continuing from part one...
so far, so good, i've still got (bad grammar it seems) the initiative to write, this is good as it can dissapear at any moment!
I had an epiphany yesterday: I cannot trust my own judgement anymore because i thought I had a good day.
Let me explain...
I had to go to the dentist for a cleaning.
I'm tired, i didn't want to go.
I've been off drinking Mountain Dew for a few months now and lost a lotta weight (hurra...) which I was drinking for the caffienne (or however it's spelt) to offset the 'down' of the oxycodonne during the day.
I've gotten into this habit of taking 2-3 hour naps during the day (what else is there to do?) and waking up tired (nothing new there now, is there?).
So I bought some dew, drank some dew and stayed awake for the whole day!
I was more 'up' than i'd been in months and life looked, well, not bright, but not overcast...;>)
At the dentist I had my cleaning and then decided to schedule a teeth whitening session the next time I went in for a cleaning ($400.00).
I came home and browsed the net and went to Amazon and charged $20.00 for 2 old sci-fi movies I liked from my youth (ice pirates and darkstar if your interested in knowing).
My wife came home from work and asked (well, not 'quite' asked...;>) why I did that. I didn't have an answer. It just seemed ok to do.
There have been other little things I can't quite remember that i've been doing that upon reflection the next day, make me wonder why. It's building up to the point that I'm 'realizing' that something is wrong with my thinking.
Something that i think was a good idea at the time makes no sense the next day.
It's almost as if when i have a 'good' moment, alls well with the world, I may post something on a forum topic (usually music) then go back and read it the next day and wonder what I was thinking. I'm not sure if what I'm writing now really makes sense. My meds are working (I'm still sitting here typing instead of getting painfully kicked in the right walnut which my June fusion didn't fix). The suns out and the snow is melting. Overall a better day than yesterday - I think...
I'm finding myself having 'good' thoughts like maybe answering a Craigslist advert for a 'guitar player wanted'
when I know full well it would never work. Other things I just can't describe (remember actually) but I'm beginning to sense a longtime pattern of thought behavior building up. I'm beginning to doubt my decision making ability to the point where I think I should go talk to my doc.
But will i read this tomorrow and wonder why i wrote it?
Ah, here's some silly examples:
I put in a dvd movie and then a few minutes into it wonder why i decided to watch it.
Cook some food and then not eat.
Be 'jazzed' by an idea to do something like build a birdhouse or rearrange my living room one day and then ask myself 'why bother?' the next day.
Silly I know, but part and parcel of behavioral patterns i've noticed.
Some things randomly appear to be good ideas at the time then mean absolutely nothing or be an obvious waste the next and I wonder what was i thinking.