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Feeling down today, missing those that I love

Cath111CCath111 Posts: 3,702
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Matters of the Heart
I am feeling very down today. I've never put all this in one place before, but feel the need to do it now and perhaps this isn't the right venue, but I don't have any place else to put it. Sorry if it's too long or depressing, just have to put it somewhere.

I grew up in a very loving family: mom, dad, three brothers, two sisters - the Brady Bunch you might say. I've always been the peace keeper in the family and got along with everyone even though they may not have gotten along with each other sometimes. But I'm the youngest of them all, and perhaps I wore rose-colored glasses. My mom, one of my sisters, Mary Lynn, and I were particularly close and called ourselves The Three Muskateers - we went to breakfast and then garage saleing every Saturday and were always there for each other. Mary Lynn and I even "watched" TV together on the phone.

My father and I owned a graphic arts company together for over 5 years and he taught me everything I know about the commercial art business. I'm still in it to this day.

16 years ago, my father died of complications of emphysema on Jan. 30. 11 years ago, my mom had a stoke and we had to take her off life support on Dec. 6, one day before her Wedding Anniversary with my father. 6 years ago, my sister, Mary Lynn, my last Musketeer left, committed suicide on Jan. 9. I believe she couldn't deal with the death of my mother - but what about leaving me? 1 year ago, my brother Eric died after heart issues due to diabetes on Dec. 20 (but his story is a very long one).

In essence, I've had someone I love die every 5 years for the past 20 years. And all around the holidays. I try to keep up a good face for my husband, but it's difficult. He doesn't like to see me down and oddly, doesn't understand why I would be. My husband is the absolute best, but his family (mom, 3 brothers and 1 sister) has never sent me a card or a phone call during any of this over the years. Not one condolense, or call of comfort.

And now, here I sit, 8 weeks out of surgery and I'm having chronic pain and I'm thinking how much life can suck. Everyone's saying "Happy Holidays" and "Have a Good Christmas" and it makes me want to run and hide under the covers in my bed. Things that happen can really take it out of you, you know? Why does this have to happen? How much does someone have to take?

Ok, pity party's got to end. I'm sorry for the long, depressing post. I've just kinda had it right now and like I said, had to put it somewhere and think there might be some of you who understand. Sometimes things just overwhelm you and take over. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow's another day.

Cath
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Comments

  • There is a simple thing amongst the complexity of life that is the human spirit. I urge you to see the best in what you have and go see a sight you have never seen before. I offer you a card of the greatest sympathy and hope you get through the holidays being your best. With the most sincerity, Ed.
  • Always around the holidays when you lose someone it's difficult. Talk to your siblings and try to remember the good times you had as a rememberence to them. As for your husband's side of the family maybe they feel like family and they don't send cards in a family. It's good you can vent it here and I think stuff becomes more pronounced as you're healing and the meds can make you more sensitive. I know your family wouldn't want you to feel sad around the holidays. But I acknowledge how you're feeling. Ed above says it all. Wishing you healing thoughts. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • Sorry you are feeling so low; glad you decided to post. Know that you are not alone in your feelings.Better to vent and let it out. I'm sure most of us have pity parties every now and then. You have been thru a lot, especially since October. Please try to be kind to yourself. God bless ya--Mazy
  • This time of year is hard on people in general. Lots of family put financial pressures on themselves and are depressed when they have to choose between presents for loved ones vs paying the light bill in Dec. Also anytime someone leaves us there is a hole there that nothing can fill. I miss my Dad every holiday. No one can tell stories the way my Dad could. He could keep us spellbound with stories from his childhood. I miss him because so much of life has happened that he's missed. Lots of great things. Like the birth of my grandson. His great grandson. I feel lucky to have my mother still and my siblings but I have been to 3 funerals this past year. All of them for people who were basically my age and I'm only 43. You have a right to want to hide under the covers and forget Dec. 25th but please don't. Try to remember those you love that have moved on to a better place but don't stop living your life because it's you who misses out on the joy and happiness life has to offer. We get thrown a lifeline. It's just up to us to grab it or not. Please grab it and remember those you loved and live your life like there might be no tomorrow. That has been my mantra for the past 2 years. To live every day like it might be my last. If you need to vent we are here for you. There is never a wrong place to reach out for help. That's what friends do for friends and I have met some of the greatest friends right here on this forum. You can talk to us about whatever troubles you. Our physical health is directly related to our mental health and it's hard enough to fight the physical battles that we have and the mental issues that come with that. We all understand how you feel. Believe me.
  • I know this time of the year must be very difficult for you, and I'm so sorry.

    I am just now getting over losing my husband 10 years ago, my dad 9 years ago and my mom 5 years ago.

    I'll tell you what helped me get through the holidays this year (and it REALLY did help). Even though I'm sad and a little lonely, I have to remember that I am NOW making memories for my children and grandchildren. I don't want them to remember me as being sad and depressed at Christmas! So, I put my sadness on a backburner where I'll still be able to get to it sometimes, but the frontburner is for the here and now.

    May 2009 be a much better year for you!
  • I posted somewhere else that Christmas is supposed to be such a wonderful time of year, but when you've suffered losses, it's a time for grieving more than anything.

    I lost both of my inlaws in 2008 and my son lost a friend in a car accident; Christmas was still wonderful because I am lucky enough to still have my own family, but there was such a feeling of emptiness as well.

    It's okay to dread this time of year; you can do your best, but those feelings will come up when you least expect them to. Allow yourself to grieve; it's a natural course of life and the only thing that will help you get through this yourself. Be kind to yourself, too; "treat yourself like you would treat your best friend". (I've heard that many times on this forum, and we often put ourselves last....)

    Take care, and I hope you find a ray of sunshine soon that progresses to blue skies again.

    Tracy
  • I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.

    ( ( HUGS ) )

    Cheri
  • I so appreciate all of your kind words. It means more than you know. >:D<

    I got through that horrible day when I couldn't stop crying and ended up having a nice Christmas with my husband and friends.

    I usually have such a good attitude that I find it disturbing when I have one of those days that everything makes me cry. I'm sure most if not all of you understand what I mean.

    Take care and here's to a better year!
    Cath
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