Welcome, Friend!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Veritas-Health LLC has recently released patient forums to our Arthritis-Health web site.

Please visit http://www.arthritis-health.com/forum

There are several patient story videos on Spine-Health that talk about Arthritis. Search on Patient stories
Protect anonymity
We strongly suggest that members do not include their email addresses. Once that is published , your email address is available to anyone on the internet , including hackers.

All discussions and comments that contain an external URL will be automatically moved to the spam queue. No external URL pointing to a medical web site is permitted. Forum rules also indicate that you need prior moderator approval. If you are going to post an external URL, contact one of the moderators to get their approval.
Attention New Members
Your initial discussion or comment automatically is sent to a moderator's approval queue before it can be published.
There are no medical professionals on this forum side of the site. Therefore, no one is capable or permitted to provide any type of medical advice.
This includes any analysis, interpretation, or advice based on any diagnostic test

New Diagnosis and Hubby didn't listen

griffggriff Posts: 496
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:26 AM in Matters of the Heart
I saw a vascular surgeon this week at the advise of my neurosurgeon who thought that I might have thoracic outlet syndrome. Turns out that I do, of course. Apparently when I had my accident I tore some muscles in my neck and the scar tissue is squeezing the nerve bundle that goes into my arms. Both sides are affected but the right side is much worse. Surgery may be my only option because of the nature of the injury.

My husband works out of town and I called him after my doc visit. He didn't have time to talk and, later that evening he was too tired. We still haven't discussed it and I saw the surgeon on Wednesday. My mom still doesn't really know about it either (she lives with us) because she's been really out of it and couldn't understand what I was talking about. I'm taking her to the doctor today and hopefully we'll find out what's going on with her.

I can't help but feel hurt at the lack of concern here. I know he's "tired" of dealing with my problems but I don't think this is fair. I needed to talk about it- I've already had 2 surgeries in the last year and the thought of another one is scary.

He's left me so alone in this whole ordeal and I guess it's no different this time. Perhaps someday I'll get used to living alone in this relationship.

Thanks for letting me vent,


  • I'm really sorry that you have had such a rough time of it and that your hubby isn't as supportive as you need at the moment. I can't imagine going it alone. You are one strong individual, and I admire that!

    Hang in there!

  • :) so sorry this is the approach your husband is taking. being in a relationship but feeling alone is so frustrating i am sure. ~X( i am really sorry you are alone right now!! remember you have your SH family. :D Jenny :)
  • hi griff,
    ive always read your posts and found them intresting.
    i feel for you at this time as i understand where you are coming from.
    at times i feel like i am talking to a brick wall in this house!!!
    thats when i sign on here and know that there is always someone who is willing to take the time to sympathise with me.
    although you medical condition seems to be a lot worse than mine we all still need the love and support from our families.
    as for the mother side off things well hell thats a totally different story!!
    my mother is 83 yrs old and lives with my brother....and she still rules the roost!!! she says jump we all say how high!and yes they are hard to deal with, at times you just want them to be you loving caring mother and rap you up in a blanket and take care off you.i think we all feel that way and its so hard to remember that they are getting old and i suppose its our turn to look after them.
    i hope you get things sorted at the docs with your mother and just set that hubby down when he comes back home and explain to him you need him you cant do this on your own a little TLC wont go a miss.
    i find you need to plant the seed with hubbys and make them believe everything is their idea....takes a while for the seed to grow mind you!!...but gets there eventually.
    good luck griff and let us all here know how you get on.
    thinking about you.

    LOVE P
  • Hey griff, for the year or so I have been on the forum, I have learned a lot from your posts and experiences. You've helped many folks with your insight. I know this doesn't help with your hubby, but I wanted to say thanks and let you know we are here for you. ---Mazy
  • Sorry you feel all alone with this new diagnosis on top of everything else.Sometimes husbands are tired and have delayed reactions. Maybe he needs time to process it. I hope that this is the case, but right now you need all the support you can get. We're here for you >:D<
  • It may be hard for your husband as his job out of town is his focus right now. When he's home he may be more supportive. Men are more visual beings and being with you he may then be able to be supportive. He may not know what to say right now to help you espescially if things are hard at work. Also you have to take care of your Mom and she's not able to give you support. Perhaps a sibling may be more sympathetic and also should be helping out with the care of your Mother. Sometimes you may need a Therapist to talk to as they can be more objective and give you more answers. Hug yourself and know we're standing with you! You will be atrong through this and even now your husband may feel helpless. You need to show him you're able to be independant and strong through this. }:) I'm really being the devil's advocate here and may be wrong with what he thinks. I'm sorry your not getting the support you need and know we're here for you. Light a candle and that may be symbolic and make a wish or say a prayer for yourself that it will be allright and you'll get through this and then blow out the candle and know that your prayer or wish will come true. O:) I believe that He will make a way where there is no way if only you believe. It's good you can vent here and we'll be here to give you validation. Take care. Charry >:D<
    DDD of lumbar spine with sciatica to left hip,leg and foot. L4-L5 posterior disc bulge with prominent facets, L5-S1 prominent facets with a posterior osteocartilaginous bar. Mild bilateral foraminal narrowing c-spine c4-c7 RN
  • I'm sorry Ben isn't here for you to talk to because I think he could give you insight better than me. It is true that sometimes timing is everything. It is also true that men have to believe things are their idea and sometimes it does take a while to process. Men are also programmed to fix whatever is wrong and when they can't it totally frustrates them. They don't always understand that you just need to talk about it......that doesn't compute with them....soooo you have to tell them. This has been my experience with my hubby and I've heard other men voice the same. I hope that helped somewhat. I think if we could think like men and they could think like us then we would have it made. I hope this helped somewhat. I hope things are better for you and hubby by the time you read my 2 cents:-)
  • I agree with Charry, men are visual people and when he gets home, maybe he'll understand better. With my first surgeon, the doc told me I needed to see a pyschologist. My husband then(had been supportive) called me a hypochondriac. When we went to new surgeon and all of my symptoms were believed and the new surgeon figured out what was wrong, my hubby got it. He normally is supportive, but I think he'd just reached his limit as I am the one who usually holds the house together and I think he was overwhelmed at what he'd been doing.

    I feel for you and I hope you find support in person. Please know that your SH friends support you in any way we can so vent away!

  • I agree with Charry, men are visual people and when he gets home, maybe he'll understand better. With my first surgeon, the doc told me I needed to see a pyschologist. My husband then(had been supportive) called me a hypochondriac. When we went to new surgeon and all of my symptoms were believed and the new surgeon figured out what was wrong, my hubby got it. He normally is supportive, but I think he'd just reached his limit as I am the one who usually holds the house together and I think he was overwhelmed at what he'd been doing.

    I feel for you and I hope you find support in person. Please know that your SH friends support you in any way we can so vent away! Sorry for double post, accident.

  • I don't know maybe it's just me and this is the reason I'm divorced now. But I would have been calling him back and we WOULD have talked about it. I hope he's home for the weekend and you two can talk face to face. I used to travel alot and I know what it's like to seperate yourself from what's going on back home. Maybe a phone conversation was not the way to approach it but as soon as he walks in the door he and I would be talking. ALOT! TOS is not a diagnosis I would want to hear so I can only imagine what's going through your head right now. But we are here for you. You've been through enough.
  • Hi Griff

    I am sorry you are going thru this (this is exactly why my relationship broke up). If you need anything, please PM me.

    That being said (here I go, I am throwing your advise back at you). When I talked about my son, and his reaction to my injury, your response was that he is male, and he may have problems cause he wants to fix it and can't? Is it possible that your husband is feeling that way?

    I am not excusing what happened, just trying to possibly offer a suggestion.

    Communication is so important.

    After I read what you wrote, I sat dowm with my boy and had a talk. It really did help.

    Once again, if I can do anything, please let me know.
  • My husband is home for the weekend and I'm sure we'll talk about things. I think that I just needed a "you're going to be okay" from him over the phone when I got out of the surgeon's office.

    I do already go to therapy and it's helped a lot. I don't "need" my husband to be there but it sure would be nice. I just feel busted, having already gone through what I have in the past year and hearing that it's not even close to over.

    Thanks again. You guys always know what to say.....even when it's what I've already told you! LOL!

  • I'm sorry that transpired because I know exactly how you feel. Hubby and I now have a hard and fast rule for when he is gone at work, out of town, or otherwise unavailable.

    If I call, he is to answer ONLY if he has a few minutes to talk. If not, he is to let me leave a message and call me back WHEN he has a few minutes to talk.

    It just seemed like I would call him with some serious (to me) news, needing support, advice and he would answer but be in a meeting, short with me, detached emotionally, yada yada. It would seriously hurt my feelings because in my mind, I would never have answered the phone if I were in a meeting so that fact that he answered gave me the false impression he had a minute. Phew, did that make sense?

    We had a few long talks about that and he finally "got" it. I don't need the phone answered every time I call, I need to be given some time and attention when I call. I RARELY call him and he knows it. So if he has to wait until lunch or something to call me back, I am fine with it. But the deal is, he mentally gets to a place where we can talk about "me" or "us" or "my health problems" without him feeling like his coworkers are hanging over his shoulder.

    Since we came to that agreement and he learned how to follow through with that (lol it wasn't immediate, let me tel you. lol), things have been so much better. He doesn't feel I'm so needy (which I never was, but when he would answer the phone, not be talkative or a good listener, and then I would get upset........I looked needy. lol)

    I'm sure you guys will be able to work something out this weekend that works for both of you. I also know how you feel about getting a new diagnosis and facing surgery. Yes, that's big news for the family but it's BIG news for the patient, and all the thoughts that swirl through our heads. Why aren't our "logical, trying to fix everything" husbands happy when a possible answer is found? Because they don't want us to have to go through anymore, that's probably why. I don't know.

    Take care,

  • sweetie , I am so sorry to hear this....I can imagine how difficult this must be for you my friend. You have gotten some great support and advice from everyone here so far and I can't really add to any of it other than to say that if you need to talk , scream , cry , vent , laugh , whatever then you know that I am just a PM away. I will be more than happy to chat with you if you want to. Please remember that you are not alone in all of this , you have all of us.....I will be praying however that your hubby will listen , be responsive and give you the support and love that you need from him right now....because even though you have all of us , I know that having your hubby stand with you is so important. I am here if you need me chicka....take care....Miki
  • We had a long talk today and I was a little suprised at the answer he gave me.

    He basically told me that he just got overloaded with all of it. He can't take me being like this (like I can?) and to hear that there was more just hit him hard. I has glad that he opened up, that was progress, but I still feel like I'm standing alone.

    We ended up talking more about finding other arrangements for my mother. She's going downhill and caring for her is getting very hard for me. I don't know if I can do that, no matter what's going on with me. He just can't understand it. She's frail, not eating right and falling down a lot. I know in my logical mind that I can't do it but can't face putting her in a home or anything like that. He sees the toll that caring for her takes on me but what would I be without that? A halfway crippled woman sitting in a country house alone all week with nothing to do?

    I know we'll figure it all out but it just seems to get more complicated. Maybe it's better not to "share" all these feelings with each other LOL!

  • I'm glad you at least got to find out how he was feeling. As for your Mom do you not have any kind of in home nursing care that could come out and help you? Even if it's just one day a week or something to give you some relief? I know I personally have sat over night with an elderly woman just so her son could have a break. He insisted on paying me but I would have done it for free. She brought so much to my life so much wisdom that I felt it an honor to spend those Friday nights with her. To this day I have never forgotten the smell of her breakfast cooking. Yes she cooked for me! She insisted. Maybe it's time you let someone else help you and your Mom and they may just find a blessing in disguise because of it. I know I did. Just something for you to think about. I know you have a lot on you right now.
  • Griff , I am also glad that you made some progress with your hubby...even if they are baby steps at least they are steps. I have to agree with Tonya about seeing if someone could come in and help with your Mom , to give you a much needed break. I think if I were in your position and at one time I was , you have to ask yourself if you are doing your Mom and yourself more harm than good by taking care of her all by yourself....I know that you love your Mom , that much is evident but you have to really make sure that you are in the best position to give her the help that she needs and if you are not (by no fault of your own) then you might want to look for outside help. I hope this makes sense and that I have not upset you in any way my friend. If there is anything that I can do for you or if you ever need to talk then you know that I am just a PM away...take care and you and your family will remain in my thoughts and prayers...Miki
  • Oh my, I can so relate to you dreading being alone. But if you take a big step back, disconnect emotionally and look at the situation logically, is caring for your mother causing you to go downhill faster? That is a big question and if your mother realized that was the case, would she be devastated? Because what's going wrong with all of us is life-altering, never gonna be the same kind of stuff. And we are YOUNG. We aren't supposed to be disabled at this age.

    And our spouses? The ones who didn't sign up for any of this and the ones who struggle to be strong for us even when they are feeling very strong? And if there were something in any of our lives causing us visible, clear ongoing increasing pain? I can imagine all our spouses would have the same position.

    But, hon, what do you do? She's your mother!! Are there any other siblings?? Can you hire someone to come in during the day or some days to do the things you truly cannot - bathing, lifting her, etc.?

    Such a tough tough choice. I will praying for you.

    My husband's mother has been recovering from cancer and his folks are 79 and 80. They moved to live with their younger son and he is redoing his house to make it safe for them. They are still self-sufficient, but it's declining.

    So my best friend, a real smart mouth if you know what I mean, calls me up and tells me my husband is a moron for not being willing to take them in (we weren't even asked since my problems are so bad and we have kids - the BIL is single no kids). She said what would have been smart about it is that MIL and I could have shared the same visiting nurses and stuff. lol She was making a joke, but she was also half-serious. I need my own personal help sometimes and maybe we could have shared the visiting nurses. lol

    I share this just in case it could apply to your case as well. If you had to pay out of pocket for this help with your mother, could they also help you?

    ( ( HUGS ) )

  • I am so sorry Griff, that you did not get the response and attention you expected when talking to hubby. I do understand it's hard for men to deal with their wives being in pain because they are supposed to be the big tough guy that protects us and makes us feel better but can't knock out our pain and protect us from this. I think in response they just get frustrated and act out in a totally opposite way than what we expect. Anway, I got the same treatment from my husband when I came home Friday to talk about my appt.

    It must be very tough caring for an elderly parent in addition to your own problems. My granmda lives a couple of houses down the road and my 24 yr old cousin lives with her with her 2 yr old daughter and BF who's like 25 or something but gma still thinks I should be over there taking care of her. She has stage IV lung cancer, both lungs and smokes like a chimney so I won't even go to her house and yell at her for smoking around the 2yr since that's what caused her lung cancer and she could be giving it to her. I had to take her to ER in Feb and then again in May for TIA (mini strokes) and ever since, she hasn't been the same. I just had to explain that I can't help out because I have too much of my own things at my home to deal with.

    Sorry for being long winded. Please feel free to chat with me at anytime. You've always been so helpful to me and I would love to return the favor for you. I hope my words gave you some help or comfort of some sort and that things will go well for you soon. Hopefully your mom could go to an independent living center or something.
Sign In or Register to comment.