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ever have scarry conversations with yourself

AnonymousUserAAnonymousUser Posts: 49,731
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Depression and Coping
Just wondering how many people have had conversations such as, "Just shoot me," or "Maybe I would be better off if I had my leg amputated," or "They are kinder to animals?"
I've been in some pretty dark places in recovery, if you can call failed back surgery recovery. Not sure what category it falls under. For awhile I couldn't decide whether having my leg was worth it.
A very spiritual massage therapist was working on me about 2 yrs. after my surgery. She had an idea of what happened to me, but when she asked, "Are you angry with your leg?" It kind of freaked me out. I couldn't say, NO, so I said, "Yes, I am. It hurts all the time and keeps me from doing a lot of things i used to do and want to do."
She said, "What does your leg have to do with all that. It sounds to me like pain is keeping you from doing things. You should be compassionate to your leg it's done a lot for you and for many years did whatever you asked of it, and whatever healing might be possible won't happen in all that negative energy."
I wish there would have been more healing in my leg, but what she said got me thinking and was more than the likely the start of some much needed emotional healing. :)

Have any of you every had scarry conversations with yourselves? #:S



  • I've thought certain things like that when I'm having alot of pain. We have to nurture ourselves and I think back or leg pain has anything to do with lack of loving one part. We love our wholeselves but pain can play a number on us. Pain control is important as well and if we're out of pain we have less and less of those thoughts. It's normal to have thoughts like that and not dwell on them. Take care. Charry
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I've had so many conversations with myself, it's a good thing that there are no hidden cameras in the house because I would be locked into a looney bin. The most commen phrase out of me? "They would shoot a horse for less than this"! Oh, and of course there's "That Fu$#@ing doctor who did this to me in the first place, I wish I could kill her!". She really screwed my back up, I wouldn't be in this type of pain but for her. Talk about some serious malpractice. She got away with it though because by the time I found out what it was that she had done so wrong it was too late to file a lawsuit. So I also got stuck with all of the medical costs and she get's away with my money and nothing else. Can you hear the anger in this? But yes, it's perfectly normal to have these thought's, I believe that we all do. I really liked the story about your therapist, she must have been very inspirational to go to.
  • I thought about a lawsuit as well. My only problem was that the docs who did second and third opinions all said it looked like a good fusion. So, I couldn't get anything, or anyone to say the surgery caused the nerve damage. Before surgery I had right leg flank pain running down the outside of my leg.
    After the surgery my right foot wouldn't move (It's still very weak but after hours of PT I can make it land on the heal instead of ball of my foot, it aches alll the time) AND my left didn't work at all. Did you hear that! My left leg didn't work at all! :''( It took six months of PT to learn to walk again and all the docs said, "LOOKS LIKE A GOOD FUSION," not to mention the pain I am in 24/7 because of damaged nerves. :|
    The hard thing about malpractice: INTENT, did the doc do something wrong and can you prove it?
    Anyway, no lawsuit. I had to come to terms with crap happens and it happened to me.
    I'm sorry to hear that it happened to you as well. If you don't mind my asking, what exactly happened to you?
  • all the time!
    i thought by now that i would have recovered ..no chance..like the post on learning to live with whats left .its not easy .some times i just dont bother i will sit in my recliner and block the world out!!
  • are sometimes the only ones you can have.

    I've learned today, to my cost, that if you share suicidal thoughts with friends, some can't handle it, and then disappear in a cloud of dust.

    Making you feel even more lonely and bereft.
  • With friends like that, who needs enemies, right? Good friends rise to the top when difficulties arise. I have been blessed with 2 really wonderful friends who are always with me no matter what. Lost my best friend (hubby) 10 years ago...he was always my best cheerleader and always on my side (even when I might have been wrong about something). Be thankful that they left...gives you the chance to develop new and better friendships. Blessings to you, Janey! And hugs! >:D< >:D<
  • ...worry about having arguments with yourself and loose them all the time. Then you need help.

    So far I have noticed that the ones who talk the most about suicide are attention getters. They aren't the ones who will go through with it most of the time. We've seen it on here many times. The ones who don't tell you are the ones you read about most often in the paper. They just do it.
  • attention seeking or a genuine plea for help?
  • Ask yourself this.....could there be an antidepressant medication that could help me cope better? Ben wouldn't take and antidepressant.......have I made my point?
    I"m not trivializing your symptoms or thoughts by any means, in fact you people are my heroes. Elavil has helped me tremedously with pain, depression, and sleep. That's my two cents for what it's worth:-)
  • you have us!!! pm anybody, we're there!! we may not know what to say but we can certainly relate.
    your friend in pain and hope,
  • I have these thoughts all the time but the thought of my children living without their mother is enough to snap me out of it. How could they ever forgive me. I could not do something like that to my family,however there have been times I've thought what's worse, a mom who can't do much and is a burden to everyone or one who's not there. Given the fact that my mother walked out on me at an early age, I would much prefer a mother in chronic pain that's tries her best to be there for me than one who isn't there at all.

    Vicki, I am so sorry for your loss. I didn't get a chance to know your brother and I regret that as from reading on here it looks like he touched a lot of lives in positive ways.
  • All the time. I "talk" myself to sleep. Much better than medication if I can tell my body to let go for the night and my brain can stop now. Your therapist was very compassionate to tell you to be thankful for your leg and treat it nicely. It's like talking to kids, pets, plants, etc...if you put positive energy out there and are compassionate, the negativity and "hurting" decreases. Not to get all new-agey on you but positive affirmations do help and the hospital I had my surgery at included visualization techniques and aromatherapy in its recovery program. Couldn't find a more humane and compassionate group of people.

    Anyway, the point is..if you are having scary conversations with yourself and in a dark place, you might try giving yourself a compliment, give your body a compliment, and know that the darkness can be a life sentence or it can be a temporary situation. Please be kind to yourself. >:D<
  • marram said:

    Anyway, the point is..if you are having scary conversations with yourself and in a dark place, you might try giving yourself a compliment, give your body a compliment, and know that the darkness can be a life sentence or it can be a temporary situation. Please be kind to yourself. >:D<
    Absolutely. One thing I learned from therapy and a really good book I just finished. Pessimism and constant negativity will make you more ill and keep you ill. Optimism helps mind and body. Not to get new-agy or self-help too, but, it makes sense. One of the big things. You need to see your problems as temporary and setbacks that can be addressed. Thinking of them as permanent and pervasive is very damaging. Stop talking to yourself in a negative manner when you catch yourself doing it. I know all this self-help stuff is easy to say but harder to do. Believe me I do. But I am trying it and it makes me more calm.
  • We have all talked to ourselves at one time or another and our PM residential helped us equate the rational of winning in this process and rationalising the reality of our inner thoughts, we all have them and were encouraged to give ours a name and identity.

    For me I need sufficient thought that makes the pain a reality and keeps the goals both short and long term related my capability and not the misconception of developing inherent disappointment in expecting more than I could deliver. It is understandable that some continue in catstrophizing the plight they find themselves in and the rational us would try to develop an improving strategy for coping with the reality, rather than what we may perceive as being the final outcome. A good talk to yourself will never go amiss and even the negative thoughts process a more positive and attainable outcome and process.

    Good MH is vital is aswaging depression that increases the propensity for us to feel negatively about our situation, we read many variants of experience here and not all with be repeated in us, even though my fusion failed, I am an avid supporter of doing what is best for you as an individual and not presenting my plight as the panacea of what will or even could happen to others.

    We need a positive thought thread, one a day. Where the word pain is never mentioned.

    Take care, John
  • WOW, that was heady! But, for the most part I think I actually understand what you said. It's not so much about what you think, but what you perceive. Meaning what you think isn't necesarily what's going to happen, or what is happening and there is a difference between reality and how we perceive it. Our thinking tends to be based more on perception than reality.
    That said, you are a fellow failed spinal fusion person! :S Not sure whether I should be happy to find such a person, or sad it didn't work for you either. Just wondering...did you go through a lot of anger when you first realized it? Did you think about sueing your doc? Did it take a long time to accept it even happened?
    Wondering because I went through all of the above! I had the surgery to get out of pain and ended up in worse pain. I felt cheated and defeated all at the same time.
  • dilaurodilauro ConnecticutPosts: 9,736
    I tend to have some good conversations with myself. Most of the time, I am fortunate and I agree with myself.
    But this way, I do reduce the chances of people disagreeing with me.

    Seriously, over the past 35 years, I can not tell you how many times, I've talked to myself about my condition.

    - If Only
    - What If I
    - Nothing can be done
    - etc

    Luckily, for all the times I've talked to myself I have a family that will reel me back into reality.
    Ron DiLauro Spine-Health System Administrator
    I am not a medical professional. I comment on personal experiences
    You can email me at: rdilauro@veritashealth.com
  • I often asked myself, how did this happen, didn't I do enough? and "What good am I now? I can't do anything!"
    I feel so frustrated when I see a pile of laundry that seems so intimidating. Even getting up is a chore. Speaking of chores, I used to pride myself in having a clean house and dinner on time. Scratch that, it ain't happening. What can you do?
    I feel like I'm a let down sometimes. I don't cry anymore about losing my formal self, I just get bitter. My family doesn't expect me to do the things I used to, but if I get something done, it gets acknowledged and I feel good about myself temporarily.
  • Please, please don't get bitter! It just eats away at who you are. You know the old saying, "...bad things in our lives either make us bitter or better." For me, I choose better! It's just not worth what it does to us to get bitter.
  • That makes a lot of sense. I felt like that at my lowest point. And I would envy people who are mobile and care free, I know that sounds crazy. I yearn to be like them again. Never had I thought I would be stuck at home because of all the pain. I want to feel young and pain free again so I can do fun stuff with my kids and we could all go to places like Sea World. We used to take trips to the beach and camp out for a few days, go to zoos, etc. I feel like I'm missing out on good times, but I do cherish being with family and having get togethers. It's all that really matters - quality time with the ones you love
  • JLstansforjudylynn,
    Even if that perception is of our own making we have to deal with that and debate that reality within ourselves, we are all individual and have unique experience of pain and although we have group thought, which we can all work on collectively we need to get ourselves to that place to start.

    As a newbie the perception is that you may be able to work through the pain and carry on as normal and that is based on the experience we have at that time, living in pain is accepting more of those misconceptions and working toward those at times unreachable goals and the hard bit is living with the pain and accepting those limits for the need of being realistic, it is and continues to be a problem living with what is left and encouraging yourself with the game face of hope, encouragement and the future.

    Who would not be angry at a life tainted by pain and the divergence from myself in 91 was also based on my perception of where I thought I was going, that is not an end product just a projection and we use that blueprint as a perceived measure of failure in what we though would happen in our healthy persona. My own wonderful life epitaph will see that I have grown and as Zach once said, thankful for this experience, 0.1% as it changed who I became, in reflective moments I imagine who I would have become and the core me is still the same only much improved.

    Sternbach had much to say about compensation, it is unrealistic to be positive all the time and with that knowledge we have the opportunity to plan for the periodic down times that entwine our existence. Perhaps being too positive is equaly fraught with problems as entrenched negativity and the whole thing is a balance.

    Take care John
  • Without the negative it would be difficult to see the positive, but I think we all fear the darkness within ourselves. I think the main thing is how a person values themselves. I here some 'not good enoug,' in some posts. What is good enough? Is it good enough to be a human being who experiences set backs, pain, and moments where the goodness in life peeks through in a smile, a laugh or a conversation with a loved one? I think so! Is it good enough to be a person with the opportunity to experience life whether in a dark moment or one of joy?
    Both are part of life. Both are what everyone has whether in pain or not. All those people living a life without pain have their dark times and setbacks as well. Where we choose to wear them and how we choose to label them is up to us.
    Without darkness who could see the light?
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