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4 days without crying

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,900
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:24 AM in Depression and Coping
I made it 4 days without crying. but today I got a note in the mail from one of my ex-running buddies. I basically trained her to run her first marathon in 2000. she wanted to quit so often. but I wouldn't let her. :) I can be bossy! and she ran a strong first marathon. so anyway, this past weekend was a race I've run maybe 12 years or so, a huge 15K run-- the biggest race in the state. and she said next year we'd be running it together. and I started to cry. you can imagine why. I would do ANYTHING. I mean ANYTHING to go run a "quick 6" like I used to. or a "nice and easy 10" (as in miles). I can't believe that was nothing back then. today... I couldn't run a mile if you paid me. but maybe... I'm so scared to dream anymore. but maybe... maybe next year I could do the 5K. maybe it won't be half marathons or 15K's anymore. maybe it will be 5K's. but maybe I could run again someday. if not here, in heaven for SURE. I miss it so much. that was such a lame thing to write. duh. it's beyond missing. it hurts to be stuck in this body. the emotional pain sometimes is even worse than the physical. this is not me! the real me is a runner. the real me would get up early on a saturday morning to run her favorite run of the week-- the long run. this me wakes up early in the a.m. to take meds and go back to sleep. uugh. I am thankful I can walk. I am thankful I am alive. please know that about me. I could've died from MRSA this summer. I could've died in a car accident today. anyone of us could. I'm grateful for the rest of my healthy body. I'm grateful I can see and hear and able to take care of my family. it just sucks to not be able to do what I want to for so long. I'm just venting. I know you understand and I know you've all given up so much already. I want to believe someday I will get back some of what I've given up. maybe this is just temporary. a bump in the road. one of life's curve balls. a girl can hope, right?
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Comments

  • G.-you did good, and it IS okay to cry. I think it comes down to adapting to our new normal, as I have heard it called time and time again here on SH. Maybe you will run again someday, but if not, I am sure you will do something active and equally as rewarding. Have you considered walking marathons? I know some girls at work who are involved with Team in Training that walk (or run) to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They do full or half marathons. They train together locally and then travel doing the marathons. I have inquired about getting involved, now that I can walk again without limping.

    I think it is normal to mourn your old self. Not to say you will never get back to that, some do. But if not, you can still create a new self with your new normal that is equally rewarding. Hang in there and vent all you want, that is what this place is for. >:D< Sue
  • Oh you write as much as you want to.
    I am not the person i used to be and so are so many others.
    Will you get to that point again?? mabye
    Will you do less then you did before but the same ? mabye

    Never ever give up hope. which seems you have not.
    frustrated yes. giving up NO WAY >:D< >:D< >:D<

    I do not know what its like to walk to the next house, go to the mall, even just the simple grocery anymore.
    because my body will not allow right now.
    but finding my latest issue mabye?? You bet ya!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D

    Will i sleep through the night? mabye but i will sure strive for that I) I) I)

    Will on jump on a firetruck or ambulance again? ehhhhh nahhhhh #o [( ;) ;) ;) ;) That is way to much to ask for. but that was my old life and i am looking forward to starting a new life.
    Will i be able to go to the gym? YESSSS
    Will i be able to do housework? YESSS
    Will i be able to walk 2 plus miles? YESSS
    Will i be able to spend more time with friends and family?
    YESSSSS

    So there is a bunch of other things that can take up for the old things.

    Like cali said mabye try walking groups instead. as you know from being a runner there are a TON of them out there. you can contribute your expertise and let your pesonality shine that way. O:) O:) O:)
    HECK you can train me to walk again =)) =))

    I'm very excited about my new adventure after my upcoming surgery so I have blood flow. I feel like 120 yr old in a 41 yr old body. just like a bowl of jello, a manikin used for episodes of E.R. and Greys!! =)) #:S

    So just stay on the right track and stay mentally focused on what is coming to your life.
    YES your right sometimes the mental is worse then the physical. and sometimes that happens without warning and well if you are in pain its a given for it to happen.

    BUT seems like i said your ok. ;) People that hold it in and don't vent it out well they are up for self destruction.
    I hate seeing that.

    We are all in this together!!! >:D< >:D<

    Lots of love, hugs and HOPE
    Terri O:) O:) O:) >:D< >:D< >:D< :*
  • I know you've heard it a million times, but! you're so sweet! surely one can't get tired of kind works, right? :)
    you obviously speak as someone who has "been there". dealt with many sleepless and painful nights. exhausting and painful days. but, you, like I try to be, are also a person with a healthy perspective of life. in spite of our physical and emotional challenges, we are blessed and we know it and we're so thankful. but! we're also human and I'm learning it's OK to have sucky days and say it. it doesn't make me ungrateful or whiney. two things I never want to be. thank you for sharing from your heart and making me smile. :) I said it about celebrex, I'll say it about you... you da bomb! >:D<
    G.
  • Once a runner, always a runner!!! I used to be distance runner, and at times it hurts to see others running. I miss it, too. So, it's okay to be sad about it. Running is a huge part of life to those who do it. So, be kind to yourself. Bless you--Mazy
  • yes... it's hard not to miss. this was my favorite time of the year to run. when the heat of summer finally ended... and the trees turned a thousand colors. the wind in my face... my pony-tail swishing back and forth, back and forth in a rhythmic-almost-trance-like way. I always felt so free... so strong... so happy when I ran.
    thanks for understanding!
  • Be bossy with yourself and realistic you knew your friend would benefit from your advice and that was good for you to share, it is a wonder we ever stop crying at all I did some of mine in secret, all that angst all the hurt and pain in those tears, hope expectation, disappointment and dreams, life.

    Thinking of what could happen should cheer us up and for some this is the life that they have, I cannot walk well and am grateful for all the things you mention and many more. Crying is good is shows that we are unhappy what is going on and planning for a better future.

    Pain changes our hopes and dreams it gives us opportunity to see things that we may have missed and the beauty of it all, we sure are looking now and life goes on, even at our pace.

    Take care and be kind to yourself.

    John
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