treated I believe. My husband does the cooking dishes shopping, some cleaning. If it's true love though Angie he would be there for you. If you just want to remain loving friends that's all right. Can you expect him to be more in your life? Can he live without you? Have you proposed or see yourself living with him? When you met him were you having pain? If so he already knows things involved. For him to stay away is a sign he is emotioanlly distant. I'm not sure how long you were engaged but how come the long wait? I hope things work out for you Angie, you're so nice and I can't say live without him to you because maybe he supports you some way. Damn pain in our way of relationships. Hope things work out for you. Take care. Charry >:D<
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Hi Angie,

    Thank you so much for starting this thread up. I dont mean 'm happy you are experiencing relationship problems but from the point of view it has highlighted some really interesting ideas.

    When my hubby and I got together he was up front with me and told me about his muscle wasting condition I asked him lots of questions about what it felt like, how it had a him and his life and how he had dealt with it. ie were screaming night cramps as bad as they sound (answer yes they are, have witnessed him go through them many many times now, it reduces a grown man to tears some nights, when the cramp just doesn't want to go away).

    We both felt and knew that honest open communication was very very important in our relationship. At times its been really hard, been caught a couple of times in a real dilemma. Do you tell them and possibly hurt their feelings, even though you have been totally honest and thats what you both wanted in this relationship? Do you not tell them and they find out anyway and they experience twice the hurt ie the issue itself and the fact you couldnt tell them about it yourself. I hope that makes sense.

    Angie, sit down with him, lay your cards on the table so to speak. Find out where you stand with this guy. Are you friends? Are you more than friends? Are you real fiance material in this guys eyes? Does he see you as his wife when the time is right.

    This might go one or two ways. He declares his undying love for you, apologises for his behaviour etc and you move on from there, or he calls time on the relationship if you want more from it than him. Either way hunnie you know where you stand and you hold you head up high with your shoulders back and you deal with it like the strong woman you are. We are here for you, night and day, you know that. You mean the world to us, you are one special person Angie.

    So hunnie I apologise I if have upset you in any way, I didnt mean to, and I hope things have improved since your last post.

    Love and hugs
    Danni xxx ooo xxx

  • hi angie

    u r not alone here is my story. i was dating this guy i met at the gym. we were training to run a marathon. all was great.

    i went on vaca and injured myself. he flew out to rescue me, moved in, took care of me, stood by me and loved me.

    however . . . .he did have some resentment and i am sure he was not straight thinking at times. that is a man for yah. they do that. they love you and will do lots for u but when it comes to emotional lovey dovey stuff some men just do not get it.

    i know that steve will do anything i ask. he may be a bit pissy about it but he will do it.

    it has been a long haul for us but there is a brighter side. every couple of weeks i get a bit of my previous life back. he sees this and realizes that eventually i will be super duper again.

    u will eventually get on the right meds and all will be well with you. if he sticks it out great if he does not . . .oh well.

    i am sure u were fine before he came along and u will be fine if he is not there again. every relationship is a learning opportunity and never a waste of time. learn from it and move on if u need to. =D>
  • Hiya Charry,
    Thankyou for your reply and sharing that wih us >:D< . When we met it was 10years ago (i did have back problems but not like it is now) oh how things were so different back then 8> . But we only got engaged last year, he proposed to me and i accepted :X . I can see us getting married and living together :) .Since i started this post we have been talking much more :) , and hes different towards me :X .He has been coming to my house much more :O ,. We have been cuddling up on the sofa in front of the T.V, this is somthing we have never done :) .After all he can see im ill :& So yes we are getting along just fine at the moment, he is taking me to the hospital when i have the injections on the 28th and hes going to wait for me :) . I had to smile though he thinks its just like an injection you have in your arm :))( oh boy is he in for a shock lol .


    Angie x
  • >:D< >:D< >:D< Thankyou >:D< >:D< >:D<

    We are talking much more and working through this :) , he says he dont deal with illness very well :S , i said to him, neither do i :S , he said, between us we cant let it knock down ;) , what we built up :) . Things are a better than they were between us :) , we are making plans which i would never do because of how my back plays up :? , he said we can work around that and not to worry :S , and that i have him now :X .

    Angie x
  • Thankyou for your reply >:D< Your post has given me hope 8> . The doctor yesterday said there wasnt anything else he could do :''( .And to hear his words they was gut wrenching :( As for me and my other half i think we will be ok :) , i will keep you all updated >:D< .



    Angie x :H
  • hey angie

    everyone goes through ups and downs. just remember to care for u. i know in the past i was really caring to much about other people. i am a RN so i guess it is just duty.

    after this last 6 months i realize that i need to take care of me first.

    i have come to realize that a man should compliment u and not bring u down. although downs do occur u get through them. PM me. added u as buddy. thinking of u.
  • Yes you are right :) , i do need to take care of myself more :? . I also worked in mental health :) , and i have always put the care of others before myself O:) .



    Angie x :H
  • I agree exactly. Good luck to you.
    dannik said:
    Angie,

    Being ill puts an enormous amount of strain on any relationship, let alone one where you aren't just girlfriend/boyfriend, but your not quiet married yet.

    From what you have just said it sounds like hes not ready to commit to the relationship. If he loved you wouldnt he be there by your side? Wouldnt he be able to say to you 'Ang, I love you but I can't cope with watching you in pain, as it makes me feel inadequate as I know that there isnt anything I can do to help ease your pain', or that I just cant deal with not knowing when its going to end, and that you are going to be fully well again.

    I hope that doesnt sound harsh hunnie, its not meant to. I just know from my own relationship how it has made my other half feel. It came to a head when I coughed up blood and ended up in A+E (ER) at a very late time of day ie 1am ish. My husband started talking of divorce, he was fed up of it all. He was fed up of the hysterectomy, the fact he wouldnt be a dad (told him he could if he found someone else, whereas I would never be a mum), he was fed up that my appendix ruptured, he was fed up of the whole constipation issue (has himself convinced I will need an Ileastomy for that), and that here I am waiting for spinal surgery. Then add into the equation I havent worked for 6 months and yep hes not happy.

    I have never felt so alone as I did at that point. However Life is worth fighting for, so here I am doing what I can, when I can. Hubby and I had a real good talk, laid everything down on the table so to speak, and yes we decided to stay married. I understand he is feeling the pressure of my illness, as well as him dealing with how his condition is progressing. I have known for a while he is getting worse, however he has been scared to verbalise it for himself as he is scared.

    Maybe your fiance has lots of issues on his mind and doesnt want to appear selfish by telling you what they are, when he knows you are in severe pain. I hope that makes sense. Maybe try organising a nice meal, and just talk, no pressure on either of you but just enjoy each others company. Thats when you can say about him coming to yours, not you always going to his etc.

    Remember no matter what the outcome, you have a lovely personality, and that has shone through here on this forum. Be proud of who you are, head up, shoulders back and know that you have a whole bunch of friends routing for you.

    Lots of love
    Danni xxx
  • It sounds like you 2 will make it. I am rooting for you!
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