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observation part 2 learning to not trust myself

Jim_LJJim_L Posts: 189
edited 06/11/2012 - 8:28 AM in Depression and Coping
continuing from part one...

so far, so good, i've still got (bad grammar it seems) the initiative to write, this is good as it can dissapear at any moment!

I had an epiphany yesterday: I cannot trust my own judgement anymore because i thought I had a good day.
Let me explain...

I had to go to the dentist for a cleaning.
I'm tired, i didn't want to go.
I've been off drinking Mountain Dew for a few months now and lost a lotta weight (hurra...) which I was drinking for the caffienne (or however it's spelt) to offset the 'down' of the oxycodonne during the day.

I've gotten into this habit of taking 2-3 hour naps during the day (what else is there to do?) and waking up tired (nothing new there now, is there?).

So I bought some dew, drank some dew and stayed awake for the whole day!
I was more 'up' than i'd been in months and life looked, well, not bright, but not overcast...;>)

At the dentist I had my cleaning and then decided to schedule a teeth whitening session the next time I went in for a cleaning ($400.00).
I came home and browsed the net and went to Amazon and charged $20.00 for 2 old sci-fi movies I liked from my youth (ice pirates and darkstar if your interested in knowing).

My wife came home from work and asked (well, not 'quite' asked...;>) why I did that. I didn't have an answer. It just seemed ok to do.

There have been other little things I can't quite remember that i've been doing that upon reflection the next day, make me wonder why. It's building up to the point that I'm 'realizing' that something is wrong with my thinking.
Something that i think was a good idea at the time makes no sense the next day.

It's almost as if when i have a 'good' moment, alls well with the world, I may post something on a forum topic (usually music) then go back and read it the next day and wonder what I was thinking. I'm not sure if what I'm writing now really makes sense. My meds are working (I'm still sitting here typing instead of getting painfully kicked in the right walnut which my June fusion didn't fix). The suns out and the snow is melting. Overall a better day than yesterday - I think...

I'm finding myself having 'good' thoughts like maybe answering a Craigslist advert for a 'guitar player wanted'
when I know full well it would never work. Other things I just can't describe (remember actually) but I'm beginning to sense a longtime pattern of thought behavior building up. I'm beginning to doubt my decision making ability to the point where I think I should go talk to my doc.

But will i read this tomorrow and wonder why i wrote it?
Ah, here's some silly examples:
I put in a dvd movie and then a few minutes into it wonder why i decided to watch it.
Cook some food and then not eat.
Be 'jazzed' by an idea to do something like build a birdhouse or rearrange my living room one day and then ask myself 'why bother?' the next day.
Silly I know, but part and parcel of behavioral patterns i've noticed.

Some things randomly appear to be good ideas at the time then mean absolutely nothing or be an obvious waste the next and I wonder what was i thinking.


  • here's another example:
    I live in a mobile home park and i dropped off the rent a few days ago. The lady who works at the office asked me if i played drums (I used to) and we started talking about her young son who wants to learn the guitar and would I teach him. I said sure, it sounded like a great idea at the time but the next day i'm wondering why i said yes?
  • another example:
    Watching fishing shows on weekend tv, I got it into my head to print out a lot of google earth fishing location maps of surrounding lakes & ponds i've been to in the past or want to go to. I did that one day, put them all in top loading clear sheet protectors and into a binder. I now look at it as a waste of paper, ink and "Did I really need to spend a few bucks on sheet protectors?"

    It's not as if i'm really going to go fishing this year...

    Can anyone relate?
  • Yes, sir, I can relate. The problem may be as close as your medicine bottle...
    Maybe not, Maybe we are in pain, confused and getting old?
    I tend to often get a "buzz" and think, "yeah, let's do this". Then as you say, "poof" why bother? WTF cares???

    I have never tried to explan this to anyone. I mean, why bother? WTF cares? I sure don't. Well, maybe I do, but that depends on which "me" you are talking to? The me that wants to do stuff, or the me that knows it won't work anyway!

    We need to learn to undo the things when they are truly foolhardy and only we can decide that.

    Don't know if any of this helps or make sense.
    this coming from another guy who does not truly know why he does what he does anymore...
  • THAT'S IT!!!

    2 people in one body!

    "I'm the bad Ash, yer the good Ash..."
    Goody two shoes, goody two shoes...

    um, yeah...

    Yes I agree that the meds give me an 'up' edge, but originally - while i was first taking them - the 'edge' lasted a few minutes. An endorphine rush I suppose but now, maybe a few minutes or perhaps just seconds - if at all.
    I don't really notice it anymore.

    It's just hard to get 'involved' or 'interested' in anything. As you said 'WTF'... and why bother?
    It's the 'WTFWIT?' moments that disturb me the most.
  • The "buzz" I refer to is not an actual drug "buzz" it's more of a good feeling that creeps in and has me do things, then it goes away and like I said WTF? I don't quite know where it came from.

    I think quite honestly, it could be very simple to explain. Yet not a title one would wear with pride...

    Bi-polar anyone? I'm talking about me here and certainly not calling you that! It is something I have considered as a possible reason I do some of the things I do! What leads me questioning this is I have never been "manic" for more than an hour or two. I have stopped drinking caffiene recently after noon. Only half cafe in the mornings. The caffiene buzz really is unpleasant lately. I suspect the mix with the Norco or ???

    Anyway, if anyone sees my run giggling down the hall dressed in red sequins, stop me before I get out the door!

    :D :))( =))
  • good ta hear from ya again! dont sweat the introspection, its part of the healing if you use it, if ay are on ambien/ lunesta/ etc get off.
    they make you forget...everything! i got off coz i lost blocks of memory and a lot of self motivation. the pain killers were the worst culprits, totaly took the life out of me.
    but this is you! GET UP AND DANCE big bro!
    you know the music, its inside you, make up the steps as you go,
    Imagine Ode to Joy, or the butterfly suite as your personal soundtrack, look up craig armstrongs "escape" youll dig the epic-nicity of its strength!!
    good to hear your live and coming soon to your town in all the power and glory!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

  • Ha! Hi Ranch! Yup, still here...;>)
    That's about it though. I keep coming up with new heavy riffs sitting in my chair in the living room but can't bring myself to go into the studio and record.

    I'm just waiting for the new 6" of snow that's supposed to be coming down tomorrow morning...;>)

    Here's a wierd story for ya, i got a call yesterday from a guy who happens to live on the next street over from me. he found my name & phone on an old music forum (songwriters universe) I had been to years ago (somehow I must have contacted him long ago too as his wife found my info in their address book!).

    he went on to say he had written a song a few years back and managed to get George Jones interested in it.
    Mr. J. (or his office more likely) had written him asking permission to produce it. So this guy waits about 2 years and then hears back saying Mr. J. is no longer interested as he no longer performs.

    Well this guy (I'll call him Ron as he said that was his name...;>) calls me and tells me all this and wanted to know if i'd help him re-record the song and maybe work on some other tunes. He gave his only demo recording to Mr. J. and never got it back.

    very wierd...
  • Ima so glad your doing well as can be. getting worried here and there for ya. in class so got to go, but see ya later!
    William Garza
    Spine-Health Mod

    Welcome to Spine-Health

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